A Cup of Dissonance

What did I leave behind,
In the aftermath of our demise?,
The whistling of the rain,
Ginger-tea in the balcony,
The warmth of your breath on my back,
Those gut wrenching dove eyes,
Bloodshot full lips,
My love of your mind, my lust for your hips,
A chill down my spine,
Your sweet gentle kiss,
My insatiable desire,
Your perfectly timed quips,

The rain comes down now,
As copious as can be,
I can't seem to replicate,
that damned heavenly cup of tea.

Image courtesy - Ellie Hickey

The Edge

When the shackled words were finally free,
They sounded so much like tragedy,
For something beautiful had wilted and died,

Silence descended like the night,
Heavy and distinct,
Like a fortress built of things unsaid,

I never felt the drop,
As the ground beneath me surrendered,
Descending into the bottomless moat,
Nothing to collide with and break the fall,

Those words have etched their memory,
Like sleep wrinkles across my porcelain skin,
A memento,
Of what might have been,

You were the edge I slipped over,
The edge of reason,
The edge of hope,
The fortress that protects me no more.

My Home

Collecting pebbles from the forsaken shores,
of so many stories left untold,

to where I built my house of stone,
a humble place to call my own,

by some twist of fate or enchanted lure,
you found its inconspicuous door,

and walked in, forever to change,
this inscrutable fort into a home,

let the windows breathe life in,
intoxicated the air with the aroma of your skin,

lined each wall with an unforgettable memory,
Oh! what poisonous alchemy,

silence found a voice in its corridors,
the light surged in and cured my soul,

somewhere in its heart, you planted the seed,
of a love that fulfilled my greed,

in the comfort of your embrace it slowly grew,
into something that neither really knew,

but like all good things that come undone,
the battles were lost that should have been won,

and the shadows slowly crept back in,
all that was noble was now a sin,

now the house sits lonely, empty inside,
the stones echo, a laughter that's died,

but the will to strive is still alive,
nurtured by the life you left behind,

what was once a thing of beauty, now can't be seen,
but I hold it close, like you once held me,

I know your spirit will return in time,
for I can't lose, what's already mine,

I come back to these desolate shambles still,
the house holds a part of me within,

It's the one place I don't feel alone,
It's the only place I call my home.

Image courtesy - PhotoGraphik

Alone with you

I look back down the years and wonder, how did we reach where we are today? I know things have never been simple for us, I know there have always been variables that have been beyond our control and circumstances that have mostly gone against us. I can even go to the length of saying that whatever could have gone wrong for us...has! But even in moments of utter chaos...even when everything around us was falling apart...when even hope seemed to be an impossible possibility...even then...the world that existed between you and me was one of unspoken devotion, unbridled love, a calm warm place that existed when we were together in any form. A safe place where we could escape to and find the will and resolve to keep going. I thought that would never change, no matter what happened and how far away we drifted. I always lived with the divine belief that no one could take away the one place in the world that truly belonged to me. Maybe my belief was a state of being in a prolonged drunken stupor. Now when this delusion has faded, I find myself distraught and alone in a way I have never felt before.

I know I cannot complain, and I cannot blame anyone for what I am experiencing, not even you. I know we all change with time, we all experience things that leave permanent scars on our life. My pain, anguish and struggle is mediocre when compared to what you have gone through. I still hold myself responsible for not being there, for not being able to share your burden or even to hold your hand. I can blame fate by saying that it was all part of the Lord's written word and I could have done nothing to prevent what happened, but the truth is that I had a choice, to stay or leave, I took the latter. I think that was the first moment in my life when I actually thought of us at two separate people, two distinct individuals, two disparate souls with their own destinies. Before that moment I never believed we would ever be apart. I never let the thought even crawl into my head. Now the realization that this alternate reality could even exist left me cold, callous and disillusioned. I don't think I have ever completely recovered. I know people can argue that I didn't really have a choice and you had taken your stand and I did the right  thing by setting you free. Maybe I did what was best for the both of us. I guess I took the best choice, but the best choice is not always the right one!

I may never be able to completely empathize with what you went through and how much it changed you. At one level, I think it's because I have never experienced the trauma and agony that comes from what you have lost, and on another level, because I no longer figure as a confidante, someone who you can turn to, someone who you believe will always catch you when you fall. No matter how much you say that is untrue, what my heart feels when I close my eyes, no amount of words or pretentiousness can ever prove wrong. I know you may not believe me, but I do understand. If you have lived in a prison, then I have been in the darkest most murkiest corners of it with you. I have taken every step and caught every tear that has trickled down you face. I may never be able to completely express to you what it feels like to see someone you love in pain, and not be able to help, to touch, to share...to abandon them almost...because life gives you no other choice.

I don't know how much of what you have gone through has changed you, and what bruises you carry with you. I will never know if you never let me in. Yet, I can see the change, I can feel the change. I remember a time when being in your embrace was the most intense, most exalted, most overwhelming feeling I had ever experienced. It became an addiction and I have never experienced such a moment of raw, unrestrained emotion with another living being. It was forbidden, maybe even sinful. Now as I lie next to you, I can see the body, I can touch the flesh, but I cannot feel the heart. I cannot find the soul. Maybe the girl I loved has been left behind somewhere. I just want you to know, that if you put your trust in me one last time, I will go back into the darkness, I will find her again and I will bring her back...I will bring you back! Because as far as I know, if you don't exist, neither do I and nothing else in the world matters. I don't want to live like this, even when you are by my side, I don't want to be alone...even when I am with you!

Better Late than Never

All our young lives we search for someone to love, someone to make us complete. We choose partners and change partners. We dance to a song of heartbreak and hope, all the while wondering if somewhere, somehow, someone perfect is searching for us.
-The Wonder Years

There are thoughts that force me to do some soul searching, especially when the preoccuptations of the day have passed, when I am by myself, flirting with my thoughts, juggling them like circus balls in my mind. I wont say I am haunted by them all the time, but I know they are there, at the back of my mind, floating around, poking into my self, probing, asking me questions, getting no answers and then mocking me for my impuissance.

I am not troubled by most of these thoughts or questions, whether they are regarding my career, my accomplishments, my bank balance or my crappy middle class tin box on wheels. These are rather ephemeral in nature and I usually cast them aside or give myself a pep talk on being optimistic and how the night is darkest before dawn and blah...blah...blah...you get the picture. But one thought screws with my head relentlessly, it makes my mind feel like a block of wood going through an industrial circular saw blade. Why is this you ask? Well it's this reoccuring thought of finding or should I say the possibility of finding that oh so illusive soul mate, if anything like that exists at all.

For most people, this question is either normally answered by an affair that stuck or a teenage romance that matured as it hit adulthood or an arranged union organized and in some cases thrust upon them by their all knowing-supervising parents, with all due respect of course. But for the few unlucky ones like me, who are still searching and getting old in the process, this becomes an endless wait for a person whose number of qualifiers become inversely proportional to the time we have to wait to find them. Because as you see, the longer your clock keeps ticking and the more you have to wait, the more you are willing to compromise and drop some of your (spawned out of fantasy, dreadfully reminiscent of romantic movies or songs and idealistic) stipulations.

But the real problem is when you end up like me, unwilling to compromise and forever ready to believe that just like I am searching for someone, that someone, somewhere is searching for me. Not ready to accept someone unless I feel they are the one for me. I know it sounds delusional and impractical and borderline childish and people who know me would probably not believe that I even endorse such a viewpoint, and I don't...atleast most of the time I don't. I'm Working, keeping busy, meeting friends, wrestling with whatever life throws at me. But there are moments...of self doubt, when you have a bad day, when everything you do goes wrong, when the world around you seems to be falling apart, when you can't tell anybody else in the world the conflicts inside you...that's when you wish that there was someone who you could turn to, someone who would listen, the comfort of looking into their eyes, knowing that you are safe and nothing else but you matters to them. Even when you have a bad hair day or look like something a herd of cows left behind, they will think you look your adorable best. It's when the realization of not having anyone to break your fall dawns, that you begin to comprehend how alone you actually are. The feeling doesn't last for too long, but it lingers. And that lingering for how ever long it decides to stay, leaves you feeling a little hollow and a little more incomplete everytime.

Now I am not saying that everybody needs that someone to feel complete or fulfilled, you never know they might make your life more complicated and frivolous. But just by virtue of being there for you, they make a difference. Anyone who says they don't, is just lying to themselves. Even the toughest among us need support, some times more than they will let us know. In any case, it makes the world a lot less scarier place to live in...period!

So will my endless wait for that person end? I dont know!...no one can answer that question...maybe it will..it might as well happen tomorrow...or maybe I will have to wait a lot longer. Of all the things in my life I have no control over, this is something that I am in charge of, or atleast I live in the illusion that I am. And I will wait for as long as it takes. How will I know when I meet the one?...well I guess I will just have to trust my instincts and as far as I know myself...when the right one comes along...I will just know! I might make a few mistakes here and there...but find her I will. And when I do or better still...she finds me...I will ask her one pertinent question...

What the hell took you so long?!!

and I think I know what she will say..."I got here as fast I could!"