Alone with you

I look back down the years and wonder, how did we reach where we are today? I know things have never been simple for us, I know there have always been variables that have been beyond our control and circumstances that have mostly gone against us. I can even go to the length of saying that whatever could have gone wrong for us...has! But even in moments of utter chaos...even when everything around us was falling apart...when even hope seemed to be an impossible possibility...even then...the world that existed between you and me was one of unspoken devotion, unbridled love, a calm warm place that existed when we were together in any form. A safe place where we could escape to and find the will and resolve to keep going. I thought that would never change, no matter what happened and how far away we drifted. I always lived with the divine belief that no one could take away the one place in the world that truly belonged to me. Maybe my belief was a state of being in a prolonged drunken stupor. Now when this delusion has faded, I find myself distraught and alone in a way I have never felt before.

I know I cannot complain, and I cannot blame anyone for what I am experiencing, not even you. I know we all change with time, we all experience things that leave permanent scars on our life. My pain, anguish and struggle is mediocre when compared to what you have gone through. I still hold myself responsible for not being there, for not being able to share your burden or even to hold your hand. I can blame fate by saying that it was all part of the Lord's written word and I could have done nothing to prevent what happened, but the truth is that I had a choice, to stay or leave, I took the latter. I think that was the first moment in my life when I actually thought of us at two separate people, two distinct individuals, two disparate souls with their own destinies. Before that moment I never believed we would ever be apart. I never let the thought even crawl into my head. Now the realization that this alternate reality could even exist left me cold, callous and disillusioned. I don't think I have ever completely recovered. I know people can argue that I didn't really have a choice and you had taken your stand and I did the right  thing by setting you free. Maybe I did what was best for the both of us. I guess I took the best choice, but the best choice is not always the right one!

I may never be able to completely empathize with what you went through and how much it changed you. At one level, I think it's because I have never experienced the trauma and agony that comes from what you have lost, and on another level, because I no longer figure as a confidante, someone who you can turn to, someone who you believe will always catch you when you fall. No matter how much you say that is untrue, what my heart feels when I close my eyes, no amount of words or pretentiousness can ever prove wrong. I know you may not believe me, but I do understand. If you have lived in a prison, then I have been in the darkest most murkiest corners of it with you. I have taken every step and caught every tear that has trickled down you face. I may never be able to completely express to you what it feels like to see someone you love in pain, and not be able to help, to touch, to share...to abandon them almost...because life gives you no other choice.

I don't know how much of what you have gone through has changed you, and what bruises you carry with you. I will never know if you never let me in. Yet, I can see the change, I can feel the change. I remember a time when being in your embrace was the most intense, most exalted, most overwhelming feeling I had ever experienced. It became an addiction and I have never experienced such a moment of raw, unrestrained emotion with another living being. It was forbidden, maybe even sinful. Now as I lie next to you, I can see the body, I can touch the flesh, but I cannot feel the heart. I cannot find the soul. Maybe the girl I loved has been left behind somewhere. I just want you to know, that if you put your trust in me one last time, I will go back into the darkness, I will find her again and I will bring her back...I will bring you back! Because as far as I know, if you don't exist, neither do I and nothing else in the world matters. I don't want to live like this, even when you are by my side, I don't want to be alone...even when I am with you!

Christmas Lights

Its that time of year once again,
I see the signs, I can tell,

the same old tale, the same old claim,
pieces on the board, but we never finish the game,

the Christmas cheer, the cold winter breeze,
lights serenading as I walk down the street,

counting my blessings, a prayer in my heart,
to melt the gates of fate that keep us apart,

parents, children, tis the time for family,
postcards, presents and the Christmas tree,

carols being sung, their voices fill the air,
it's as much happiness as I can bear,

I feel no disdain, only self pity,
I'm not jealous, just guilty of envy,

I remember taking this walk with you,
we spoke of love, promises and dreams come true,

we walked so long together, yet strayed so far,
won the battle, but lost the war,

the little things are always the hardest to forget,
the way you tied your hair, kissed my forehead,

my barren palm reminds me, times have changed,
but the more things change, the more they stay the same,

the older I grow, the lonelier I feel,
the more I trust, the less I heal,

only questions to negotiate, not an answer in sight,
like a bemused bird swaying aimlessly in flight,

the reasons you didn't return I never could see
I was afraid you'd say the reason was me,

you can tell me forever my assumption is absurd,
but silence sometimes speaks louder than words,

there's joy and happiness around me, but I can't sing along,
I'm the forsaken ghost of Christmas, with my own forsaken song,

like a river of diamonds and silk, flows the night sky,
you're happy where you are, and so am I,

you come and go as you please, like the years that pass me by,
these Christmas lights will always be here, and so will I.

The Jester who stole the crown

The court was full of nobles and royals,
waiting with bated breath,
the date was set, the King had said,
his daughter had to be wed,
the princess walked out and took her place,
they bowed their heads in respect,

all vying for her hand in matrimony,
they came from near and far,
some with their carnal eyes on her youth,
others on the crown in the cookie jar,
she stood before them with disdain,
hoping that someone would seek,
not just her beauty or her crown,
but the heart that beat beneath,

The king announced any man with honor,
could strive to win his daughter's hand,
a noble, a prince and even a tramp,
if he proved he was of worthy brand,
line by line the nobles tried,
to charm the princess with gifts,
and gestures that were as hollow,
as the poetry they paid to lift,

As the king's word reached his ear,
the jester decided he'd try his luck,
his soul was free and he had nothing to lose,
the most they could do was lock him up,
the court went aghast when he requested to speak,
but the King promised him a turn,
so when he finally got the chance,
he spoke without fear, his words were firm,

I may not be of noble breed, he said, but I am of noble deed,
for the rings of integrity my lady, do not flatter thieves,
I cannot pay your weight in gold nor your crown do I crave,
but to show your heart the joy of smaller things,
those that have never crossed your palace gates,
to trust, to support, to respect, to adore, 
to love like only a man can,

It's all I have, all I can give,
all my humble heart can afford to do,
breed or blood don't make a King,
only deeds and a character true,
If you deem me fit ma lady,
I'd gladly prove it to you,

the princess heard his charismatic plea,
and his honesty had her won,
she chose the jester above them all,
the nobles were left sucking their thumbs,
their riches and creed had fallen flat, his veracity had trumped their cards,
for he proved to win a woman's hand,
you need to first win her heart!

A note for a rainy day..

...It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word

And then that word grew louder and louder
'Til it was a battle cry

I'll come back
When you call me
No need to say goodbye..

I tried remembering the events of that night...I knew what you wanted me to say...I knew how you were feeling and exactly what you needed. I wanted to blurt it out...scream it out and let you know exactly how I felt...to share every ounce of unsaid and unexpressed emotion that was trapped inside me...brimming...bouncing with volatility...just waiting to be unleashed. I wanted to say it...so bad...to keep it inside me was excruciating...like the blood in my veins was pumping with the rushing intensity of a rapid...to the point that I felt it might actually gush out of me...but I needed to hold on...I needed to enjoy the moment...to savor it...to bask in its strength...to indulge in the moment.

I had wanted to hear the same words from you so many times before...so many moments squandered and so many portraits left unfinished...can't remember how many times I was left with nothing but the unsettled dust of defeat...and now when you wanted to hear the same words...why didn't I relent...why didn't I put an end to your torture...I don't know!! I felt strong...powerful...in control and I loved it. I knew I should not allow myself to be enticed by the corrupting charm of power...but it was a futile battle...no matter how fanatically I was screaming the words...inside me...I wouldn't let them go...these words...reverberating and bouncing around like marbles in a crystal box...inflicting damage but not fatal...unable to break free.

I wouldn't let myself say it...maybe I wanted you to feel what I felt...in every moment of disappointment and defeat...how the soul twisted and cringed under the pressure...sadistic of me I know...I shouldn't have...I would pay a price for this...a heavy price...was I stupid enough to gamble with something so precious?

In all this chaos...I looked at your eager, craving eyes...and I looked away...I couldn't...I felt so vain and petty...almost disgusted...but I wouldn't say it...not now...one day I would but not today...and maybe then the tables would be turned on me...and I would experience exactly what you were going through at this moment...the anxiety...the fear...the hope...the wishful thinking...but I knew I could take it...I had done it so many times before...it was a habit now...bring the pain I said to myself...bring it!!

The night had passed and all I was left with was the palpable aroma of your breath wrapped around me and a memory of how bigoted and self obsessed I was. A very sad caricature and a depressing tapestry.

I stood across from you now and as I had predicted..the tables had turned...but I was prepared and I was conditioned...there was no fear...there was no remorse...I knew what was going to happen...it's funny how we play this out so many times and by now even you know how this is going to end...but we come back every time...hungry and craving for more...two insatiated beings...at these cross roads...leaving an even more indelible infliction on each other every time...and then walking away...I don't really know how long this drama will continue but I will keep playing my role as long as you keep playing yours...let us be damned to do this forever...maybe that is the curse for what we have done to each other...two tattered forsaken souls...whose only means of survival...only means to feel alive...is to come crawling back to this place again and again...till either one runs out of hope or the stamina to continue...

I looked up...into your eyes...fidgeted with a piece of paper in my coat pocket...I had written the words you wanted to hear that night...it was carefully folded...I asked you to hold out your hand and as you did, I placed the paper on your palm...

"Don't read what's written in it now," I said.

"Why?" you inquired.

"Keep it for a rainy day, when you're not at your strongest, when you begin to lose the will to keep going, when your spirit gets tired of fighting, when giving up seems to be the only choice, when every part of you aches and cries out with the anguish of enduring life and all it has thrown in your path, read it then, read it out loud, maybe you will understand...and if you do...come find me," I said.

As the words trailed away with the passing breeze, I smiled at you.

Then turned around and walked away...there was nothing left to say...

Same Mistake

Saw the world turning in my sheets,
and once again I cannot sleep,
walk out the door and up the street,
look at the stars beneath my feet,
Remember rights that I made wrong,
and here I go...

I jolted up from my bed...like I just had a bad dream...which I didn't and even if I did I don't remember it...but my heart was beating incessantly and furiously...for a few seconds i felt incapacitated...my surroundings seemed alien to me...my eyes seemed like they were zooming in and out like the fluctuating focus of a camera...like there was a macabre of light and sounds playing in front of my eyes...it took me a moment for everything to come into perspective...I looked around glad to find myself on my bed...reclined back on the palms of my hands...looked up at the roof and started to catch my breath...my breathing and heartbeat slowly returned to normal and I wondered what had caused this semi-terminal experience...I sat back up and only then noticed I was sweating profusely...I wiped some of the sweat of my face and forehead...I felt a cold wave transmit itself through my spine...and I shivered...I needed a shower and then a smoke...that would put me right...

I took my time in the shower...letting the warmth of the water permeate into my skin...I love hot showers...it always feels like the water is making sweet love to  you...cold showers are completely the opposite...like being rudely woken up...no indulgence...the warm water is so pacifying...and that's exactly what I needed at the time...I let the water run for a good 20-25 minutes...till I felt I had enough and my midnight shock had subsided...I wiped myself and put on a pair of boxers...I walked back into my room...the room was dark save for the illumination from the incandescent street light outside my window...the light offered a warm contrast to the dark mistiness of the ambiance. I grabbed my cigarettes and slipped one out...walked to the window and pushed the curtains all the way back to allow more light into the room...opened the window half way and allowed the cool night breeze to caress in...I leaned my shoulder against the wall and lit the cigarette...watched the red ribbons that curled and fell away as the tobacco and paper melt in the air...my first few puffs were long and indulgent...the nicotine and it's intoxicating pacification...I felt better...so I lit another...felt calmer and my mind wandered off to abstract thoughts...I closed my eyes and let the tranquility of the moment sink in...

A loud thud rudely brought me back to reality...apparently the breeze outside had turned adventurous...in a violent burst...it had blown idle papers off my desk and swept my pen and paintbrushes to the floor...toppled a few books and a solitary picture-frame from my bedside...taking the meek side lamp down too...the  sound was probably not as loud as I perceived...it was probably the relative  calmness of the night that magnified the indiscretion of the wind...I closed the window and put a t-shirt on...the room had become slightly chilly...I picked up the papers and put the instruments back in their original position on my desk...I proceeded to my bedside and picked up the books and the photo-frame...and then the lamp...luckily the carpeted floor that muffled the fall and caused no permanent damage to the lamp or the frame...I was kinda afraid one or both would have broken...I was glad to be proven wrong...as I placed the frame back on the side table...I looked at the photo...I wondered why I still had the picture?...its protagonist was a distant memory...it was a slightly grainy picture of an 18 year old girl in a deep maroon saree...the smile and the innocence on her face were timeless...the way her scarlet bangs fell softly on her face kissing her cheeks...her beautiful eyes looking back at me...asking questions...seeking answers...they reached out...stood out...every time I looked at the picture it brought a flood of memories back like they were all chained to it and responded to its call...it had been a different and difficult time then...and it had changed my life...like nothing before it and nothing after...I placed the frame back on the side table beside the books and the lamp...and fell back onto my bed...I should not have let those memories crawl back from their  damnation...I decided to push them aside and try to get some sleep...thinking about them was not going to yield anything productive...the conclusion was always the same no matter how I tried to play the events in my head...at the end I was alone...and that's not the ending I wanted...not then..not now...not ever...I would never let it happen to me again...I whispered under my breath...again and again...!

Sleeping was futile...I think it was because I was trying too hard...I needed to relax...not let this momentary emotional distress ruffle my feathers...I took a few deep breaths...no good!

Aldous Huxley very famously said, "Every man's memory is his private literature." Well a truer word could not have been spoken. No matter how hard I tried, I knew I would not be able to rest unless I untangled the knot that these memories had innocuously created. When you don't want to think about something, your mind is invariably pulled to it like a hungry dog to a butcher shop. I let my mind maneuver it's way to the moments it wanted to confront. I found myself sitting in front of her...looking at her...mesmerized...watching her lips being manipulated by the thoughts in her mind...there was white silence for I didn't need to hear what she was saying and I already knew what inevitability was about to play out in front of me...my mind went further back...probably to the moments that led to this one...could I have done anything different...would it have made a difference then...the thing is you can never know...destiny plays out the way it's meant to...and that's that I guess!

What about the future then...it's still an uncertainty...but a variable I have some control over...what if this moment played in front of me again...she sitting in front of me...ready to leave...what would I say...what would it mean...a train of thoughts ran through me...

Did you ever love someone so much...that nothing else and no one else mattered...like when you can't breathe sometimes because you are so overwhelmed by how crazy and out of control you feel...you memorize everything about them...their face and its contortions...every plane and edge of their body...their voice...their smell...their touch...the way they walk...the way they talk...when you own them and they own you...When you love them not because they love you back but because you really can't help feeling any other way...it's not a trick and it's not a switch you can turn on or off as you please...you love because you want to and it gives you an indescribable amount of happiness...the happiness that people spend their entire life in pursuit of...but because this love is so insane...an oddity of sorts...its also poison...when things are good you feel like it's paradise and when they're not it feels more morbid and painful than your worst nightmare...and you get sick of looking at them...when you loose composure and get in each others face...spew words filled with venomous lament and regret...when you hurt them even though you promised them you never would...hit each other...hurl abuses...cringe...scratch and bite them...when they drive you to a self consuming rage that takes over...you look them in the eye and want to choke them...even kill them...and you go your separate ways to avoid more damage and torture...but then the day ends and a new one begins and yesterday is history and today is an opportunity...to make up and beg forgiveness...nurse the wounds that you caused them...cry and kiss and embrace and fall asleep in each other...and you realize that when it comes to love you are blind and so are they...you tell them its your fault and that you couldn't live a willing second without them...that next time you will never hurt them...but there should never be a next time...they should never leave...never...because if they do you would burn the world you built with them to the ground...and then sadistically watch everything burn...watch them burn...let the pain torture you till you are nothing more than ash and dust...

I ran my fingers through my hair...left a soft dewy effect on my finger tips...the thoughts were too strong...too powerful to swallow...they were madness...moments of utter derangement...they hit me like slabs of ice...I glanced back at the photograph and her smile will still as endearing as it had always been...was there an incomplete story? would it ever be complete or lie suspended in the continuum of time and space and forgotten forever? I don't know but I hope...that one way or the other I would find the way...to the truth....to love...again!

Probably I agree with Edward de Bono when he said , "A memory is what is left when something happens and does not completely unhappen." Maybe it means there is something left to happen...some roles that have been left unplayed and some moves left unmade...the question arises then...even if nothing happens...ever!! would I go through it all over again? even though I know what happens in the end!

I gathered my thoughts...walked back to the window...and lit another cigarette...smiled...I knew the answer...I guess I always knew...because whatever happened, everything I endured made me what I am today and I am proud of that...and indebted to life for it...I would do it all once more...even if it was a mistake...I would gladly make the same mistake again!

Love and Time

The sparrows chirp in their nest,
the wind whistles by,
my thoughts go back to the last time,
I had you by my side,

oh! you looked so lovely,
oh! you looked so fine,
I wanted to say so much,
I had so little time,

my fate it is so wicked,
its almost like a crime,
I meant to say I Love You,
it made me say Good Bye!

Now as I count the miles,
that stretch between you and me,
I know you're always in my heart,
it's where you'll always be,

I thought I'd never love again,
until you came on by,
I tried so hard not to let you in,
but I failed in every try,

I hope my search is at an end,
hope there is nothing left to find,
except the path to your heart,
and a ticket to the end of time!

The stigma of the first time!

I sometimes judge our society on how it has romanticized the concept of “The First” in relationships. The first kiss, first love, first fight, first sight, first date, first hate…whatever…you get the picture! Not only is this obsession legitimized by the perennial stalwarts of everything romantic namely Archies and Hallmark but it’s turned into this marketing opportunity which every corporate worth its dime seems to be jumping into. Now I know people will be like, what’s wrong with that? Actually honestly…nothing! But I just have a diametrically opposite opinion about it nonetheless. Let me explain.

My problem is not that I disagree with people celebrating and marking their first anniversaries or dates etc. It's just that everything first is supposed to be this life altering, emotionally defining moment which you will savor and remember for the rest of your life and if god forbid something goes wrong, you will be scarred for life, unable to feel or ever experience the divinity in that moment, coz obviously it can never happen again! Or they would like you to believe. Ever felt the pressure of expectations weighing down on you when you’re about to get or give your first kiss…or experience something intimate for the first time. It’s like you are supposed to be this vivacious, enigmatic lover who knows all the right moves and all the right lines and sweeps your partner off their feet, violins start playing in the background, the moon and the stars descend from the heavens and you both are transported to this magical world to experience something that is truly cosmic and transcendental.

Was that how you thought it was going to be, or should be? I am sure if not entirely, the depiction was close. But how did you know this was supposed to happen, you didn’t dream it or imagine it all by the creative forces in your mind. You were made to believe this is how it should be or must be. Whether it’s from being fed on the philosophy and fictional junk of these candy floss romantic flicks or going teary eyed reading quixotic paperbacks aka Mills & Boons, Twilight and the likes. They set such high and idealistic precedents that somehow we are supposed to match them at some degree. At least that’s what every hormone infested adolescent feels and so do many young adults. Not meeting these standards seems to be nothing less than a crime, or leaves you feeling inefficient, depressed and questioning your ability and worthiness. Not the picture perfect ending we were gutting for now is it?

Now people will argue that I am completely discounting the importance of the first encounter. No I am not, what I am saying is, we have romanticized it far too much. It's supposed to be special, but we’ve turned it into this do or die kind of performance ability test which everyone needs to ace. Now I really hope that most of you had first encounters that you really treasure and fondly remember. However, if you did not, that’s OK. You can make it work the second time or third time, or whenever you feel you are ready. That doesn’t mean you’re a failure and your partner is going to drop you like a bag of wet sand. It’s not like you started walking the moment you were born. You learned to crawl, then to stand and then to walk. So you’ll get there, some people I concede have a natural ability…some people are good talkers, some people handle emotions well, some connect with people well, some solve math problems with ease, and some people have artistic ability and some people are good at relationships. But that is no manner conveys that you can’t learn. Human beings by nature are emotional creatures, emotions are at the core of who we are and how we behave and are influenced. So it’s not some major complex physics formula that you need to crack. If it doesn’t work for you the first time, it will eventually. No need to eat yourself up over it.

People really are fixated with getting it right the first time, coz apparently if it’s right the first time, then it’s perfect. C’mon now…nothing in this world that is perfect or perceived as such was accomplished on the first go. Hell…Edison tried a thousand times before he invented the electric bulb. Einstein spent his entire life working and researching to come up with E=mc². So give perseverance a high five people!

Let me tell you honestly, most people have very awkward first times. Firstly coz they’re nervous maybe even petrified, overtly self conscious and insecure. So if someone tells you, dude I nailed it at the first go…please! Tell that person to go suck an egg coz 9.5 out of 10 times they are just fibbing and even if they are telling the truth, they are definitely pulling it beyond obvious recognition. Don’t be hung up on this first time dogma that society tends to perpetuate. If it’s perfect the first time, that’s wonderful, congratulations to you! If not, not to worry, it’s just a learning curve, there will be many more times when you can make it special. The best part is, you will be better prepared and better conditioned. And when it does happen, it will be on your terms, and you can waive the magic wand and create your own wonderland.