A note for a rainy day..

...It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word

And then that word grew louder and louder
'Til it was a battle cry

I'll come back
When you call me
No need to say goodbye..

I tried remembering the events of that night...I knew what you wanted me to say...I knew how you were feeling and exactly what you needed. I wanted to blurt it out...scream it out and let you know exactly how I felt...to share every ounce of unsaid and unexpressed emotion that was trapped inside me...brimming...bouncing with volatility...just waiting to be unleashed. I wanted to say it...so bad...to keep it inside me was excruciating...like the blood in my veins was pumping with the rushing intensity of a rapid...to the point that I felt it might actually gush out of me...but I needed to hold on...I needed to enjoy the moment...to savor it...to bask in its strength...to indulge in the moment.

I had wanted to hear the same words from you so many times before...so many moments squandered and so many portraits left unfinished...can't remember how many times I was left with nothing but the unsettled dust of defeat...and now when you wanted to hear the same words...why didn't I relent...why didn't I put an end to your torture...I don't know!! I felt strong...powerful...in control and I loved it. I knew I should not allow myself to be enticed by the corrupting charm of power...but it was a futile battle...no matter how fanatically I was screaming the words...inside me...I wouldn't let them go...these words...reverberating and bouncing around like marbles in a crystal box...inflicting damage but not fatal...unable to break free.

I wouldn't let myself say it...maybe I wanted you to feel what I felt...in every moment of disappointment and defeat...how the soul twisted and cringed under the pressure...sadistic of me I know...I shouldn't have...I would pay a price for this...a heavy price...was I stupid enough to gamble with something so precious?

In all this chaos...I looked at your eager, craving eyes...and I looked away...I couldn't...I felt so vain and petty...almost disgusted...but I wouldn't say it...not now...one day I would but not today...and maybe then the tables would be turned on me...and I would experience exactly what you were going through at this moment...the anxiety...the fear...the hope...the wishful thinking...but I knew I could take it...I had done it so many times before...it was a habit now...bring the pain I said to myself...bring it!!

The night had passed and all I was left with was the palpable aroma of your breath wrapped around me and a memory of how bigoted and self obsessed I was. A very sad caricature and a depressing tapestry.

I stood across from you now and as I had predicted..the tables had turned...but I was prepared and I was conditioned...there was no fear...there was no remorse...I knew what was going to happen...it's funny how we play this out so many times and by now even you know how this is going to end...but we come back every time...hungry and craving for more...two insatiated beings...at these cross roads...leaving an even more indelible infliction on each other every time...and then walking away...I don't really know how long this drama will continue but I will keep playing my role as long as you keep playing yours...let us be damned to do this forever...maybe that is the curse for what we have done to each other...two tattered forsaken souls...whose only means of survival...only means to feel alive...is to come crawling back to this place again and again...till either one runs out of hope or the stamina to continue...

I looked up...into your eyes...fidgeted with a piece of paper in my coat pocket...I had written the words you wanted to hear that night...it was carefully folded...I asked you to hold out your hand and as you did, I placed the paper on your palm...

"Don't read what's written in it now," I said.

"Why?" you inquired.

"Keep it for a rainy day, when you're not at your strongest, when you begin to lose the will to keep going, when your spirit gets tired of fighting, when giving up seems to be the only choice, when every part of you aches and cries out with the anguish of enduring life and all it has thrown in your path, read it then, read it out loud, maybe you will understand...and if you do...come find me," I said.

As the words trailed away with the passing breeze, I smiled at you.

Then turned around and walked away...there was nothing left to say...