Why does it feel so right?

And you say, you love me tonight,

you kiss me, and you hold me tight,

at this moment, everything seems all right,

emotions, intimacy all at their height,

But how long will this last, how long must I wait,

Till we are together again,

will u ever return, will u miss that train,

just so you can see my smile again,

I am tired of motels and hotel rooms,

I am tired of being your shadow groom,

If everything about us needs to be so discrete,

Let's not love, let's not ever meet,

I want you to stay and never leave,

I want a home, a family and dreams in between,

I want to able to wish for you tonight,

and not find you gone by morning light,

And you say, you love me tonight,

you kiss me, and you hold me tight,

at this moment, everything seems all right,

emotions, intimacy all at their height,

You want my love, my soul, my everything,
then why am I the one waiting for the phone to ring,
my ambitions, my dreams to your door I bring,
All I return with is despair and longing,

Measure these words from a beatles rhyme,

sentiments I'd want you to cultivate,

"And in the end, the love you take,
is equal to the love you make"

So you say, you love me tonight,

you kiss me, and you hold me tight,

at this moment, when everything seems so wrong,

why does it still feel so right?

why does it still feel so right?

Smells like Love

Days, months and years seem to have gone by. But I'm still stuck in that one moment. Like some part of me is frozen in time. Refusing to let go, of that moment. Still trying to hold on to the memory, to the sentiments, to the association and companionship, even if it is hanging by a single string. It keeps reminding me that there was a point of time that I loved someone and someone loved me. That there was a level of intimacy that blossomed, which I may probably never share with anyone else. That familiarity is what I savour and commemorate. Familiarity is such a comforting feeling. Ask a traveler how he feels when he sees a familiar face or returns to a familiar place. Like the emotions going through a mother who finds her long lost child. Looking at you again made me feel that way.

I first tried to believe if I was actually seeing you or was it a figment of my imagination, maybe even a mirage. Maybe my mind had been so deeply affected that it had developed the ability to bring you to life. I reached out to touch you, hesitantly moving my fingers towards your cheek, you felt real enough, your skin felt just like it used to, my fingers recognized it's perfume. But maybe it might still be a dream, so I closed my eyes and let my fingers slip down to your shoulders, when I opened them you were still there. Ohhh...God!! you were actually here, I had been right. A few tears escaped and slipped down my cheek. I smiled to myself and then looked towards the heavens. The Good Lord had shown me mercy. I didn't ask you why or how, questions were not important, the only thing that mattered was that you were here, in front of me, you had returned. This was the moment I had been stuck in all this while. I remember that day now, so ironical, the same situation, the same characters, the same feelings, but the outcome completely contrary to the present.

As I said, familiarity is such a soothing, tranquilising feeling. You were the same, the same as I had left you, your eyes shimmering like black pearls in the moonlight, you felt the same to the touch and to the senses. I held you close, there was no need to worry anymore. You were safe, you were with me, you were finally home. I had missed you so much. Nothing else in my life fascinated me as much as you, nothing else completed me like you did. This lifetime was too short for me to love you as much as I wanted to, I guess I will need a few more eternities. It's the kind of love they write about in fairy tales and books of fiction. The way we all want it to be, the way we all dream it to be, the way it should be...raw, unadulterated and magical.

Love is so much in our reign and yet so out of our control...you can choose to love...but who...only your Heart decides that...so Love...as much as u can...even in the end if it destroys you...coz it's better to crash and burn than never to fly at all...spread ur wings...Love...love Selflessly...give ur Heart & Soul...in the end if ur left empty handed...you know u gave everything...didn't hold anything back...true feelings cannot be manipulated...they will always stand the test of time...the sweet pain that comes from the inability to control ur pulsating heart...no feeling more fulfilling in this world...that's the only way to love...that's the only love I recognise...the only form in which I understand love...the only way I know how to love.

My soul was smiling for the first time since my emotional exile, I wanted to laugh out loud, scream out, cry and sing with the chorus of the wind, all at the same time. Life does come full circle sometimes, I don't know if this is destiny or if this is meant to last forever, but there is no other way I want life to be. I want to live life one breath at a time now, I never know, my next might be my last. I collect my thoughts, take your hand in mine, kiss you softly, I am a part of you once more...I smell of you again...I smell of love!

Letting Go

Love stands defined when I say your name,
Life's incomplete without you in the frame,
I love you so much I can't begin to define,
you're my heart, my soul, my only valentine,

We have said our goodbye once and many times more,
But every time we return, I love you more than before,
I can read the thought that lingers in those haunting eyes,
"I wish I came back before I became his bride"

Now all that I have is a dream so to say,
that we'll meet someday in a place far away,
the moon will be full and the stars will shine bright,
and I can dance with you all through the night,

I smile to myself at the possibility,
Alas you and I are not reality,
I guess sometimes we should let things be,
The way they were always meant to be,

Back then,I had no reason to love you so,
Now, I have no reason for letting you go,
Times change and so do we,
Loving you remains the perpetual irony.

A Song For You

A few idle papers, a pen and some murky residue,
I set out to write a song for you,
where I should begin, I don't have a clue,
for life as I know it, began with you,

The first time I saw you,
was like a million explosions in my heart,
earth, sun and all between, sang a serenade,
all we did was play our part,

I miss your tender smile and the way you laughed,
how effortlessly you pulled me out of the dark,
the way my heart fluttered when it heard your name,
my dream of us together in a photo-frame,

I could look at you all day, without a moment's rest,
enchanted by everything you did and said,
to you I pledged my every breath,
maybe I did too much, maybe I did too less,

I want to do everything but I cant do anything for you,
I cant do anything except be in love with you,
I would bleed myself dry and my soul I would discard,
if I could just go back to the start,

But I cant do that, I am but a mortal soul,
all that's left in my chest is a gaping hole,
all I am left with is your memory,
all I do is miss you and the way you used to be.

...Redemption

I cant remember how long it lasted,
I cant remember how long I was under,
but somehow I made it back up,
swallowing air, dust, life,
scuffling with the temptation to surrender,

I had almost given up,
crucified by my own submission,
taking fondness in my involuntary defusion,
and wounds a result of self infliction,

till something tore inside of me, a slender streak of light, a sword divine,
slashing through the silence, darkness and monotony,
a brilliant manifestation of desire, life, melody,
each color an antidote, each atonement a remedy,

my pilgrimage finally poised for completion,
I scurry through the salinity, closer to my destination,
my final wounds as I grapple with the rocks,
the earth opens it arms, my body in its bosom,
savoring the solace of self redemption.

Confessions

I am stuck in a place, frozen in my mind,
where pain is habit, love a lost rhyme,
empty frames decorate its walls of lime,
enslaving my soul for an eternal crime,

I examine the walls of my prison cell,
names etched of those who rose and fell,
voices whispering, their own stories to tell,
I listen to them like a silent rebel,

A thorn welcomes my every step,
its pain inside me so secretly kept,
a scar for each promise I kept,
a smile for each tear unwept,

Love, hate, trust are just words to me,
their distinction no longer visible lucidly,
I'm no longer the custodian nor Knight to be,
I don't want to be heard, I just want to be free,

I am tired of forgiving and being strong,
It's a burden I can no longer carry alone,
I confess my sins and plead to thee,
send me to the gallows, set my soul free,

Don't shed a tear when they hang my head,
the curse, the agony finally comes to an end,
the journey over as the river reaches the bend,
and I sleep in tranquility, till the dead are un-dead.

An odd time for LOVE

Close to midnight and I am terribly tired even though I haven't done a thing all day...lying down on my bed as my head hits the pillow the thought of LOVE is on my mind. Why at this time you wonder?..well I am wondering the same thing. I don't know how I would put it...when I think of LOVE I remember that I was in LOVE at one time...ok not exactly...it's true that I was in LOVE but that doesn't mean I am not in LOVE now...and I also know that I will always be perpetually in LOVE. The apparent question that arises is...do I just keep falling in LOVE all the time with different people or am I in LOVE with one person. Well it's not as simple as that and yet it is not very complicated at the same time if you can catch the drift of what I want to say. So listen...or in this case read intently. I must admit I keep falling in LOVE all the time with the most beautiful of women...and yet I am in LOVE with one person. My idea or definition of LOVE is that one person and somehow I can find something of her in every woman I fall in LOVE with. It's because some of them remind me of the way she did her hair, some of them remind me of the way her lips parted and spread so symmetrically across her face when she smiled, some of them remind me of the way her skin glowed when the rays of the morning sun fell on her body, some of them remind me of the way she looked when she wore her fav blue jeans and pink snoopy t-shirt, some of them remind me of her gentle giggle when she knew that she had said something that I didn't find very amusing, some of them just remind me of her by saying something that she would have said or doing something that she would have done. The funny thing is that most of the time I don't even think about how she looked...it's just that the feeling of being in LOVE with her is just so overwhelming so almost orgasmic that I cant think of anything or anyone else in the whole universe at that moment of time.

I know this may all seem like some romantic delusion, but trust me it's real, coz I live it each and every day of my fucking, pointless, messed up life. The next question that arises is...Why don't I do something about it?...good question...hmmm....well I want to do something about it I really do. I have countless number of times picturised myself...running to my car and driving to her apartment...calling her down...looking into her eyes and asking her to give us one last chance...telling her how much she means to me...how she would be the only woman I ever loved...how she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen and how I would never be able to tell that to any other woman no matter how gorgeous or dazzling she might be and even if I said it I would never truly mean it!...how every time I cried after watching a mushy romantic movie, it would be because I missed her...how I would picturise her in every LOVE song I would ever hear...how I loved to hold her hand and kiss the tips of her fingers and then her knuckles and then her clasped hands in mine...how when I loved her I relished the way her soft porcelain skin felt to my brittle touch and how her perfume filled me with a feeling of mercifulness, like that of a sinner earning the right to enter paradise...how holding her to my body made me feel so complete like an orphan that had found his guardian angel...how I dreamt of her every night that I was away from her...how I missed the sweet soft feeling of her lips touching mine and melting into me...how I missed the way her head found the perfect spot on my shoulder and how her nose felt when I touched it with mine....I imagine myself wanting to tell her that and so much more...so many more feelings that I cannot give words to...but there is a reason why this act that I so vividly describe has never taken place...why I have never attempted it...it's because of a devastating fear...what if she turns me down...what if after spilling my heart to her she says that I am being immature and childish and impractical...what if she turns me down...if she does...I know I will die right at that moment...I would hate to realize that I am nothing more than a memory or a part of her life that she has accepted and left behind...at least now I have my romantic notions, my idealistic dreams and my hopeless hopes...then I will have nothing at all...no hopes...no dreams...no LOVE...just life like everyone else...

But I also wonder how awful and disturbing it would be if I had to sit down and decide the kind of girl I wanted to be with...I mean it would be the most exhausting, most draining exercise both at a mental and emotional level...and I don't believe in it...like dating...you have so many options that you always have a thought at the back of your mind that maybe you can do better...maybe there is someone better waiting for you out there...I don't know about anyone else but I think that way...and the physical aspects of the person become so important or magnified...no matter how hard one tries to overlook them...I guess it's maybe because there is so much cynicism around that one tends to become over cynical and the entire process of exploration turns into a fashion parade...it's this very thought that turns me off...I don't want to decide the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, by analyzing her from head to toe...I don't want to be deciding on a girl just by what she wears and how she carries herself or how sexy her legs look or how her lips resemble Angelina Jolie's or how she has a behind like Jennifer Lopez...I want to be able to look at a girl and fall completely and utterly in love with her...everything about her...coz then I will LOVE the person and not just her face...I will LOVE her soul and not just her body...I will LOVE her smile and not just her lips...and God in all this sinful life of mine if you had to believe one piece of truth that came out of my mouth...it would have to be that I loved her in that way and I always would...

So at this very odd time for LOVE...I wonder should I grab those keys and drive...or resign myself to the fate that has been bestowed to me...give in to my fears and resign to the design of destiny...life can change so quickly...in split moments everything can turn upside down and it has for me so many times. I heard this cheeky one liner that said...in great LOVE and great business lies great risk...I must say I am a maverick of sorts...always trying to do the impossible...maybe I should take this risk after all...I know that I may not be very alive right now but if I don't take that risk I might have to live the rest of my life impregnated with this gut wrenching, self depreciating, cruel question...what if I had run towards my car...driven to her apartment...and laid out my heart in front of her...and what if she agreed...well I could be the luckiest most happiest son of a gun that ever lived...and the very thought of it fills my heart with immense joy and courage...do I think it's worth the risk...hell yes!!...I would rather live the rest of my life in excruciating pain than in cowardice regret, I think to myself, as I reach for the keys...