Same Mistake

Saw the world turning in my sheets,
and once again I cannot sleep,
walk out the door and up the street,
look at the stars beneath my feet,
Remember rights that I made wrong,
and here I go...

I jolted up from my bed...like I just had a bad dream...which I didn't and even if I did I don't remember it...but my heart was beating incessantly and furiously...for a few seconds i felt incapacitated...my surroundings seemed alien to me...my eyes seemed like they were zooming in and out like the fluctuating focus of a camera...like there was a macabre of light and sounds playing in front of my eyes...it took me a moment for everything to come into perspective...I looked around glad to find myself on my bed...reclined back on the palms of my hands...looked up at the roof and started to catch my breath...my breathing and heartbeat slowly returned to normal and I wondered what had caused this semi-terminal experience...I sat back up and only then noticed I was sweating profusely...I wiped some of the sweat of my face and forehead...I felt a cold wave transmit itself through my spine...and I shivered...I needed a shower and then a smoke...that would put me right...

I took my time in the shower...letting the warmth of the water permeate into my skin...I love hot showers...it always feels like the water is making sweet love to  you...cold showers are completely the opposite...like being rudely woken up...no indulgence...the warm water is so pacifying...and that's exactly what I needed at the time...I let the water run for a good 20-25 minutes...till I felt I had enough and my midnight shock had subsided...I wiped myself and put on a pair of boxers...I walked back into my room...the room was dark save for the illumination from the incandescent street light outside my window...the light offered a warm contrast to the dark mistiness of the ambiance. I grabbed my cigarettes and slipped one out...walked to the window and pushed the curtains all the way back to allow more light into the room...opened the window half way and allowed the cool night breeze to caress in...I leaned my shoulder against the wall and lit the cigarette...watched the red ribbons that curled and fell away as the tobacco and paper melt in the air...my first few puffs were long and indulgent...the nicotine and it's intoxicating pacification...I felt better...so I lit another...felt calmer and my mind wandered off to abstract thoughts...I closed my eyes and let the tranquility of the moment sink in...

A loud thud rudely brought me back to reality...apparently the breeze outside had turned adventurous...in a violent burst...it had blown idle papers off my desk and swept my pen and paintbrushes to the floor...toppled a few books and a solitary picture-frame from my bedside...taking the meek side lamp down too...the  sound was probably not as loud as I perceived...it was probably the relative  calmness of the night that magnified the indiscretion of the wind...I closed the window and put a t-shirt on...the room had become slightly chilly...I picked up the papers and put the instruments back in their original position on my desk...I proceeded to my bedside and picked up the books and the photo-frame...and then the lamp...luckily the carpeted floor that muffled the fall and caused no permanent damage to the lamp or the frame...I was kinda afraid one or both would have broken...I was glad to be proven wrong...as I placed the frame back on the side table...I looked at the photo...I wondered why I still had the picture?...its protagonist was a distant memory...it was a slightly grainy picture of an 18 year old girl in a deep maroon saree...the smile and the innocence on her face were timeless...the way her scarlet bangs fell softly on her face kissing her cheeks...her beautiful eyes looking back at me...asking questions...seeking answers...they reached out...stood out...every time I looked at the picture it brought a flood of memories back like they were all chained to it and responded to its call...it had been a different and difficult time then...and it had changed my life...like nothing before it and nothing after...I placed the frame back on the side table beside the books and the lamp...and fell back onto my bed...I should not have let those memories crawl back from their  damnation...I decided to push them aside and try to get some sleep...thinking about them was not going to yield anything productive...the conclusion was always the same no matter how I tried to play the events in my head...at the end I was alone...and that's not the ending I wanted...not then..not now...not ever...I would never let it happen to me again...I whispered under my breath...again and again...!

Sleeping was futile...I think it was because I was trying too hard...I needed to relax...not let this momentary emotional distress ruffle my feathers...I took a few deep breaths...no good!

Aldous Huxley very famously said, "Every man's memory is his private literature." Well a truer word could not have been spoken. No matter how hard I tried, I knew I would not be able to rest unless I untangled the knot that these memories had innocuously created. When you don't want to think about something, your mind is invariably pulled to it like a hungry dog to a butcher shop. I let my mind maneuver it's way to the moments it wanted to confront. I found myself sitting in front of her...looking at her...mesmerized...watching her lips being manipulated by the thoughts in her mind...there was white silence for I didn't need to hear what she was saying and I already knew what inevitability was about to play out in front of me...my mind went further back...probably to the moments that led to this one...could I have done anything different...would it have made a difference then...the thing is you can never know...destiny plays out the way it's meant to...and that's that I guess!

What about the future then...it's still an uncertainty...but a variable I have some control over...what if this moment played in front of me again...she sitting in front of me...ready to leave...what would I say...what would it mean...a train of thoughts ran through me...

Did you ever love someone so much...that nothing else and no one else mattered...like when you can't breathe sometimes because you are so overwhelmed by how crazy and out of control you feel...you memorize everything about them...their face and its contortions...every plane and edge of their body...their voice...their smell...their touch...the way they walk...the way they talk...when you own them and they own you...When you love them not because they love you back but because you really can't help feeling any other way...it's not a trick and it's not a switch you can turn on or off as you please...you love because you want to and it gives you an indescribable amount of happiness...the happiness that people spend their entire life in pursuit of...but because this love is so insane...an oddity of sorts...its also poison...when things are good you feel like it's paradise and when they're not it feels more morbid and painful than your worst nightmare...and you get sick of looking at them...when you loose composure and get in each others face...spew words filled with venomous lament and regret...when you hurt them even though you promised them you never would...hit each other...hurl abuses...cringe...scratch and bite them...when they drive you to a self consuming rage that takes over...you look them in the eye and want to choke them...even kill them...and you go your separate ways to avoid more damage and torture...but then the day ends and a new one begins and yesterday is history and today is an opportunity...to make up and beg forgiveness...nurse the wounds that you caused them...cry and kiss and embrace and fall asleep in each other...and you realize that when it comes to love you are blind and so are they...you tell them its your fault and that you couldn't live a willing second without them...that next time you will never hurt them...but there should never be a next time...they should never leave...never...because if they do you would burn the world you built with them to the ground...and then sadistically watch everything burn...watch them burn...let the pain torture you till you are nothing more than ash and dust...

I ran my fingers through my hair...left a soft dewy effect on my finger tips...the thoughts were too strong...too powerful to swallow...they were madness...moments of utter derangement...they hit me like slabs of ice...I glanced back at the photograph and her smile will still as endearing as it had always been...was there an incomplete story? would it ever be complete or lie suspended in the continuum of time and space and forgotten forever? I don't know but I hope...that one way or the other I would find the way...to the truth....to love...again!

Probably I agree with Edward de Bono when he said , "A memory is what is left when something happens and does not completely unhappen." Maybe it means there is something left to happen...some roles that have been left unplayed and some moves left unmade...the question arises then...even if nothing happens...ever!! would I go through it all over again? even though I know what happens in the end!

I gathered my thoughts...walked back to the window...and lit another cigarette...smiled...I knew the answer...I guess I always knew...because whatever happened, everything I endured made me what I am today and I am proud of that...and indebted to life for it...I would do it all once more...even if it was a mistake...I would gladly make the same mistake again!