I Wonder...

I heard a saying when I was growing up that the people who seem to be the happiest or who provoke smirks and laughter from the people around them are sometimes the ones who go through the most turbulent relationship with pain imaginable.

Their pain is something they live with , forget and remember again like a re-occurring dream, pain may seem similar to this for all of us, but for them its more profound. Their pain is imprisoned in the crimson walls of their heart, silent to the world and even themselves on most occasions. There is so much more to them than meets the eye. In the deep trenches of their heart they hide this pain, it might be something or someone or just some distant memory preserved in its near virgin state. It has left an indelible scar on their lives and even "Time" has decided to turn a blind eye and leave that memory undisturbed.

I wonder if she is that kind of person. Is that what's hidden behind that brimming smile? I wonder how much of her is actually evident to the world around her and how much of herself she chooses not to advertise? I wonder who she is when she sheds her image, peals of her fabricated self and wears her uninhibited skin? I wonder what thoughts run through her mind when she wonders how long she can keep this act up? I wonder how she feels when she stands in front of the mirror and looks into her own eyes? I wonder if she sees an irony or herself? I wonder how she feels when she realizes that people love her so much for what they think she is that maybe, no one might take the trouble to know the person behind the name? I wonder if she feels lonely sometimes or wishes there was someone or something that could fill the void? I wonder if she curls up and hugs her pillow when she sleeps, in an effort to calm her throbbing heart? I wonder if her audacious ego allows her to ever confess that she needs anyone at all?

Sometimes the laughter seems too good to be true, she hides herself so well in her boisterous, brassy personality. I wonder what is it that she hides? I wonder why she has decided to be the way she is? I wonder if she ever cries or allows herself to cry at all? I wonder what she fears more, the world around her or herself? I wonder if she craves attention more or love? I wonder if she would trust anyone enough, to ever show them her true naked self? I wonder if she has forgotten how she used to be and what it was like when life was more simpler and innocent?

Maybe my thoughts, perceptions and presumptions may all be wrong and fictitious. Maybe this damn mind of mine can't decide if it likes her more for the illusion she is or dislikes her for her pretentiousness. Could it be that all that she does and all that she enacts, is true. There must be a flaw, there must be a story...I wonder what that story is or if there even is one?

A very famous funny man by the name of Charlie Chaplin once said, "I cry in the rain, so that no one will see my tears." I wonder if I will find her someday surrendering to the raindrops...