Hope Hopen..

I looked at her letter one final time...touched the words she had penned down...wanting to envelope myself in her words...for they were all i had left of her. I meticulously folded the letter and placed it in its resting place. I didnt want to see them again..I wanted to destroy them..I wanted to burn them...I wanted to snatch their grandness away from them...take away their soul so that they remained just papers...papers...trivial and insignificant. I took the letter out again in a bid to tear it to pieces..but something stopped me..i could not muster the courage because somewhere in some deep dark corner of my heart they meant something...they were if nothing else..memories..painful..ironically they still brought a smile to my face and made me feel like I was in love again...even if it was for a few moments..quite gartifying!!

Words have a way of growing on you...especially when they are attached to some emotion or cognitively associated with a happy or sad memory. Those words in those letters were something like that..no matter how much I wanted to let go of them..some potent force kept stopping me. Was it some kind of hope..hope that she may return..hope that she may still love me...hope that inspite of everything that had happened there was so much left to happen..I dont know...when i think of it rationally, it just seems like wishful thinking. More than hope maybe its just this indelible imprint of herself that she has conferred on my psyche. I have to rid myself of it. I tell this to myself everyday...every hour..every second that I think about her. But the truth is that my heart is just not ready to let go so easily someone who it has held dear for so long. The memories...in any form...letters...gifts...intimate encounters...they all hurt...but its bitter sweet. I cant cry anymore...the tears just dont come out...for once i feel i cant loose her more than I already have. The pain cant be worse..I am already dealing with it, it wont kill me...it cant kill me. So i just smile...its a feeling of dismal contentedness...and then i wrap all these mental images into a bundle and hide them somewhere in the labyrinths of my subconscious existence hoping that i will forget where I left them and they will never bother me again.

Do i sound like a hopeless romantic or a hopeless lover, maybe I am both, but that is how I am, i am overly optimistic. That is how I get through each day, peeling off my inhibitions...searching ..and then surrendering to the inevitable...after every night comes light and day...the night has passed...look the sun has risen in the eastern sky...its genial sunshine...melting my prohibitions...giving me hope...it's my prerogative...the sun feels like her...I am warm again...maybe she may never return and my wishful thoughts might just remain hope hopen...but atleast they keep me alive...appreciative of life and all it has yet to offer...