Wednesday, December 19, 2007

A Turtle Dove

I think I am a turtle dove,
I've heard it never forgets its love,
I know my wish may never come true
but I am wishing you're one too!

Had I known this journey with you would be cut short I would not have packed along so many dreams, so much love and hope. But then I guess how would I call that true love. Its sad to admit that you will no longer be mine and I can never call you mine. I know that you will be happy wherever you go, I only wish that happiness could have been with me. I don't have to tell you how much I love you and how much I will miss you. I will try and move on and I will try to be happy. I was looking at a picture of you recently and it seemed like you were looking at me once again. For a moment I lost track of time and place, it took me sometime to come back to reality. I touched your eyes and held the picture to my chest, it seemed like forever had passed since I had held you last. Your smile I will miss the most, the way it lit up my day and my life. Every time I saw you smiling, I thanked God with all my heart for blessing me with you. Alas, the lord had bigger plans and neither you nor I can make sense of them. I will not ask you why you are leaving, I am just hoping it was important enough for you to let go of me. I am also hoping I was as important for you as you are for me. I wish you luck and I wish you joy. I know no one can love you like I can because no one sees what I see in you. But I wish that when someone does loves you, they realize what they have gained and what you are truly worth. I know because I have lost you. But I will not upset myself and I will not cry. I have the strength and courage to face life without you. I am content just with the thought that somewhere under this vast expanse of blue, you are alive, smiling, happy and beautiful. Ironically I am also an eternal romantic and I believe my love will not wither with time, it will return some day, maybe in some new form, a new name or a renewed promise. So fly away my love, let not a single chain of condition bind you to me, someday maybe you miss the warmth of my heart and the perfume of my love guides you back.

Come here my love, lie down beside me
let me look at you one final time,
let me sing you one final rhyme,
these moments might be your final with me,
so breathe into my lungs and fill yourself in me,
let me love you and let you love me,
then I can let you go and you can let me be...

Monday, December 3, 2007

Justice Denied...

I don't understand...Where's the justice in it all...
What's the point of childhood...when you cant be a child...
The road is long and the seat is agonizing...but they'll still tell you to enjoy the ride...
What's the point of wishing on a star...when your wish will never come true...
What's the point of this rainbow...when all you see is blue...
What's the point of cheering for the underdog...when you are told Life is never fair...
What's the point of a God...when your faith is naked and bare...
Whats the point of religion...when you don't believe the holy sermons you say...
What's the point of planning for the future...when you don't know if you will survive the day...
What's the point of missing...when you know they are not missing you...
What's the point of forgiving...when they will inevitably be unfaithful to you...
What's the point of standing here and waiting...when you know she is never going to come...
What's the point of writing these letters...when your words will one day go numb...
What's the point of breaking someone's heart...when you know yours is just as easy to break...
What's the point of judging someone...when you know you are just as fake...
Why do you compel yourself to remember...when it will hurt even more to forget...
Why do you have to let go...what you struggled so hard to get...
What's the point of loving her...when you don't even know her name...
What's the point of will move on and everything will be the same...
What's the point of expressing your love...when you don't have the courage to live it...
What's the point of these words in blood...when you don't have the heart to say it...
What's the point of meeting me...each time you wear a new disguise...
What's the point of singing this song...when you will never hear my heart's lonely reprise...

Friday, November 23, 2007

A Memorable Vacation

Growing up, the word vacation meant coming back to India during the summers. Sadly, I can’t recall anything memorable about any of my vacations. Most of the summer would be spent in my ancestral home “Amroha” socializing with my relatives and family friends. I found this exercise rather futile because I forgot each one of them as soon as we left.

But now that I think of it, there was one such vacation where I did something that I still remember. I was 10 years old, I think, and we had rented out one of the floors in our “haveli” to a family of seven. Over the summer, I grew fond of them, especially their youngest daughter who they all called “Munni.” I never realized how quickly time passed that summer. When it was finally time to leave, I felt a deep sense of grief. My final conversation with Munni revolved around the time we spent together and if the family would still be there when we returned next time. Before leaving she mentioned how she and her sister would not be able to go to school, as they didn’t have money to buy books and pay the fees. To this day I still feel guilty for what I did that day, I somehow managed to steal 500 rupees from my mother’s vanity case and gave it to Munni. I really don’t know how much that money helped them, but I felt a bad deed if done for a good cause, was not so bad!

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Standing on the Edge..

Standing here on this cliff, away from life's nuances and ambiguity, I feel free. Like a bird thats been trapped in a cage suddenly finds an opportunity to escape, and grabs it with both hands. There is no other place that makes me feel so powerful and so fragile, both at the same time. The feeling is so unexplored, like a child examining a broken piece of glass, it feels the joy and power of finding something fascinating and when it cuts itself, realizes the glass is more fatal and powerful than it perceived. But its good because there is something different about today.

The cool breeze is blowing into me, caressing my body, playing with my hair and filling my lungs with life and vitality. As I look down I can see the waves lashing at the rocky shore below. Today the ocean seems to be subtler in its reprimand of the shore. I remember coming here a long night ago, the dizziness of my experience still fresh on my mind. I was a different person then, weaker, afraid and vulnerable. The ocean was more violent then or maybe my perception was clouded by my psychological state of mind. I had climbed up because I had this sudden urge to jump down. Maybe I wanted to feel alive and free because I clearly remember that at the time, I felt as alive as a zombie. I had been alone and my heart had been broken. I missed her and I wanted her to come back. I cried till I could not cry anymore.I could taste the salty residue of my tears and feel my saturated skin stretching under the saltiness. I was afraid of the coming day, the morning sun and the sounds of birds chirping away to welcome it. I wanted the night to last longer, maybe never to end. I wanted the pain to consume me so that I could tell myself that I had not been a coward and that I hadn't given up. I wanted life to give up on me. I walked to the edge and stood there thinking to myself, what I had done wrong or what I had done to deserve this apathy. There were very few chances that I would survive the fall, if the rocks wouldn't get me, the waves definitely would. I rejected the idea, the thought of living seemed a little more cozier than before. I realized that if I got through this night, a new day would come eventually. It maybe not be perfect, but then nothing in life really was.

The night sky seemed darker than ever and I knew it was too dark to climb back down. I had to get through the night, I told myself to just hold on. The morning that I had been despising would become the seed of my new beginning. But I needed to get through this night, somehow, anyhow I needed to survive. I was alone, it was cold and I had nothing to hold on to, nothing to comfort me and nothing to keep me warm. I began to crouch myself together, holding tighter as the dormant minutes passed by. I ended up lying there like a baby thrown out of its womb, how I longed for the warmth of a mother's belly. The wind was mercilessly cold and it would only get colder as the night went on. I needed something to keep me warm and it had to come from within me. I could only think of two things that could get me through this night, god's mercy and the warmth of her love.

Apart from a lot of things, the night made me realize the true meaning and strength of love. It didn't matter if she loved me or wanted me, I loved her and I wanted her. The thought itself made me feel a bit warmer. If I loved her only because she loved me, that would mean my love had been selfish and shallow. It didn't feel that way, inside me, my heart still burned for her like the first day I had fallen in love with her. Somehow I knew thats how it would remain, I just knew it. No matter where I was and who I was with, my love for her would stand the test of time. I had always loved her but at this moment I didn't need for her to love me back. My love had actually become selfless, maybe I too had become selfless. At that moment of self realization, I stopped shivering, the warmth inside me flowed out and filled the world around me. God's mercy had been the rope I needed to hold on to and her love had given me the will to climb back up.

The minutes didn't seem that long anymore, time was at my mercy now. I was not waiting for the day to be born, the day was waiting for me with open arms. Finally when it showered down in all its crimson brilliance, I knew I had the strength to fight away a million such nights, never again would I give in and give up. A smile crept to my face and I was happy at what I had achieved, how ever little and insignificant it may have been.

I walked to the edge of the cliff again. I looked down and I was not afraid. The fear that had gripped me the night before had evaporated with the coming of the new sun. I didn't take the leap of the cliff, but the morning breeze carried my spirit with it and I was not afraid of the uncertainty, of pain, of fear itself. My lord was inside me and I had just learned how to love. Enough milestones for a day. As for life, it would take care of itself...

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

the lonely wanderer...

A lonely road and a lonely stroll,
a lonely thought of a lonely soul,
up a lonely hill and down a lonely slope,
over the lonely desert and around the lonely grove,
a lonely river and a lonely boat,
a lonely suitor and his lonely hope,
a lonely sunrise and a lonely moon,
a lonely lamp in a lonely room,
on a lonely paper some lonely words,
some lonely memories some lonely woes,
a lonely tear and a lonely smile,
this lonely road and so many lonely miles...

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

I Wonder...

I heard a saying when I was growing up that the people who seem to be the happiest or who provoke smirks and laughter from the people around them are sometimes the ones who go through the most turbulent relationship with pain imaginable.

Their pain is something they live with , forget and remember again like a re-occurring dream, pain may seem similar to this for all of us, but for them its more profound. Their pain is imprisoned in the crimson walls of their heart, silent to the world and even themselves on most occasions. There is so much more to them than meets the eye. In the deep trenches of their heart they hide this pain, it might be something or someone or just some distant memory preserved in its near virgin state. It has left an indelible scar on their lives and even "Time" has decided to turn a blind eye and leave that memory undisturbed.

I wonder if she is that kind of person. Is that what's hidden behind that brimming smile? I wonder how much of her is actually evident to the world around her and how much of herself she chooses not to advertise? I wonder who she is when she sheds her image, peals of her fabricated self and wears her uninhibited skin? I wonder what thoughts run through her mind when she wonders how long she can keep this act up? I wonder how she feels when she stands in front of the mirror and looks into her own eyes? I wonder if she sees an irony or herself? I wonder how she feels when she realizes that people love her so much for what they think she is that maybe, no one might take the trouble to know the person behind the name? I wonder if she feels lonely sometimes or wishes there was someone or something that could fill the void? I wonder if she curls up and hugs her pillow when she sleeps, in an effort to calm her throbbing heart? I wonder if her audacious ego allows her to ever confess that she needs anyone at all?

Sometimes the laughter seems too good to be true, she hides herself so well in her boisterous, brassy personality. I wonder what is it that she hides? I wonder why she has decided to be the way she is? I wonder if she ever cries or allows herself to cry at all? I wonder what she fears more, the world around her or herself? I wonder if she craves attention more or love? I wonder if she would trust anyone enough, to ever show them her true naked self? I wonder if she has forgotten how she used to be and what it was like when life was more simpler and innocent?

Maybe my thoughts, perceptions and presumptions may all be wrong and fictitious. Maybe this damn mind of mine can't decide if it likes her more for the illusion she is or dislikes her for her pretentiousness. Could it be that all that she does and all that she enacts, is true. There must be a flaw, there must be a story...I wonder what that story is or if there even is one?

A very famous funny man by the name of Charlie Chaplin once said, "I cry in the rain, so that no one will see my tears." I wonder if I will find her someday surrendering to the raindrops...

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

...find me again...

I know no words will bring you back,
but I still hope you find me again,
I know I cant turn back the clock,
I hope your memories help you find me again,
I know that I will miss you each day that I breathe,
I hope you will miss me enough to find me again,
I know our gods have different names,
I hope their doctrine helps you find me again,
I know the distance between us may only grow greater,
I hope the loneliness will help you find me again,
I know you may not love me like before,
I hope my love helps you find me again,
I know I hope against hope,
I hope this resilience helps you find me again,

And if we are never meant to be is destiny's song ,
Search your heart and prove destiny wrong,
All the loneliness and doubts will wither,
the distance wont seem that long,
and you'll find all this time, I had been there all along...

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Perfect Strangers

Sitting across the coffee table to her, i wondered how long had it been since i had seen her last, how long since I had heard the melody of her voice, how long since I had felt the delicate embrace of her had been a long time...this moment of suspended nostalgia made my blood flow with the intensity of a ripe young river ripping through the brittle, dry earth to reach the ocean and fertilizing everything in its path.

We sat across each other...both wondering what to say...words had come so easy a long time ago but now there seemed to be a drought...just some affirmative smiles and reassuring glances...maybe to show that somewhere there were feelings resting inside and that they meant something even after all this time.

...had it been a few moments of silence or maybe a was finally broken...i had taken the initiative this time...just like before...the usual questions came around...the ones you ask someone when you don't really know what you should be talking about or if you need to be talking at all...

...How are you...
..............I am about you?...
..I am tell me? is the family?....
...they are good...

Now that the formalities were over, i wondered why we had met at all, there was nothing that we needed to know about each other and there was nothing we needed to say to each other...but we had still this uptown coffee house...just so that no one we knew could find us together...why spoil a good moment...especially when its gonna last only for a while...I agreed...

I missed you...she said...

...I did too...more than words will ever describe...I said u wanted to study further, did you...I asked, never could make up my mind, and then got lost in the complexities of daily life...she replied

...I heard that you were given an award this year, I was so happy, you kept all your promises, felt so proud of you...she said

...I said that I would, I kept my promises, but it would have been more fulfilling if you had stuck around for the journey...i said

...well i cant go into the past and rectify my mistakes, i know it may not make a difference now but I wish I had stuck around as well...she said

...its good to see you after such a long time...i said

...its always good to see you, there hasn't been a day since we parted that I haven't thought about you in one way or the other and missed you but then you learn to live...she said learned quite early in your life, how to live!...I said has taught me a lot, very soon, sometimes not in very pleasant ways...she said

Do you think we will be meeting again...i asked with hope

Do you think we should meet again??...would you want to meet me again??..she quizzed

i just looked at her...the coffee had extinguished any chances of an engaging conversation...and I escaped answering the question...we sipped till the cups were empty and all that lay in their basin was the froth...

there was that silence again...what was left to be asked or answered...she didn't pursue her earlier question...maybe she realized i had anticipated a NO...

you have become even more handsome than you were before...she said

her response surprised i wasn't prepared for flatter me...I stammered

and you are even more beautiful than i remember you last...i said you I am always beautiful, I know I always will be, you will always remain a fool...she replied

Have you finally decided to get know its about time you should..she questioned

I will..soon...was my prompt reply

I will definitely come to your wedding..she said

I couldn't think of a wedding without you...was my cheeky reply

you are crazy...she said

I am...I agreed

the rest of the time...we just smiled at each other or asked some silly questions...but looking at each other must have given us the most amount of proved one thing...words may change in time..but feelings remain the same...fresh and beautiful...

...and then it was time to so many times before, we would take our separate paths...

before leaving she asks me...what gives you the strength to go on despite the fact that I am not with you and your love for me is still resilient after all this years..??

I am not alone...if you have an answer to the question...consider mine to be the same...but to put it simply...I don't expect, i simply love...piously...unconditionally...i reply

you are crazy, take care of yourself, i love you and I always will..she says

I love you too... i reply

I know...she smiles back...and disappears into the crowd... has made us such perfect strangers...i think and smile to myself...

Tuesday, June 5, 2007


Strolling by the beach that idle sunday evening...I felt a sense of hollowness feet were squeezing the sand beneath and the sand seemed to embrace them...I felt the sand kept a part of me with itself everytime I left an impression...maybe to remind me where I came from...and where I would eventually end bring me back to reality...seems like a crazy analogy...dont even know if i could call it that...funny how something so ghoulish could be so brought a smile to my face nonetheless...

I turned back to see the trail of footprints I had left behind...what if...nah...I banished the thought from my mind and moved came back...but what if...hmmm...what if each of those footprints stood for some memory or milestone...what would all those prints denote...where would I start...lets start somewhere...perhaps some introspection will help...

...the day I was born and my dad gifted my mom a pressure cooker, a luxury at that time, especially with the resources they had...the first time I tripped over and fell in an effort to walk...the second time I tripped and hit my mouth to a pillar of our bed, bleeded profusely, sent my parents into a tizzy...the day i got lost in the city of mumbai, at age 3, spent the day with a nice policeman before my distressed father was contacted and I was taken home, they thought they had lost their first born but i thought it was rather fun, ironical i know...the day I decided that the girl down the lane was the one I wanted to marry, quite decisive at 7...when I understood what jealously was and cried like a cub...the first time I stole 500 rupees from my mother's purse so that our tenant's daughters could buy some books for school...the day I cried and howled coz my parents were taking me away
from my grandmother, it took a long time to forgive them...the night my dad disciplined me, I looked at that bruise all night long thinking to myself, had I done something so heinous to deserve it...the time I fell in love with Betty, i
wondered what Archie saw in Veronica anyways...the moment I ran away from home, free like a bird, like I had been trapped in foresome prison for so long...the disappointment I felt when I was brought back home...the tears trailing down my mother's cheeks when she hugged me that day, the first time I felt there was something real between us, not just a social bond...the joy my father felt when he found out I had passed my High School Board exams with distinction...the dejection he felt when I failed in my Senior year...the first time I felt I had the strength to fight the odds stacked against me...also the same time I realised that nothing in life would come easy to me, I would have to sweat blood to achieve my aims, but I would achieve them, even if I died trying... many more thoughts came to my an instant flashback...reminded me of the last lines that Kevin Spacey spoke in American Beauty...funny how things unrelated can feel so relative...the thoughts and memories kept pouring in...the day I fell in love for the first time, the dress she wore, the way her lips moved, the feeling it left inside me,like summer rain and I was happy to be soaked in the moment...the dampness would remain forever, i knew...the day her father took her away from me...the day I retaliated and went to meet her...the journeys i made to the middle of the desert, just to catch a glimpse of her smile...the pain and sacrifice of each moment of partition and the euphoric joy of being together...the night I saw her one final time...that last phonecall to say that final goodbye...the days and nights didnt matter after that...but the strength inside me refused to die...the girl I kissed on new years eve...the other, whose heart I broke unforgivingly...the one I let go when nothing could be...the one I tried to convince to stand by me...when I wanted something it never happened...and when I least expected...It came and stood next to it had been there all along...

...funny...there were just so many heart would i closed my ears and screamed out loud...the sound of the waves hushed my cries...they brought me back to the beach, the sea and the sand...why was life like this??...would no one tell me the answer...the emptiness inside would consume me...and then after the adrenalin rush of that mind calmed down, it had a similar influence on my body...I felt relaxed...take me away from here I told myself...if only I could start all over again...

...i picked up myself again...some more memories...i turned back to see those memories...but this time...the foot prints behind me had gone...what did it mean...I looked up the sky, the stars and the moon...I hadnt noticed the lighthouse on the distressed ships the hope of finding the coast...maybe I just needed to find the lighthouse...I could start life all over again..the footprints were gone, washed away...i felt sedated and was not the was only the beginning...

Tuesday, February 27, 2007


As my life flashes before my eyes
I construe the memories, the truths and the lies
I feel exalted at times and in others demeaned
The pain lasted longer than it seemed
My journey from innocence to subversion
A loyal soldier coerced to treason
Everything seems chosen, from hour to season
But I'm still searching for the reason

I see myself from cradle to grave
A rotting soul no one would save
Labouring to speak when I had been mute
Muffling the words as I overfill the flute
Reliving those moments I had dreaded so much
Trying to grab those that mattered as such

The hands I reached for, that were never there
The ones that caught those innocent tears
The friends who vowed to stay together
The ones I promised and failed to remember
The girls who loved me, I never did see
The one I loved, didnt see me

The rain pours down as the skies cry
I close my eyes, my futile effort to keep dry
The world twisting and turning in pain
I slam the windows, my selfish crusade to keep sane
I question in moments of deep introspection
Can I change this world with sheer determination?
Like most things in life, the answer deceives
Am I part of the cure or part of the disease

A blade of grass breaks the barren soil
The wounded ant finds the strength to toil
An abandoned baby finds his mother in a queen
A messiah spilts the Iteru in between
The masses go wild and I stand tall
The day they break that wretched communist wall
Everything seems chosen, from hour to season
But I'm still searching for the reason

All this fear and all this pain
So much to loose and so little to gain
A web of hatred has trapped mankind
The skies cry blood, the earth embraces the dying
The mocking crowd takes a redskin to task
Condemns the man with the Holy Mask

When will this haze of deceit pass us by?
When can I see the clear blue sky
So many questions oscillating in my head
Cant sense if I am living or dead
How far do I walk before my feet surrender?
How long must I swim before I too go under?
How many days before I can eat?
How many nights before I can finally sleep?
How many wars before there is peace?
How many locks that have no keys?

Walk till your soul finds salvation
Swim till you achieve emancipation
Eat when your neighbour has had his fill
Sleep when you break life's monotonous drill
Wage the war on greed to find peace
Then all the locks will open with ease
Everything seems chosen, from hour to season
I think Hope is the only reason

Friday, February 16, 2007

Ray Of Light...

There used to be a time when everyday was a struggle. My life was never really in my hands, its like using an escalator, you know where you are going but u cant really control anything else, the ground beneath my feet decided where I wanted to go and what I wanted to do. More importantly, I didnt believe in myself enough to even try and break this wearisome constancy. I was afraid of breaking away from this subdued aliveness that was Life. But somewhere and for a few moments I remember being happy...always wished it would last longer...but it never did...the harder i tried to hold it tight...the more easily it slipped, like sand, between my fingers...I wish I would be born someone else...something else...I sound like an escapologist I know...but thats what happens when you find thorns rather than the roses...when will this overcast sky that I can see life once again...and escape these walls...

...and one day it happened...a ray of light broke through the benighted touched my face...and I opened my eyes for the first was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen...through the tears...the sight of a watery sunrise...the one time dampness didnt bring a dingy brought brought brought dissolved the darkness...and the sun shone down on me...warm and delicate...with all its illuminating brilliance...the walls were finally broken and never again would I let them rebuild was much too beautiful...I am sure you will agree...that ray of light was my saving grace...I thank it with all my heart...I hope it can hear me...

Saturday, January 6, 2007

Erratic Liaisons!!

We enter this world innocent, scrupulous and we grow, the social commitments of this world take over...we begin moulding ourselves into a variety of social incarnations - brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers etc. But the one relationship that is most sought and satisfying has to be friendship, not just because it usually takes place between two strangers but because it is sometimes the antithesis of everything else around us, something that helps us break free from the sophistications of civil society and lets us just be...removes our political comouflage and liberates us of all pomp and title - this ofcourse under the condition that the friendship is immaculate and not another societal parody...then surely we all realise that a friend is all we really need, love is volatile...friendship on the other hand is perpetual!! Thats what I have got from her...without expecting I got her "FRIENDSHIP" and without giving I got her "LOVE"...

..i promised myself that this time I would not let my desires get the better of me, this time I would play the game right, I would not let this relationship fail...fall...not let it drop into obscurity...I want to hold on to this one for life...but how much I feel at this moment that I have failed again...failed before I could even begin...I have let sensuality creep into this holy pact and I am burning in its guilt. How weak I am...this one time, just this once, why could I not be unprejudiced and this battle between the mind and heart...I have become the malefactor!!...once again...I am proudly poised to loose loose her...

I knew I should have stopped...when my heart began to relish in the warmth of her touch...when a stolen glance would make my heart race...when I began to smile for no apparent reason...when looking into her eyes seemed like a heavenly pleasure...why didnt I stop then...why couldnt I stop then...???

I wanted her friendship...and I got her love...I wanted her companionship...and I got her commitment...that was how she expect less and she gives you so much more. I feel so selfish and tiny in front of her...I am sure that in time...the guilt of it all will kill me. I am perplexed...not because I dont feel the same for her but because I am afraid that fate will take her away from me...snatch away even this strand of hope and happiness I have left. Fate keeps setting tasks for me like it does for us all...the difference being, I keep falling into its preys on me and waits a knows I will inevitably fall...I am a slave to temptation and one way or the other...I will succumb...I will be entrapped...and it enjoys its supremacy over me. But I am adamant...I will not go down without a fight...even if I have to sink with my ship...I will...but I will revolt till my final breath...its the least I can do for her...she deserves much more...I know...but sadly thats all I can give her.

I fear now that I have done too much damage already...the worst part of it all is...I can't stop...I want to be with hold her embrace just sit with her and enjoy the calmness and peace it brings to my heart. I am selfish I know...all I wanted was her I have so much more...did I ask for too much...did I allow her to be deceived...for a relationship that should have lasted the distance...the end maybe this the beginning of the end...or does fate have something else instore for me...whatever it may be I have decided to fight each day...I will not falter this time...and even if I do fail...I know one thing...I may loose her friendship...but I will never loose her trust!!