Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Wherever You Are

It's in every waking dream and in my every sigh,
in the soft tickle on my finger tips, in every goodbye,

in the genial warmth of the morning sun,
in the ferocious gusting of the storm,

in every half spoken word and every half uttered thought,
in every goofy smile and in every carefree laugh,

it's in the hope that rises after every failure,
it's in the strength I find in every humbling defeat,

in the ecstasy of every laborious victory,
in the assurance of every milestone achieved,

in every prayer that I utter before I go to bed,
in every wish I pronounce silently in my head,

in the silence of every lonely night,
in the cacophony of the maddening light,

in the anguish of every abandoned tear,
in the affection of every touch that's near,

in the beauty of every blooming spring,
in the pensiveness that every frost brings,

in the innocence of every baby born,
in the serenity of every departed soul,

in every antidote that time rubs into my scars,
in every beat of my fervid heart,

the only thing I remember,
no matter how much I try to forget,

Love is wherever you are,
and you are everywhere.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

A Thousand Years

Can I say that I could live,
a thousand years without seeing your face,
yet every living moment my soul,
your resonating life, it would chase,

I know I tried so hard to fill,
the emptiness from our demise,
and as my dreams were poached I realized,
the nuptial rings were never our size,

I'd like to think that I could be,
complete without your presence here,
yet every starry night my eyes,
hope to find your shadow near,

I wanted so much to become,
the one you thought I always was,
a thousand years I must now repent,
a thousand years' worth of flaws.

(Picture Credited to: David Richler

Friday, October 7, 2011

Rising Tide

I'm a worried man caught in the rising tide,
empty silence lies ahead of me, darkness behind,
as I float purposeless with long heaving sighs,
all I recall are those benign hazel eyes,

Hope is a strange vessel sailing the lonely sea,
gives you what you need, but not what you seek,
it's an irony then, what life predicts for me,
to find happiness in places, I never thought it would be,

She's sitting across to me with mirrors in her eyes,
trying to sell me the past, re-live my lies,
but I'm dressed in my best and her appeal has died,
I'm taking the last train, to hell with goodbyes,

I'm a buccaneer on the oceans of despair,
I'll steal your heart when I so choose and care,
to you it may seem unpleasant, unfair,
but I'm the one who sat all night, talking to an empty chair,

Lots of water under the bridge, memories to forsake,
you can't count on me to change my ways,
don't build dreams from memories, where you have lost your stake,
coz I'm not as eager as I once was, to make a mistake.

(Image courtesy: My Studios)

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

The Pilgrim

"You know I’ve heard about people like me, 
But I never made the connection. 
They walk one road to set them free,
And find they’ve gone the wrong direction.

But there’s no need for turning back, 
cause all roads lead to where I stand. 
And I believe I’ll walk them all, 
No matter what I may have planned."

My feet felt like they weighed twice my body weight and Mother Earth thought it an opportune time to show me how relativity applies to gravity as much as it does to time. My feet could give way any moment. They were scathed and worn. I had lost one of my shoes crossing the frigid waters of the stream a few miles back. The water apart from being numbingly cold, was more boisterous than I had initially anticipated. Not surprising that when it decided it wanted my shoe, it took it rather rudely. I managed to keep the other one somehow and drew some pride from my small victory. It was short-lived as I threw the other shoe away a while later. The stream had eventually won, that cunning creature! It also seemed silly and somewhat annoying to walk with one shoe on. If I looked like a hobo, the least I could do was play the part.

The sun was just receding into the horizon and as I looked at the rusty sky I knew I needed to set myself down before I collapsed from exhaustion. After walking for what seemed like half a mile, I found what looked like an old shack, must have been unused for years, there were only two and a half walls still standing and no roof to speak of, like it had collapsed or burnt down. It seemed just right, I would be able to see the stars, I liked the comfort of them watching over me, the watchmen of the gods.

As I let my will loosen it's grip on my body, the languidness of my physical condition took over and I fell to the ground like a sack of potatoes, with a very literal plop sound. Only when I hit the ground and lay there for a minute or so did I realize just how tired I really was. To move a finger felt like I was moving a mountain. The submissiveness was liberating, another journey had ended and tomorrow another would begin.

As I walked from village to town to city, from green fields to concrete jungles, from wood and leaves to bricks and mortar, from sea shores to canyons, from plains and plateaus to the sands of the desert, every one I met had the same question - Where are you going traveler? I gave them all the same answer - "To this moment". They always had a bewildered look on their faces, they seemed to think I was playing a riddle or pulling their leg, humoring them or just being rude. I was just being honest.

I was not going anywhere, I was already where I needed to be, the song has already been written, I am simply playing to the tune. There is no place I need to get to, there is no place I have set my mind on reaching. I don't remember when I started walking and I don't know when I will stop. I only hunger for experience, knowledge, stories, incidents about people, their lands, their dreams, their wishes, their pain and their joys, their plans and their rituals. Each encounter has left me richer and each road I have taken has left me wiser. I don't worry about the roads I have missed. I am sure that no matter which road I had taken, it would have led me to where I stand now. I am grateful for the times I have been lucky to escape disease and I have looked death in the face and smiled back. Some call me a hermit, some call me a witch doctor, a thief, other say I am a messiah, a prophet, a deity. Some love me, and give me a place to stay and food to eat, clothes and shoes to replace my old ones. Others shun me, throw stones, and begin reciting words from scriptures as I knock on their doors. To some I am a brother and to others an outlaw. I am eternally obliged and indebted to the ones who were kind to me, and feel no angst or hatred towards the ones who were not as thoughtful. It is instinctive for people to be afraid of anything or anyone they cannot understand and whose purpose they cannot comprehend. I have made my mistakes, I have gone down the wrong roads and I have paid my price more than people will believe. My virtues have been tested and I have failed many times. I have walked with shackles around my feet and have had nails punctured through my palms, tasted my own blood and the blood of my fellow man. I have saved many a life but taken far more. My life is a blessing, and like all things that hold value, it has not come without a price. My gift is my savior but it is also my curse, one albeit I am glad to live with.

As these thoughts trailed through my mind faster than the blood rushing to my head, I broke out of my vegetative state. I could still not gather the courage to move. I had let my thoughts drift away with the evening breeze like floating seeds. Maybe they would germinate in some other minds and they too would seek out their destiny and answer their calling. Using my shoulders and elbows as support, I turned my body around so I could look at the sky. As I did, I looked in awe at the pristine view, it was exhilarating and no matter how many times I had seen it before, it still took my breath away and for a moment I was a child again looking in wonder at the heavens above. Celestial Lamps lit up in the sky and all of them looked back at me, some recording my thoughts and some planning my fate, but all of them summoned as if to my service and to aid in my comfort and pleasure. No matter where I went, they were the only constant in my existence, they were my only family.

As the night placed a warm blanket of self belief over me, I thought of where tomorrow would take me, where I would sleep, who I would meet and what I would learn. However, I had become certain of one thing, this journey would not have an end, only pauses, I was a pilgrim and as long as I kept walking, my destiny was only as distant as my next step.

(Opening stanza credited to the song - Crossroads by Don McLean)
(Image credited to Sgrazied)

Monday, September 12, 2011


I know these are just our first few steps,
but my feelings for you, I can't measure their depth,
your love sneaked into me, and my heart it leapt,
I think I dreamed you into life as I slept,

Where this road will lead me I can only suspect,
where ever it may be, I will never regret,
finding you has been my life's eternal quest,
perhaps retribution for all my tears unwept,

As I move down this winding road,
I am not afraid and I am not perturbed,
all I need is you to be by my side,
No road is too long and no mountain too high,

I can't remember the last time I felt so strong,
and as my love grows, this wait seems so long,
I try to find the perfect word, the perfect line, the perfect song,
even when the words are right, somehow the tune's all wrong,

Still these words spill out of me,
sometimes in prayer, sometimes in symphony,
and if we are damned to be forsaken in the pages of destiny,
each dream would still have been worth its penalty,

And as I take each step, I know I'm closer than before,
I've stumbled, I've fallen, I've been abandoned and forlorn,
my spirit will not relent, till you're mine once more,
but until then as always, I will walk alone.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011


Tipper Tapper the raindrops sing,
an earthly croon, an elvish hymn,

Outside my window, against the glass pane,
slipping, sliding, invisible stains,

I stretch my hand out as if to catch a tune or two,
so I can write her a song, wipe away the blue,

As the drops make silent puddles on my arid palm,
eyes shut I dream, silence the storm,

I dare not open them, for the wonder I see,
the morning sun bathed in her serenity,

She's Venus personified, I bow to her command,
as she hands me the keys to wonderland,

I open my eyes, the dream has broken free,
she's so close yet so far away from me.

(Photo attributed to Arman Zhenikeyev

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Happy Birthday!

[I wrote this last month to mark my birthday, I hit the dreaded thirty :P but age as they say is just a number, which is just affirmative crap! Here's the truth people, we are all getting older! :O ohh..the horror! Jokes aside, hope it doesn't sounds like I'm gloating through the poem, felt it conveyed some message, so thought I would share, your comments are most welcome :)]

Another year passes by,
another year in the blink of an eye,
bring out the cake and the pie,
its time for 29 to say goodbye,

Lessons have been learned along the way,
some demons have also been put away,
I'm hoping this time I will not stray,
the sun is shining, time to make some hay,

A hope long relinquished has come to fore,
I'm down on my knees and begging once more,
this final time, my knock on your door,
heed to my call, oh celestial soul,

Pump blood into my wings so I may fly,
not like Icarus, to eventually drown and die,
not like a naive, silly, overzealous boy,
but with the poise and gallantry of a real Mccoy,

Fill my heart with passion and courage once again,
for Love has beguiled me like a dose of coccaine,
with every whiff I go more insane,
it's so different this time and yet the same,

Gratitude for the tenacity you bestowed on my immortal soul,
and the will to keep going through every minute unconsoled,
despite the pain and failure I had to endure,
there was always faith at the end of the scroll,

It was not all gloom and dark and grey,
there was lots of laughter and lots to celebrate,
small milestones were attained, I know it sounds like a cliche,
but I wouldn't change a thing, if I had my way,

I am a product of every experience I have undergone,
despite my kinks and faults, still a proud black schwan,
as my destiny is revealed, I will cease to be a pawn,
from the chaos and carnage, like a sunrise I will spawn,

So one more year to put behind me is what they say,
the crowd they bustle and the horses neigh,
the conductor waves his baton and the music plays,
Oh! daunting 30, I'm on my way.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Morning Rain

Morning rain, the sky has wept,
the birds sheltered, the leaves are wet,
my eyes sore, I've hardly slept,
the same song keeps playing from that darn cassette,

Morning light, the sky is ripe,
the birds are chirping, in hunger, in fright,
im right beside you, just out of sight,
some dreams take off, some need more fight,

Morning breeze, the sky is fading,
the birds fly away, time for grazing,
the mind is awake, my eyes are sleeping,
you're the only dream worth dreaming,

Night is here and morning's gone,
the birds in their nests, as darkness is born,
seven minutes of a moment, is where I truly belong,
the clown dries his tears, for the show must go on.

Friday, September 2, 2011


It floats to me like a cloud of light,
in waves of amber, blue and white,

taps on my shoulder and pecks my brow,
a longing embrace, an endearing glow,

softly kisses me on cold moonlit nights,
wakes me up to music and candle lights,

visions and dreams it shows to me,
carries tremors from my heart to thee,

reminds me my mind is to blame,
and my heart is the only part of me that's sane,

paints ribbons of orangy red against the sunset sky,
says it may be impossible to win, but insists I still try,

says I'm a million miles away,
but assures me I will find a way,

blatantly leads me to your door,
like an unfinished tale from an ancient folklore,

I plead for its identity, says only time will break this suspense,
and now that I've found you, somehow it all makes sense.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

No Turning Back

I try to hide the fears now,
nurse them with hope,
Don't you test my will now,
my spirit's almost broke,
I was just about to drown now,
if not for your support,
why keep me alive now,
if not to hold me close,
I'm learning to breathe again now,
your life in every stroke,
There's no turning back now,
my ship has set its course.

Friday, March 4, 2011

My Experiments with Truth - My Limbic System!

I have been trying to post something new for the past few weeks and sadly none of my efforts have been worth posting. OK, I’ll be honest; I haven’t been making any effort at all! The thing is, writing for me is so much about the moment; and about the fluidity of my thoughts in that moment. Sometimes I can sit for months and nothing happens, my mind is devoid of ideas and everything I write seems to be forced. I know what you’re thinking, it’s called WRITERS BLOCK! It’s not the first time I’ve faced it, I go through exhaustive periods when I not only am starved for ideas or inspiration, but I completely lose the will or motivation to write. It feels like a chore, something I am imposing on myself and as far as I know myself, the moment that factors in, I just turn off and it takes me a long time to get myself active again.

Another thing I have noted in my writings over the years, most of them have been written when I’m on one or the other extreme of the emotion scale. Leaving a very few posts, most of my posts have been deep, intense, introspective and indulgent. I have hardly ever written when I am emotionally stable. I don’t find writing light, frothy posts easy. They just don’t come out the way they should. Whenever I try, I get frustrated and just give up. I think that is my most basic and fatal drawback as a writer. I have sub-consciously or semi-consciously stereo-typed my writing because on that stage, I find the words so forthcoming and sublime. On the other hand, when I have written something simple and frivolous, it has come out so bad, so atrocious and sub-standard that I have questioned if I can write in the first place!

I know, maybe I am over reacting and all writers go through this at some point in their lives. However, for me the journey is tougher because I am kind of a snob…ok…ok…a lazy procrastinating snob! Some things I believe as just below me and some things are not worth writing about (which is false, coz anything and everything is worth writing about, all that’s needed is a discerning eye). To add insult to injury, since I have lost my adolescent thirst for reading, I am very, very short on ideas and topics to write about, having to write about something that needs to be researched and analyzed, I just quit then and there. I don’t even pursue it, the few times that I have forced myself to; the results have been rather encouraging. One more thing, sharing my views on most things is not my modus operandi, I am usually the person who sits in the corner and listens intently. I don’t really have strong opinions, and I don’t like to force feed my philosophy to anyone, both traits in hindsight, I might have benefited from, maybe to a certain extent.

So you must be wondering, all of my thousands of followers…yes all 14 of you! :P Why this monologue? Why am I projectile vomiting my inhibitions and insecurities as a writer for all of you to read and maybe some of you to ridicule? Well it’s sort of my way to start a personal crusade to become a better writer. To write about things that I find interesting, but also to take interest in things that fall outside my palate, to break the shackles of my own mind, and to push myself, to shed my skin, to wake myself up and snap out of this complacent, self centered egotistical bubble that I am living in. It’s an honest attempt, one that I hope bears fruit. So over the course of the next few months, I will be trying my hand at writing about things and topics that I have not ventured till now, it is my honest endeavor to grow, both as a writer and a human being.

P.S. – All and any suggestions are welcome :)

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Alone with you

I look back down the years and wonder, how did we reach where we are today? I know things have never been simple for us, I know there have always been variables that have been beyond our control and circumstances that have mostly gone against us. I can even go to the length of saying that whatever could have gone wrong for us...has! But even in moments of utter chaos...even when everything around us was falling apart...when even hope seemed to be an impossible possibility...even then...the world that existed between you and me was one of unspoken devotion, unbridled love, a calm warm place that existed when we were together in any form. A safe place where we could escape to and find the will and resolve to keep going. I thought that would never change, no matter what happened and how far away we drifted. I always lived with the divine belief that no one could take away the one place in the world that truly belonged to me. Maybe my belief was a state of being in a prolonged drunken stupor. Now when this delusion has faded, I find myself distraught and alone in a way I have never felt before.

I know I cannot complain, and I cannot blame anyone for what I am experiencing, not even you. I know we all change with time, we all experience things that leave permanent scars on our life. My pain, anguish and struggle is mediocre when compared to what you have gone through. I still hold myself responsible for not being there, for not being able to share your burden or even to hold your hand. I can blame fate by saying that it was all part of the Lord's written word and I could have done nothing to prevent what happened, but the truth is that I had a choice, to stay or leave, I took the latter. I think that was the first moment in my life when I actually thought of us at two separate people, two distinct individuals, two disparate souls with their own destinies. Before that moment I never believed we would ever be apart. I never let the thought even crawl into my head. Now the realization that this alternate reality could even exist left me cold, callous and disillusioned. I don't think I have ever completely recovered. I know people can argue that I didn't really have a choice and you had taken your stand and I did the right  thing by setting you free. Maybe I did what was best for the both of us. I guess I took the best choice, but the best choice is not always the right one!

I may never be able to completely empathize with what you went through and how much it changed you. At one level, I think it's because I have never experienced the trauma and agony that comes from what you have lost, and on another level, because I no longer figure as a confidante, someone who you can turn to, someone who you believe will always catch you when you fall. No matter how much you say that is untrue, what my heart feels when I close my eyes, no amount of words or pretentiousness can ever prove wrong. I know you may not believe me, but I do understand. If you have lived in a prison, then I have been in the darkest most murkiest corners of it with you. I have taken every step and caught every tear that has trickled down you face. I may never be able to completely express to you what it feels like to see someone you love in pain, and not be able to help, to touch, to share...to abandon them almost...because life gives you no other choice.

I don't know how much of what you have gone through has changed you, and what bruises you carry with you. I will never know if you never let me in. Yet, I can see the change, I can feel the change. I remember a time when being in your embrace was the most intense, most exalted, most overwhelming feeling I had ever experienced. It became an addiction and I have never experienced such a moment of raw, unrestrained emotion with another living being. It was forbidden, maybe even sinful. Now as I lie next to you, I can see the body, I can touch the flesh, but I cannot feel the heart. I cannot find the soul. Maybe the girl I loved has been left behind somewhere. I just want you to know, that if you put your trust in me one last time, I will go back into the darkness, I will find her again and I will bring her back...I will bring you back! Because as far as I know, if you don't exist, neither do I and nothing else in the world matters. I don't want to live like this, even when you are by my side, I don't want to be alone...even when I am with you!