Exception

When I was a little boy,
I dreamed of someone like you,
as I grew older I think I tried,
too hard to make you come true,

As the years vapidly toil on,
the dream's still alive unborn,
but I'm beginning to believe,
you're nothing more than an illusion,

For a few chance moments I felt,
my heart in consternation,
but it was just coincidence disguised,
as a divine premonition,

I shudder, shrink, gather, move on,
familiar faces mocking in unison,
reality slips slowly from my crippled grasp,
still miles away from my destination,

The whispers now have stopped and I pretend,
I am under the Lord's protection,
the dream audaciously lingers on,
despite my blatant rejection,

I am a fool and I'll always be,
beguiled by this infatuation,
if you don't intend to show up,
at least point me in the right direction,

When love ceases to exist and I finally surrender,
to fate and all its abberations,
all the world will go dark in search of salvation,
you will still be the only exception.

No Turning Back

I try to hide the fears now,
nurse them with hope,
Don't you test my will now,
my spirit's almost broke,
I was just about to drown now,
if not for your support,
why keep me alive now,
if not to hold me close,
I'm learning to breathe again now,
your life in every stroke,
There's no turning back now,
my ship has set its course.

Fool in Love

A silent wish, a quiet prayer,
one heart in need, another seeking repair,
questions, doubts, wear n tear,
some answers, trust n giggles to spare,
a little persistence, a little care,
strangers to friends to an unlikely pair,
the distance at times so tough to bear,
when you long to whisper sweet nothings in her ear,
it could be crash n burn before you're half way there,
or wedding vows being taken in the warm summer air,
However it works out, do you really care?
justice is divine and life's eventually fair,
wear your heart on your sleeve, you have nothing to fear,
you're a fool in love and you'll never despair.

Better Late than Never

All our young lives we search for someone to love, someone to make us complete. We choose partners and change partners. We dance to a song of heartbreak and hope, all the while wondering if somewhere, somehow, someone perfect is searching for us.
-The Wonder Years

There are thoughts that force me to do some soul searching, especially when the preoccuptations of the day have passed, when I am by myself, flirting with my thoughts, juggling them like circus balls in my mind. I wont say I am haunted by them all the time, but I know they are there, at the back of my mind, floating around, poking into my self, probing, asking me questions, getting no answers and then mocking me for my impuissance.

I am not troubled by most of these thoughts or questions, whether they are regarding my career, my accomplishments, my bank balance or my crappy middle class tin box on wheels. These are rather ephemeral in nature and I usually cast them aside or give myself a pep talk on being optimistic and how the night is darkest before dawn and blah...blah...blah...you get the picture. But one thought screws with my head relentlessly, it makes my mind feel like a block of wood going through an industrial circular saw blade. Why is this you ask? Well it's this reoccuring thought of finding or should I say the possibility of finding that oh so illusive soul mate, if anything like that exists at all.

For most people, this question is either normally answered by an affair that stuck or a teenage romance that matured as it hit adulthood or an arranged union organized and in some cases thrust upon them by their all knowing-supervising parents, with all due respect of course. But for the few unlucky ones like me, who are still searching and getting old in the process, this becomes an endless wait for a person whose number of qualifiers become inversely proportional to the time we have to wait to find them. Because as you see, the longer your clock keeps ticking and the more you have to wait, the more you are willing to compromise and drop some of your (spawned out of fantasy, dreadfully reminiscent of romantic movies or songs and idealistic) stipulations.

But the real problem is when you end up like me, unwilling to compromise and forever ready to believe that just like I am searching for someone, that someone, somewhere is searching for me. Not ready to accept someone unless I feel they are the one for me. I know it sounds delusional and impractical and borderline childish and people who know me would probably not believe that I even endorse such a viewpoint, and I don't...atleast most of the time I don't. I'm Working, keeping busy, meeting friends, wrestling with whatever life throws at me. But there are moments...of self doubt, when you have a bad day, when everything you do goes wrong, when the world around you seems to be falling apart, when you can't tell anybody else in the world the conflicts inside you...that's when you wish that there was someone who you could turn to, someone who would listen, the comfort of looking into their eyes, knowing that you are safe and nothing else but you matters to them. Even when you have a bad hair day or look like something a herd of cows left behind, they will think you look your adorable best. It's when the realization of not having anyone to break your fall dawns, that you begin to comprehend how alone you actually are. The feeling doesn't last for too long, but it lingers. And that lingering for how ever long it decides to stay, leaves you feeling a little hollow and a little more incomplete everytime.

Now I am not saying that everybody needs that someone to feel complete or fulfilled, you never know they might make your life more complicated and frivolous. But just by virtue of being there for you, they make a difference. Anyone who says they don't, is just lying to themselves. Even the toughest among us need support, some times more than they will let us know. In any case, it makes the world a lot less scarier place to live in...period!

So will my endless wait for that person end? I dont know!...no one can answer that question...maybe it will..it might as well happen tomorrow...or maybe I will have to wait a lot longer. Of all the things in my life I have no control over, this is something that I am in charge of, or atleast I live in the illusion that I am. And I will wait for as long as it takes. How will I know when I meet the one?...well I guess I will just have to trust my instincts and as far as I know myself...when the right one comes along...I will just know! I might make a few mistakes here and there...but find her I will. And when I do or better still...she finds me...I will ask her one pertinent question...

What the hell took you so long?!!

and I think I know what she will say..."I got here as fast I could!"

Life will keep rolling on

Trees will age and their leaves will dwindle,
Seasons will scamper on,
a quarter of the world will lie arid, the other will negotiate a storm,
you and I will passively watch, and,
Life will keep rolling on,

Hearts will be broken and lovers forgotten,
Romeos will still be born,
Integrity and honor will be spoken, by ideological whores blowing their horns,
You and I will abandon our voices, and,
Life will keep rolling on

Innocents will be hung, and the guilty exalted,
welfare groups will still be formed,
sermons will be fed to the starving, Priests will proclaim the Lord,
You and I will sing our hymns, and,
Life will keep rolling on,

Millions will be butchered for money, religion and power,
Babies will still be borne,
The nourished will be guilty of gluttony, the hungry will learn to starve,
You and I will simply sigh, and,
Life will keep rolling on,

The seeds will sprout again, the flowers will return,
Our hearts will forgive once more,
People will forget today like it was yesterday, and tomorrow will give them hope,
You and I will exonrate our misdeeds, and,
Life will keep rolling on

Why does it feel so right?

And you say, you love me tonight,

you kiss me, and you hold me tight,

at this moment, everything seems all right,

emotions, intimacy all at their height,

But how long will this last, how long must I wait,

Till we are together again,

will u ever return, will u miss that train,

just so you can see my smile again,

I am tired of motels and hotel rooms,

I am tired of being your shadow groom,

If everything about us needs to be so discrete,

Let's not love, let's not ever meet,

I want you to stay and never leave,

I want a home, a family and dreams in between,

I want to able to wish for you tonight,

and not find you gone by morning light,

And you say, you love me tonight,

you kiss me, and you hold me tight,

at this moment, everything seems all right,

emotions, intimacy all at their height,

You want my love, my soul, my everything,
then why am I the one waiting for the phone to ring,
my ambitions, my dreams to your door I bring,
All I return with is despair and longing,

Measure these words from a beatles rhyme,

sentiments I'd want you to cultivate,

"And in the end, the love you take,
is equal to the love you make"

So you say, you love me tonight,

you kiss me, and you hold me tight,

at this moment, when everything seems so wrong,

why does it still feel so right?

why does it still feel so right?

...Redemption

I cant remember how long it lasted,
I cant remember how long I was under,
but somehow I made it back up,
swallowing air, dust, life,
scuffling with the temptation to surrender,

I had almost given up,
crucified by my own submission,
taking fondness in my involuntary defusion,
and wounds a result of self infliction,

till something tore inside of me, a slender streak of light, a sword divine,
slashing through the silence, darkness and monotony,
a brilliant manifestation of desire, life, melody,
each color an antidote, each atonement a remedy,

my pilgrimage finally poised for completion,
I scurry through the salinity, closer to my destination,
my final wounds as I grapple with the rocks,
the earth opens it arms, my body in its bosom,
savoring the solace of self redemption.