An odd time for LOVE

Close to midnight and I am terribly tired even though I haven't done a thing all day...lying down on my bed as my head hits the pillow the thought of LOVE is on my mind. Why at this time you wonder?..well I am wondering the same thing. I don't know how I would put it...when I think of LOVE I remember that I was in LOVE at one time...ok not exactly...it's true that I was in LOVE but that doesn't mean I am not in LOVE now...and I also know that I will always be perpetually in LOVE. The apparent question that arises is...do I just keep falling in LOVE all the time with different people or am I in LOVE with one person. Well it's not as simple as that and yet it is not very complicated at the same time if you can catch the drift of what I want to say. So listen...or in this case read intently. I must admit I keep falling in LOVE all the time with the most beautiful of women...and yet I am in LOVE with one person. My idea or definition of LOVE is that one person and somehow I can find something of her in every woman I fall in LOVE with. It's because some of them remind me of the way she did her hair, some of them remind me of the way her lips parted and spread so symmetrically across her face when she smiled, some of them remind me of the way her skin glowed when the rays of the morning sun fell on her body, some of them remind me of the way she looked when she wore her fav blue jeans and pink snoopy t-shirt, some of them remind me of her gentle giggle when she knew that she had said something that I didn't find very amusing, some of them just remind me of her by saying something that she would have said or doing something that she would have done. The funny thing is that most of the time I don't even think about how she looked...it's just that the feeling of being in LOVE with her is just so overwhelming so almost orgasmic that I cant think of anything or anyone else in the whole universe at that moment of time.

I know this may all seem like some romantic delusion, but trust me it's real, coz I live it each and every day of my fucking, pointless, messed up life. The next question that arises is...Why don't I do something about it?...good question...hmmm....well I want to do something about it I really do. I have countless number of times picturised myself...running to my car and driving to her apartment...calling her down...looking into her eyes and asking her to give us one last chance...telling her how much she means to me...how she would be the only woman I ever loved...how she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen and how I would never be able to tell that to any other woman no matter how gorgeous or dazzling she might be and even if I said it I would never truly mean it!...how every time I cried after watching a mushy romantic movie, it would be because I missed her...how I would picturise her in every LOVE song I would ever hear...how I loved to hold her hand and kiss the tips of her fingers and then her knuckles and then her clasped hands in mine...how when I loved her I relished the way her soft porcelain skin felt to my brittle touch and how her perfume filled me with a feeling of mercifulness, like that of a sinner earning the right to enter paradise...how holding her to my body made me feel so complete like an orphan that had found his guardian angel...how I dreamt of her every night that I was away from her...how I missed the sweet soft feeling of her lips touching mine and melting into me...how I missed the way her head found the perfect spot on my shoulder and how her nose felt when I touched it with mine....I imagine myself wanting to tell her that and so much more...so many more feelings that I cannot give words to...but there is a reason why this act that I so vividly describe has never taken place...why I have never attempted it...it's because of a devastating fear...what if she turns me down...what if after spilling my heart to her she says that I am being immature and childish and impractical...what if she turns me down...if she does...I know I will die right at that moment...I would hate to realize that I am nothing more than a memory or a part of her life that she has accepted and left behind...at least now I have my romantic notions, my idealistic dreams and my hopeless hopes...then I will have nothing at all...no hopes...no dreams...no LOVE...just life like everyone else...

But I also wonder how awful and disturbing it would be if I had to sit down and decide the kind of girl I wanted to be with...I mean it would be the most exhausting, most draining exercise both at a mental and emotional level...and I don't believe in it...like dating...you have so many options that you always have a thought at the back of your mind that maybe you can do better...maybe there is someone better waiting for you out there...I don't know about anyone else but I think that way...and the physical aspects of the person become so important or magnified...no matter how hard one tries to overlook them...I guess it's maybe because there is so much cynicism around that one tends to become over cynical and the entire process of exploration turns into a fashion parade...it's this very thought that turns me off...I don't want to decide the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, by analyzing her from head to toe...I don't want to be deciding on a girl just by what she wears and how she carries herself or how sexy her legs look or how her lips resemble Angelina Jolie's or how she has a behind like Jennifer Lopez...I want to be able to look at a girl and fall completely and utterly in love with her...everything about her...coz then I will LOVE the person and not just her face...I will LOVE her soul and not just her body...I will LOVE her smile and not just her lips...and God in all this sinful life of mine if you had to believe one piece of truth that came out of my mouth...it would have to be that I loved her in that way and I always would...

So at this very odd time for LOVE...I wonder should I grab those keys and drive...or resign myself to the fate that has been bestowed to me...give in to my fears and resign to the design of destiny...life can change so quickly...in split moments everything can turn upside down and it has for me so many times. I heard this cheeky one liner that said...in great LOVE and great business lies great risk...I must say I am a maverick of sorts...always trying to do the impossible...maybe I should take this risk after all...I know that I may not be very alive right now but if I don't take that risk I might have to live the rest of my life impregnated with this gut wrenching, self depreciating, cruel question...what if I had run towards my car...driven to her apartment...and laid out my heart in front of her...and what if she agreed...well I could be the luckiest most happiest son of a gun that ever lived...and the very thought of it fills my heart with immense joy and courage...do I think it's worth the risk...hell yes!!...I would rather live the rest of my life in excruciating pain than in cowardice regret, I think to myself, as I reach for the keys...

A few drops of Insanity

Your voice in the dream was so real...felt like the first drops of rain on a barren, thirsty plateau. I closed my eyes and let myself be overwhelmed by the pleasure it brought. Like warm blood gushing out of slit wrists...letting the frustration, agony, resentment and anxiety finally find a tunnel to escape. How much I wanted to love you and tell you I did so...how much I wanted to push all the obstacles aside and hold your hand...tell you that nothing was worth living in the denial that we were not meant to be with each other. But I stopped...I didn't let the words flow out, my patience was being tested again and I could not give in.

I knew then what you needed and I know now what you need. But it will take more time for the sun to rise on your side of the world. Maybe it will take more time for the sun to set on mine. But till either happen, the dream will live on in its perpetual nature. Tit bits of memories, voices, desire, adoration, fascination, expectation and fantasy, all brewed together to savor a true imitation of the "Promised Land."

The musings of my subconscious...heaving at the strings of my heart...till it bleeds of sweet torment...till nothing can be heard but the beating of a fading life. Maybe this Utopia is just optimism sitting arrogantly on the peak of insanity...but then dreamers have never been perceived as sane people and they never will be...

"I don't advocate insanity, but its always worked for me!"