I have been trying to post something new for the past few weeks and sadly none of my efforts have been worth posting. OK, I’ll be honest; I haven’t been making any effort at all! The thing is, writing for me is so much about the moment; and about the fluidity of my thoughts in that moment. Sometimes I can sit for months and nothing happens, my mind is devoid of ideas and everything I write seems to be forced. I know what you’re thinking, it’s called WRITERS BLOCK! It’s not the first time I’ve faced it, I go through exhaustive periods when I not only am starved for ideas or inspiration, but I completely lose the will or motivation to write. It feels like a chore, something I am imposing on myself and as far as I know myself, the moment that factors in, I just turn off and it takes me a long time to get myself active again.
Another thing I have noted in my writings over the years, most of them have been written when I’m on one or the other extreme of the emotion scale. Leaving a very few posts, most of my posts have been deep, intense, introspective and indulgent. I have hardly ever written when I am emotionally stable. I don’t find writing light, frothy posts easy. They just don’t come out the way they should. Whenever I try, I get frustrated and just give up. I think that is my most basic and fatal drawback as a writer. I have sub-consciously or semi-consciously stereo-typed my writing because on that stage, I find the words so forthcoming and sublime. On the other hand, when I have written something simple and frivolous, it has come out so bad, so atrocious and sub-standard that I have questioned if I can write in the first place!
I know, maybe I am over reacting and all writers go through this at some point in their lives. However, for me the journey is tougher because I am kind of a snob…ok…ok…a lazy procrastinating snob! Some things I believe as just below me and some things are not worth writing about (which is false, coz anything and everything is worth writing about, all that’s needed is a discerning eye). To add insult to injury, since I have lost my adolescent thirst for reading, I am very, very short on ideas and topics to write about, having to write about something that needs to be researched and analyzed, I just quit then and there. I don’t even pursue it, the few times that I have forced myself to; the results have been rather encouraging. One more thing, sharing my views on most things is not my modus operandi, I am usually the person who sits in the corner and listens intently. I don’t really have strong opinions, and I don’t like to force feed my philosophy to anyone, both traits in hindsight, I might have benefited from, maybe to a certain extent.
So you must be wondering, all of my thousands of followers…yes all 14 of you! :P Why this monologue? Why am I projectile vomiting my inhibitions and insecurities as a writer for all of you to read and maybe some of you to ridicule? Well it’s sort of my way to start a personal crusade to become a better writer. To write about things that I find interesting, but also to take interest in things that fall outside my palate, to break the shackles of my own mind, and to push myself, to shed my skin, to wake myself up and snap out of this complacent, self centered egotistical bubble that I am living in. It’s an honest attempt, one that I hope bears fruit. So over the course of the next few months, I will be trying my hand at writing about things and topics that I have not ventured till now, it is my honest endeavor to grow, both as a writer and a human being.
P.S. – All and any suggestions are welcome :)