Erratic Liaisons!!

We enter this world innocent, scrupulous and pure...as we grow, the social commitments of this world take over...we begin moulding ourselves into a variety of social incarnations - brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers etc. But the one relationship that is most sought and satisfying has to be friendship, not just because it usually takes place between two strangers but because it is sometimes the antithesis of everything else around us, something that helps us break free from the sophistications of civil society and lets us just be...removes our political comouflage and liberates us of all pomp and title - this ofcourse under the condition that the friendship is immaculate and not another societal parody...then surely we all realise that a friend is all we really need, love is volatile...friendship on the other hand is perpetual!! Thats what I have got from her...without expecting I got her "FRIENDSHIP" and without giving I got her "LOVE"...

..i promised myself that this time I would not let my desires get the better of me, this time I would play the game right, I would not let this relationship fail...fall...not let it drop into obscurity...I want to hold on to this one for life...but how much I feel at this moment that I have failed again...failed before I could even begin...I have let sensuality creep into this holy pact and I am burning in its guilt. How weak I am...this one time, just this once, why could I not be unprejudiced and selfless...in this battle between the mind and heart...I have become the malefactor!!...once again...I am proudly poised to loose all...to loose her...

I knew I should have stopped...when my heart began to relish in the warmth of her touch...when a stolen glance would make my heart race...when I began to smile for no apparent reason...when looking into her eyes seemed like a heavenly pleasure...why didnt I stop then...why couldnt I stop then...???

I wanted her friendship...and I got her love...I wanted her companionship...and I got her commitment...that was how she is...you expect less and she gives you so much more. I feel so selfish and egotistical...so tiny in front of her...I am sure that in time...the guilt of it all will kill me. I am afraid...so perplexed...not because I dont feel the same for her but because I am afraid that fate will take her away from me...snatch away even this strand of hope and happiness I have left. Fate keeps setting tasks for me like it does for us all...the difference being, I keep falling into its trap...it preys on me and waits silently...like a vulture...it knows I will inevitably fall...I am a slave to temptation and one way or the other...I will succumb...I will be entrapped...and it enjoys its supremacy over me. But I am adamant...I will not go down without a fight...even if I have to sink with my ship...I will...but I will revolt till my final breath...its the least I can do for her...she deserves much more...I know...but sadly thats all I can give her.

I fear now that I have done too much damage already...the worst part of it all is...I can't stop...I want to be with her...to hold her hand...to embrace her...to just sit with her and enjoy the calmness and peace it brings to my heart. I am selfish I know...all I wanted was her friendship...now I have so much more...did I ask for too much...did I allow her to be deceived...for a relationship that should have lasted the distance...the end maybe near...is this the beginning of the end...or does fate have something else instore for me...whatever it may be I have decided to fight each day...I will not falter this time...and even if I do fail...I know one thing...I may loose her friendship...but I will never loose her trust!!