Confessions

I am stuck in a place, frozen in my mind,
where pain is habit, love a lost rhyme,
empty frames decorate its walls of lime,
enslaving my soul for an eternal crime,

I examine the walls of my prison cell,
names etched of those who rose and fell,
voices whispering, their own stories to tell,
I listen to them like a silent rebel,

A thorn welcomes my every step,
its pain inside me so secretly kept,
a scar for each promise I kept,
a smile for each tear unwept,

Love, hate, trust are just words to me,
their distinction no longer visible lucidly,
I'm no longer the custodian nor Knight to be,
I don't want to be heard, I just want to be free,

I am tired of forgiving and being strong,
It's a burden I can no longer carry alone,
I confess my sins and plead to thee,
send me to the gallows, set my soul free,

Don't shed a tear when they hang my head,
the curse, the agony finally comes to an end,
the journey over as the river reaches the bend,
and I sleep in tranquility, till the dead are un-dead.

An odd time for LOVE

Close to midnight and I am terribly tired even though I haven't done a thing all day...lying down on my bed as my head hits the pillow the thought of LOVE is on my mind. Why at this time you wonder?..well I am wondering the same thing. I don't know how I would put it...when I think of LOVE I remember that I was in LOVE at one time...ok not exactly...it's true that I was in LOVE but that doesn't mean I am not in LOVE now...and I also know that I will always be perpetually in LOVE. The apparent question that arises is...do I just keep falling in LOVE all the time with different people or am I in LOVE with one person. Well it's not as simple as that and yet it is not very complicated at the same time if you can catch the drift of what I want to say. So listen...or in this case read intently. I must admit I keep falling in LOVE all the time with the most beautiful of women...and yet I am in LOVE with one person. My idea or definition of LOVE is that one person and somehow I can find something of her in every woman I fall in LOVE with. It's because some of them remind me of the way she did her hair, some of them remind me of the way her lips parted and spread so symmetrically across her face when she smiled, some of them remind me of the way her skin glowed when the rays of the morning sun fell on her body, some of them remind me of the way she looked when she wore her fav blue jeans and pink snoopy t-shirt, some of them remind me of her gentle giggle when she knew that she had said something that I didn't find very amusing, some of them just remind me of her by saying something that she would have said or doing something that she would have done. The funny thing is that most of the time I don't even think about how she looked...it's just that the feeling of being in LOVE with her is just so overwhelming so almost orgasmic that I cant think of anything or anyone else in the whole universe at that moment of time.

I know this may all seem like some romantic delusion, but trust me it's real, coz I live it each and every day of my fucking, pointless, messed up life. The next question that arises is...Why don't I do something about it?...good question...hmmm....well I want to do something about it I really do. I have countless number of times picturised myself...running to my car and driving to her apartment...calling her down...looking into her eyes and asking her to give us one last chance...telling her how much she means to me...how she would be the only woman I ever loved...how she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen and how I would never be able to tell that to any other woman no matter how gorgeous or dazzling she might be and even if I said it I would never truly mean it!...how every time I cried after watching a mushy romantic movie, it would be because I missed her...how I would picturise her in every LOVE song I would ever hear...how I loved to hold her hand and kiss the tips of her fingers and then her knuckles and then her clasped hands in mine...how when I loved her I relished the way her soft porcelain skin felt to my brittle touch and how her perfume filled me with a feeling of mercifulness, like that of a sinner earning the right to enter paradise...how holding her to my body made me feel so complete like an orphan that had found his guardian angel...how I dreamt of her every night that I was away from her...how I missed the sweet soft feeling of her lips touching mine and melting into me...how I missed the way her head found the perfect spot on my shoulder and how her nose felt when I touched it with mine....I imagine myself wanting to tell her that and so much more...so many more feelings that I cannot give words to...but there is a reason why this act that I so vividly describe has never taken place...why I have never attempted it...it's because of a devastating fear...what if she turns me down...what if after spilling my heart to her she says that I am being immature and childish and impractical...what if she turns me down...if she does...I know I will die right at that moment...I would hate to realize that I am nothing more than a memory or a part of her life that she has accepted and left behind...at least now I have my romantic notions, my idealistic dreams and my hopeless hopes...then I will have nothing at all...no hopes...no dreams...no LOVE...just life like everyone else...

But I also wonder how awful and disturbing it would be if I had to sit down and decide the kind of girl I wanted to be with...I mean it would be the most exhausting, most draining exercise both at a mental and emotional level...and I don't believe in it...like dating...you have so many options that you always have a thought at the back of your mind that maybe you can do better...maybe there is someone better waiting for you out there...I don't know about anyone else but I think that way...and the physical aspects of the person become so important or magnified...no matter how hard one tries to overlook them...I guess it's maybe because there is so much cynicism around that one tends to become over cynical and the entire process of exploration turns into a fashion parade...it's this very thought that turns me off...I don't want to decide the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, by analyzing her from head to toe...I don't want to be deciding on a girl just by what she wears and how she carries herself or how sexy her legs look or how her lips resemble Angelina Jolie's or how she has a behind like Jennifer Lopez...I want to be able to look at a girl and fall completely and utterly in love with her...everything about her...coz then I will LOVE the person and not just her face...I will LOVE her soul and not just her body...I will LOVE her smile and not just her lips...and God in all this sinful life of mine if you had to believe one piece of truth that came out of my mouth...it would have to be that I loved her in that way and I always would...

So at this very odd time for LOVE...I wonder should I grab those keys and drive...or resign myself to the fate that has been bestowed to me...give in to my fears and resign to the design of destiny...life can change so quickly...in split moments everything can turn upside down and it has for me so many times. I heard this cheeky one liner that said...in great LOVE and great business lies great risk...I must say I am a maverick of sorts...always trying to do the impossible...maybe I should take this risk after all...I know that I may not be very alive right now but if I don't take that risk I might have to live the rest of my life impregnated with this gut wrenching, self depreciating, cruel question...what if I had run towards my car...driven to her apartment...and laid out my heart in front of her...and what if she agreed...well I could be the luckiest most happiest son of a gun that ever lived...and the very thought of it fills my heart with immense joy and courage...do I think it's worth the risk...hell yes!!...I would rather live the rest of my life in excruciating pain than in cowardice regret, I think to myself, as I reach for the keys...

A few drops of Insanity

Your voice in the dream was so real...felt like the first drops of rain on a barren, thirsty plateau. I closed my eyes and let myself be overwhelmed by the pleasure it brought. Like warm blood gushing out of slit wrists...letting the frustration, agony, resentment and anxiety finally find a tunnel to escape. How much I wanted to love you and tell you I did so...how much I wanted to push all the obstacles aside and hold your hand...tell you that nothing was worth living in the denial that we were not meant to be with each other. But I stopped...I didn't let the words flow out, my patience was being tested again and I could not give in.

I knew then what you needed and I know now what you need. But it will take more time for the sun to rise on your side of the world. Maybe it will take more time for the sun to set on mine. But till either happen, the dream will live on in its perpetual nature. Tit bits of memories, voices, desire, adoration, fascination, expectation and fantasy, all brewed together to savor a true imitation of the "Promised Land."

The musings of my subconscious...heaving at the strings of my heart...till it bleeds of sweet torment...till nothing can be heard but the beating of a fading life. Maybe this Utopia is just optimism sitting arrogantly on the peak of insanity...but then dreamers have never been perceived as sane people and they never will be...

"I don't advocate insanity, but its always worked for me!"

A Turtle Dove

I think I am a turtle dove,
I've heard it never forgets its love,
I know my wish may never come true
but I am wishing you're one too!

Had I known this journey with you would be cut short I would not have packed along so many dreams, so much love and hope. But then I guess how would I call that true love. Its sad to admit that you will no longer be mine and I can never call you mine. I know that you will be happy wherever you go, I only wish that happiness could have been with me. I don't have to tell you how much I love you and how much I will miss you. I will try and move on and I will try to be happy. I was looking at a picture of you recently and it seemed like you were looking at me once again. For a moment I lost track of time and place, it took me sometime to come back to reality. I touched your eyes and held the picture to my chest, it seemed like forever had passed since I had held you last. Your smile I will miss the most, the way it lit up my day and my life. Every time I saw you smiling, I thanked God with all my heart for blessing me with you. Alas, the lord had bigger plans and neither you nor I can make sense of them. I will not ask you why you are leaving, I am just hoping it was important enough for you to let go of me. I am also hoping I was as important for you as you are for me. I wish you luck and I wish you joy. I know no one can love you like I can because no one sees what I see in you. But I wish that when someone does loves you, they realize what they have gained and what you are truly worth. I know because I have lost you. But I will not upset myself and I will not cry. I have the strength and courage to face life without you. I am content just with the thought that somewhere under this vast expanse of blue, you are alive, smiling, happy and beautiful. Ironically I am also an eternal romantic and I believe my love will not wither with time, it will return some day, maybe in some new form, a new name or a renewed promise. So fly away my love, let not a single chain of condition bind you to me, someday maybe you miss the warmth of my heart and the perfume of my love guides you back.

Come here my love, lie down beside me
let me look at you one final time,
let me sing you one final rhyme,
these moments might be your final with me,
so breathe into my lungs and fill yourself in me,
let me love you and let you love me,
then I can let you go and you can let me be...

Justice Denied...

I don't understand...Where's the justice in it all...
What's the point of childhood...when you cant be a child...
The road is long and the seat is agonizing...but they'll still tell you to enjoy the ride...
What's the point of wishing on a star...when your wish will never come true...
What's the point of this rainbow...when all you see is blue...
What's the point of cheering for the underdog...when you are told Life is never fair...
What's the point of a God...when your faith is naked and bare...
Whats the point of religion...when you don't believe the holy sermons you say...
What's the point of planning for the future...when you don't know if you will survive the day...
What's the point of missing...when you know they are not missing you...
What's the point of forgiving...when they will inevitably be unfaithful to you...
What's the point of standing here and waiting...when you know she is never going to come...
What's the point of writing these letters...when your words will one day go numb...
What's the point of breaking someone's heart...when you know yours is just as easy to break...
What's the point of judging someone...when you know you are just as fake...
Why do you compel yourself to remember...when it will hurt even more to forget...
Why do you have to let go...what you struggled so hard to get...
What's the point of loving her...when you don't even know her name...
What's the point of hoping...life will move on and everything will be the same...
What's the point of expressing your love...when you don't have the courage to live it...
What's the point of these words in blood...when you don't have the heart to say it...
What's the point of meeting me...each time you wear a new disguise...
What's the point of singing this song...when you will never hear my heart's lonely reprise...

A Memorable Vacation

Growing up, the word vacation meant coming back to India during the summers. Sadly, I can’t recall anything memorable about any of my vacations. Most of the summer would be spent in my ancestral home “Amroha” socializing with my relatives and family friends. I found this exercise rather futile because I forgot each one of them as soon as we left.

But now that I think of it, there was one such vacation where I did something that I still remember. I was 10 years old, I think, and we had rented out one of the floors in our “haveli” to a family of seven. Over the summer, I grew fond of them, especially their youngest daughter who they all called “Munni.” I never realized how quickly time passed that summer. When it was finally time to leave, I felt a deep sense of grief. My final conversation with Munni revolved around the time we spent together and if the family would still be there when we returned next time. Before leaving she mentioned how she and her sister would not be able to go to school, as they didn’t have money to buy books and pay the fees. To this day I still feel guilty for what I did that day, I somehow managed to steal 500 rupees from my mother’s vanity case and gave it to Munni. I really don’t know how much that money helped them, but I felt a bad deed if done for a good cause, was not so bad!

Standing on the Edge..

Standing here on this cliff, away from life's nuances and ambiguity, I feel free. Like a bird thats been trapped in a cage suddenly finds an opportunity to escape, and grabs it with both hands. There is no other place that makes me feel so powerful and so fragile, both at the same time. The feeling is so unexplored, like a child examining a broken piece of glass, it feels the joy and power of finding something fascinating and when it cuts itself, realizes the glass is more fatal and powerful than it perceived. But its good because there is something different about today.

The cool breeze is blowing into me, caressing my body, playing with my hair and filling my lungs with life and vitality. As I look down I can see the waves lashing at the rocky shore below. Today the ocean seems to be subtler in its reprimand of the shore. I remember coming here a long night ago, the dizziness of my experience still fresh on my mind. I was a different person then, weaker, afraid and vulnerable. The ocean was more violent then or maybe my perception was clouded by my psychological state of mind. I had climbed up because I had this sudden urge to jump down. Maybe I wanted to feel alive and free because I clearly remember that at the time, I felt as alive as a zombie. I had been alone and my heart had been broken. I missed her and I wanted her to come back. I cried till I could not cry anymore.I could taste the salty residue of my tears and feel my saturated skin stretching under the saltiness. I was afraid of the coming day, the morning sun and the sounds of birds chirping away to welcome it. I wanted the night to last longer, maybe never to end. I wanted the pain to consume me so that I could tell myself that I had not been a coward and that I hadn't given up. I wanted life to give up on me. I walked to the edge and stood there thinking to myself, what I had done wrong or what I had done to deserve this apathy. There were very few chances that I would survive the fall, if the rocks wouldn't get me, the waves definitely would. I rejected the idea, the thought of living seemed a little more cozier than before. I realized that if I got through this night, a new day would come eventually. It maybe not be perfect, but then nothing in life really was.

The night sky seemed darker than ever and I knew it was too dark to climb back down. I had to get through the night, I told myself to just hold on. The morning that I had been despising would become the seed of my new beginning. But I needed to get through this night, somehow, anyhow I needed to survive. I was alone, it was cold and I had nothing to hold on to, nothing to comfort me and nothing to keep me warm. I began to crouch myself together, holding tighter as the dormant minutes passed by. I ended up lying there like a baby thrown out of its womb, how I longed for the warmth of a mother's belly. The wind was mercilessly cold and it would only get colder as the night went on. I needed something to keep me warm and it had to come from within me. I could only think of two things that could get me through this night, god's mercy and the warmth of her love.

Apart from a lot of things, the night made me realize the true meaning and strength of love. It didn't matter if she loved me or wanted me, I loved her and I wanted her. The thought itself made me feel a bit warmer. If I loved her only because she loved me, that would mean my love had been selfish and shallow. It didn't feel that way, inside me, my heart still burned for her like the first day I had fallen in love with her. Somehow I knew thats how it would remain, I just knew it. No matter where I was and who I was with, my love for her would stand the test of time. I had always loved her but at this moment I didn't need for her to love me back. My love had actually become selfless, maybe I too had become selfless. At that moment of self realization, I stopped shivering, the warmth inside me flowed out and filled the world around me. God's mercy had been the rope I needed to hold on to and her love had given me the will to climb back up.

The minutes didn't seem that long anymore, time was at my mercy now. I was not waiting for the day to be born, the day was waiting for me with open arms. Finally when it showered down in all its crimson brilliance, I knew I had the strength to fight away a million such nights, never again would I give in and give up. A smile crept to my face and I was happy at what I had achieved, how ever little and insignificant it may have been.

I walked to the edge of the cliff again. I looked down and I was not afraid. The fear that had gripped me the night before had evaporated with the coming of the new sun. I didn't take the leap of the cliff, but the morning breeze carried my spirit with it and I was not afraid of the uncertainty, of pain, of fear itself. My lord was inside me and I had just learned how to love. Enough milestones for a day. As for life, it would take care of itself...