Rising Tide

I'm a worried man caught in the rising tide,
empty silence lies ahead of me, darkness behind,
as I float purposeless with long heaving sighs,
all I recall are those benign hazel eyes,

Hope is a strange vessel sailing the lonely sea,
gives you what you need, but not what you seek,
it's an irony then, what life predicts for me,
to find happiness in places, I never thought it would be,

She's sitting across to me with mirrors in her eyes,
trying to sell me the past, re-live my lies,
but I'm dressed in my best and her appeal has died,
I'm taking the last train, to hell with goodbyes,

I'm a buccaneer on the oceans of despair,
I'll steal your heart when I so choose and care,
to you it may seem unpleasant, unfair,
but I'm the one who sat all night, talking to an empty chair,

Lots of water under the bridge, memories to forsake,
you can't count on me to change my ways,
don't build dreams from memories, where you have lost your stake,
coz I'm not as eager as I once was, to make a mistake.

(Image courtesy: My Studios)

Alone with you

I look back down the years and wonder, how did we reach where we are today? I know things have never been simple for us, I know there have always been variables that have been beyond our control and circumstances that have mostly gone against us. I can even go to the length of saying that whatever could have gone wrong for us...has! But even in moments of utter chaos...even when everything around us was falling apart...when even hope seemed to be an impossible possibility...even then...the world that existed between you and me was one of unspoken devotion, unbridled love, a calm warm place that existed when we were together in any form. A safe place where we could escape to and find the will and resolve to keep going. I thought that would never change, no matter what happened and how far away we drifted. I always lived with the divine belief that no one could take away the one place in the world that truly belonged to me. Maybe my belief was a state of being in a prolonged drunken stupor. Now when this delusion has faded, I find myself distraught and alone in a way I have never felt before.

I know I cannot complain, and I cannot blame anyone for what I am experiencing, not even you. I know we all change with time, we all experience things that leave permanent scars on our life. My pain, anguish and struggle is mediocre when compared to what you have gone through. I still hold myself responsible for not being there, for not being able to share your burden or even to hold your hand. I can blame fate by saying that it was all part of the Lord's written word and I could have done nothing to prevent what happened, but the truth is that I had a choice, to stay or leave, I took the latter. I think that was the first moment in my life when I actually thought of us at two separate people, two distinct individuals, two disparate souls with their own destinies. Before that moment I never believed we would ever be apart. I never let the thought even crawl into my head. Now the realization that this alternate reality could even exist left me cold, callous and disillusioned. I don't think I have ever completely recovered. I know people can argue that I didn't really have a choice and you had taken your stand and I did the right  thing by setting you free. Maybe I did what was best for the both of us. I guess I took the best choice, but the best choice is not always the right one!

I may never be able to completely empathize with what you went through and how much it changed you. At one level, I think it's because I have never experienced the trauma and agony that comes from what you have lost, and on another level, because I no longer figure as a confidante, someone who you can turn to, someone who you believe will always catch you when you fall. No matter how much you say that is untrue, what my heart feels when I close my eyes, no amount of words or pretentiousness can ever prove wrong. I know you may not believe me, but I do understand. If you have lived in a prison, then I have been in the darkest most murkiest corners of it with you. I have taken every step and caught every tear that has trickled down you face. I may never be able to completely express to you what it feels like to see someone you love in pain, and not be able to help, to touch, to share...to abandon them almost...because life gives you no other choice.

I don't know how much of what you have gone through has changed you, and what bruises you carry with you. I will never know if you never let me in. Yet, I can see the change, I can feel the change. I remember a time when being in your embrace was the most intense, most exalted, most overwhelming feeling I had ever experienced. It became an addiction and I have never experienced such a moment of raw, unrestrained emotion with another living being. It was forbidden, maybe even sinful. Now as I lie next to you, I can see the body, I can touch the flesh, but I cannot feel the heart. I cannot find the soul. Maybe the girl I loved has been left behind somewhere. I just want you to know, that if you put your trust in me one last time, I will go back into the darkness, I will find her again and I will bring her back...I will bring you back! Because as far as I know, if you don't exist, neither do I and nothing else in the world matters. I don't want to live like this, even when you are by my side, I don't want to be alone...even when I am with you!

Yesterday

The bus I missed on my way back home,
Last night's dinner and it's taste outworn,
The bell ringing on her telephone,
Reminds me of yesterday once more,

Old letters and pictures and tempers blown,
A crescent moon and a hint of cologne,
Some words I forget but remember their tone,
Reminds me of yesterday once more,

The sweat on my forehead and her beguiling moans,
Sheets in disarray, a mesh of wine on the floor,
Her repulsive after taste and the perfume she wore,
Reminds me of yesterday once more,

Raindrops dancing against the casement bow,
a reason to betray, an unrepentent baritone,
Her unsought warmth and my frosty brow,
Reminds me of yesterday once more,

a kiss goodbye at quarter past four,
my need for her deminishing even more,
her forsaken guise, like it was etched in stone,
Reminds me of yesterday once more.

My admission to the guilt like it was some sort of joke,
a spring in my step, my heart gone rogue,
the smirk on my face as I walked back home,
Reminds of yesterday once more.

Why does it feel so right?

And you say, you love me tonight,

you kiss me, and you hold me tight,

at this moment, everything seems all right,

emotions, intimacy all at their height,

But how long will this last, how long must I wait,

Till we are together again,

will u ever return, will u miss that train,

just so you can see my smile again,

I am tired of motels and hotel rooms,

I am tired of being your shadow groom,

If everything about us needs to be so discrete,

Let's not love, let's not ever meet,

I want you to stay and never leave,

I want a home, a family and dreams in between,

I want to able to wish for you tonight,

and not find you gone by morning light,

And you say, you love me tonight,

you kiss me, and you hold me tight,

at this moment, everything seems all right,

emotions, intimacy all at their height,

You want my love, my soul, my everything,
then why am I the one waiting for the phone to ring,
my ambitions, my dreams to your door I bring,
All I return with is despair and longing,

Measure these words from a beatles rhyme,

sentiments I'd want you to cultivate,

"And in the end, the love you take,
is equal to the love you make"

So you say, you love me tonight,

you kiss me, and you hold me tight,

at this moment, when everything seems so wrong,

why does it still feel so right?

why does it still feel so right?

Smells like Love

Days, months and years seem to have gone by. But I'm still stuck in that one moment. Like some part of me is frozen in time. Refusing to let go, of that moment. Still trying to hold on to the memory, to the sentiments, to the association and companionship, even if it is hanging by a single string. It keeps reminding me that there was a point of time that I loved someone and someone loved me. That there was a level of intimacy that blossomed, which I may probably never share with anyone else. That familiarity is what I savour and commemorate. Familiarity is such a comforting feeling. Ask a traveler how he feels when he sees a familiar face or returns to a familiar place. Like the emotions going through a mother who finds her long lost child. Looking at you again made me feel that way.

I first tried to believe if I was actually seeing you or was it a figment of my imagination, maybe even a mirage. Maybe my mind had been so deeply affected that it had developed the ability to bring you to life. I reached out to touch you, hesitantly moving my fingers towards your cheek, you felt real enough, your skin felt just like it used to, my fingers recognized it's perfume. But maybe it might still be a dream, so I closed my eyes and let my fingers slip down to your shoulders, when I opened them you were still there. Ohhh...God!! you were actually here, I had been right. A few tears escaped and slipped down my cheek. I smiled to myself and then looked towards the heavens. The Good Lord had shown me mercy. I didn't ask you why or how, questions were not important, the only thing that mattered was that you were here, in front of me, you had returned. This was the moment I had been stuck in all this while. I remember that day now, so ironical, the same situation, the same characters, the same feelings, but the outcome completely contrary to the present.

As I said, familiarity is such a soothing, tranquilising feeling. You were the same, the same as I had left you, your eyes shimmering like black pearls in the moonlight, you felt the same to the touch and to the senses. I held you close, there was no need to worry anymore. You were safe, you were with me, you were finally home. I had missed you so much. Nothing else in my life fascinated me as much as you, nothing else completed me like you did. This lifetime was too short for me to love you as much as I wanted to, I guess I will need a few more eternities. It's the kind of love they write about in fairy tales and books of fiction. The way we all want it to be, the way we all dream it to be, the way it should be...raw, unadulterated and magical.

Love is so much in our reign and yet so out of our control...you can choose to love...but who...only your Heart decides that...so Love...as much as u can...even in the end if it destroys you...coz it's better to crash and burn than never to fly at all...spread ur wings...Love...love Selflessly...give ur Heart & Soul...in the end if ur left empty handed...you know u gave everything...didn't hold anything back...true feelings cannot be manipulated...they will always stand the test of time...the sweet pain that comes from the inability to control ur pulsating heart...no feeling more fulfilling in this world...that's the only way to love...that's the only love I recognise...the only form in which I understand love...the only way I know how to love.

My soul was smiling for the first time since my emotional exile, I wanted to laugh out loud, scream out, cry and sing with the chorus of the wind, all at the same time. Life does come full circle sometimes, I don't know if this is destiny or if this is meant to last forever, but there is no other way I want life to be. I want to live life one breath at a time now, I never know, my next might be my last. I collect my thoughts, take your hand in mine, kiss you softly, I am a part of you once more...I smell of you again...I smell of love!

Letting Go

Love stands defined when I say your name,
Life's incomplete without you in the frame,
I love you so much I can't begin to define,
you're my heart, my soul, my only valentine,

We have said our goodbye once and many times more,
But every time we return, I love you more than before,
I can read the thought that lingers in those haunting eyes,
"I wish I came back before I became his bride"

Now all that I have is a dream so to say,
that we'll meet someday in a place far away,
the moon will be full and the stars will shine bright,
and I can dance with you all through the night,

I smile to myself at the possibility,
Alas you and I are not reality,
I guess sometimes we should let things be,
The way they were always meant to be,

Back then,I had no reason to love you so,
Now, I have no reason for letting you go,
Times change and so do we,
Loving you remains the perpetual irony.