Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Unfaithful Dreams!!

Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.
- Robert Frost

It was a cold, sedate night and I had just slipped into bed. I was just getting cozy when someone abruptly rang the door bell. "Who could it be at this odd hour," I wondered. The sound of the doorbell was somewhat different...i mean door bells are door bells...but i dont know...something about the manner in which the bell had been rung...like the finger had been undecided about the action it was about to perform...and in a moment of hope or lucidity...the finger has executed the command...it made the identity of the visitor all the more alluring to me. I hobbled to the door and lazily unlocked it. As I opened the door...the silhouette of a person was faintly visible, standing in the doorway. I opened my mouth to call out when the figure proceeded towards me..by now i could make out it was a woman. As the dim moonlight kissed her face...the realisation of what I saw left me numb and speechless. There she stood...in all her serene beauty...vulnerable and defenceless. She looked exhausted...as if she had been on a journey...her eyes...tired...thirsty...like a nomad in search of an oasis. I didnt say a word...I couldnt...it was like my tongue...my mouth...was dry and frozen...all the way down to the pit of my stomach. I had imagined this scene in my mind so many times and enacted my reactions so many more...but nothing could have prepared me for this. I stood there in front of her...naked...just as vulnerable as she...emotionless and cold. She approached me...I felt the sweet warmth of her breath as she took my name...I looked into her eyes and all I could do was embrace her...we held on to each other like our very existence depended on it. The gesture broke my passiveness...for that moment...there were no questions in my mind...why did you go? why did you come back? Who do you think you are?...nothing...just tranquility and sweet silence...the only thing I could feel was immense contentment...a profound joy...of finding something you thought you had lost forever. Slowly drops began to descend...intially like a drizzle...and then they became bigger and heavier...heavier...like two hearts...in a boat about to sink...with only the dim hope that their love might keep them alive...the dream started to melt...the moment began to pale...like the colors abandoning leaves in the fall...and then slowly...it was no more...all that was left was the sound of raindrops...silence again...morbid and cold...

The dream was like an extension of reality. I kept thinking about it, what would I do if she really came back. Would I be able to tell her that I didnt want her back in my life...that I was happy...I was really happy and I would be happier if she left me alone...would the words come out. I dont know really, there are moments when I feel strong and I feel...after what she did...why should I even contemplate taking her back into my life. Above everything...this entire dilemma was rather stupid. Why would she come back?...she didnt need to...she had already made her decision...however hasty it may have been...but I am sure she thought about it thoroughly and then took her decision. Ofcourse..how silly of me...she would have made the right decision...I mean her entire life, her future depended upon it. All my mind was doing, was manipulating my thoughts...those dreams had a perfectly scientific explanation...like why there is night and day...why the planets move around the earth...why the apple falls to the ground...or why we grow old..they all have reasons...right...its just a dream...just a dream...or is it??

Sometimes dreams can be a figment of one's reality and the two...dreams and reality...may blend so well that you wont be able to tell one from the other. The dream brings up one big question..."Do I want her to come back into my life?"a perplexing question...I dont think I have one answer for it. The more I feel I am better off without her...the more I long to be with her...its crazy...I dont really understand..maybe it's just a hangover...I keep wishing that I will get up one morning and I wont remember her...she will be wiped off my memory...my life will move forward...no longer in the shadows of my past...but how dreadful...if I forget everything about her...my inspiration of life...the fire in my stomach will die away...and I will become just like the rest of the flock...another face in the crowd...lost in the nitty gritties of social existence...I am content as I am...atleast I have something to hold on to...even if they are just memories...some people dont even have that!!

Lets me put an end to this debate...I think that after all this brooding...I have come to just one conclusion...I dont know what the dream means...I dont really care...the truth is...I dont want her to come back...there I have said it...not because I dont love her but because if she ever returns, I would never be able to turn her away. I dread the frailness of my will and determination...I fear the ease with which she can come back into my arms...frustrated that my arms are always open...afraid that I will never really be able to let her go...ever...I wish I could turn back the fingers of the clock...but i guess somethings are better off, if left alone...Time Brings Everything to Light...

I leave you with a few lines from one of my favourite songs...The Scientist...food for thought..

...Come up to meet ya, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need ya
And tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets, and nurse me your questions
Oh lets go back to the start
Running in circles, coming in tails
Heads on a science apart
Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start...


Bodhisattva said...

you know what Forrest Gump said, when he was sitting on the wooden bench in the bus stand:
"momma says, life is like a box of chocolates,you never know what you get"
you have got some amazing things on your platter....i am so eager to hear about some of them..why dont you tell me a nice story the next time around???

Bodhisattva said...

and since you like music so much, here are a couple of lines from my favourite song...
"Who can it be knocking at my door?
Go 'way, don't come 'round here no more.
Can't you see that it's late at night?
I'm very tired, and I'm not feeling right.
All I wish is to be alone;
Stay away, don't you invade my home.
Best off if you hang outside,
Don't come in - I'll only run and hide."

sneha said...

hey buddy
absolutely loved ur blog...keep up the good work...u already r aware of how eagerly i wait for ur blogs..so write more often...
i no u want her back in ur life n im sure one day she will realise wat she has lost n come back to u...as i have said earlier plzzzz do forgive her...i wanna c u happy forever...keep smiling n keep writing..tc...luv ya... :)


well, thankyou very much once again...both of you...as I said before...my posts are not necessarily a page out of my life...they are about situations, joys,achievements, disappointments, problems,obstacles...things that everyone goes through...I just try and give those emotions and feelings..words...btw...am working to post something more pleasant next time...till then...keep waiting...and cheers!!

Ink Drop said...

Night after night i've dreamt of finding my lost world... to that limit that it has become a soap bubble lingering in the air. Like a child is afraid to burst the bubble he/ she eargerly waits to touch.... I'm afraid to get what i've wanted so much after once losing it. The longing for a glimpse of him, his touch, his words, his voice, those eyes, holding hands, sitting together not talking for hours....... pains me to the limit beyond which i may not know what pain is like. I dunno what will i do if the doorbell really rings, if i open the door and if i hold him to my heart.

Imroz here I'll like to share my poem for you and for me and for anyone who shares our feelings....

mutthi mein bandh reth si
dabbe mein bandh pret si
khul jayein to kaun paye
bandh rahein to bhi kahan sahlayein
Ashaayein ashaayein...

I shall wait for the door bell to ring.

Luv you buddy,

Sumit said...

My dear friend... once again you have captured so much, in so few words...I hope the doorbell rings soon, my friend..
What you wrote reminds me of a song that's almost an anthem to me:

A hundred days have made me older,
since the last time that I saw your pretty face,
A thousand lives have made me colder,
and I just can't look at this the same...

I'm here without you baby, you're still on my lonely mind, here without you baby, and I dream of you all the time...

Aanchal said...

Was it reality manipulating the unforgetable past, the hopes deeply buried and the ever-so-concious subconcious? Was it a journey that took me on a ride without my knowing and brought me from the fantasctic to the real and then back to the surreal so that i completely became oblivious to the difference between the two? have i forgoten how and where to stop my stream of thoughts...or is it that that my being is still entangled in the magical weave of this blog??????


After those words Aanchal...what can I say...I am speechless!!

Arfi said...

... since Frost seems to be the flavor of the day. Heres one of my favorites and quite appropriate too I think ....

Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.

Robert Frost

WonderWall said...

<3 I have tears in my eyes.... I just hope this post doesn't belong with you or any one.... ^_^

"I am content as I am...atleast I have something to hold on to...even if they are just memories...some people dont even have that!!"


@Wonderwall: Well all I can say is, fiction is a byproduct of experience...now you can infer from that what you will :)