Solitude!!

Sitting by my window, i look outside...see the wind blowing the autumn leaves...the leaves dancing as if they have just been released...like they are going somewhere more beautiful...a higher place...where there is spring throughout the year...where they will be green forever. So lucky they are...they have the liberty to break free and just be...complete in their own way! As the leaves disappear with the whistling of the wind...I look for something, my eyes are searching for something, someone...maybe hope...i am not too sure. But I can just sit by that window and keep looking aimlessly outside, sometimes thinking of where I have been and where I am going?? Am I too worried...some of my friends say I think too much...well what can I say...some people get stressed out...loose their temper...scream and shout...I on the other hand...well I think!...its my way of unwinding. But maybe I should think less coz your memory can be your biggest enemy sometimes. Hmm...need to think about that...

Still sitting by this window on this cold winter morning and seeing my breath spread across the glass pane like a coat of frost...and i write my name in it...maybe to give myself an identity...maybe to just see myself and recognise who I am...so what if its just a name.

I cant think of what to do...there is so much that i want to take out...i wanna cry...i wanna hold someone tight and vent my fears and pain. Sometimes I feel someone there...or maybe its just a feeling, a figment of my imagination or something else...but i can hold on to it...hold it tight against my breast and then for that one moment...everything seems to fade out...I can feel again...breathe again...love again. Its like a spirit...a guardian angel and it keeps me safe. I am alone...alone in this world...alone in this city...alone in my womb...alone in this consciousness that we call life. Not alone just because I want to be...but because thats how my life has been painted...am I too self indulgent...maybe...it feels good...i feel important...someday I will abolish these superficial chains and break free. I wont be less lonely but I will be more content and a lot happier...happiness...seems like such an unachievable situation...unattainable...why..??? I dont know that answer...maybe i will know in time...till then I am at ease in my solitude..