Friday, June 11, 2010
That first time!
[This is my entry for the blog adda contest - My first crush in partnership with Pringoo]
When we think of love, we more often than not go back to the first time we discovered we could blow the circuits in our mind sky high. That first stolen glance, the first time we heard our own heart beat echoing from our ears to the tips of our fingers, when all the heart desired was to listen to her voice, watch her talk and loose ourselves in her beauty and charm. No matter how many relationships you have or how many times you fall in love after that, it’s never the same, probably never as intense and never as innocent.
Like everyone else who has fallen in love, I did too! It was the most indescribable, most enchanting, most indelible experience of my life. I believe that everyone should fall in love at least once in their life. It brings out a side of you that you never thought existed, it makes you want to do silly things which under normal circumstances would be downright (especially for guys) embarrassing. At that moment, it doesn’t matter what the world thinks, or your friends or peers think. All you can see are her beautiful eyes and how you want to drown forever in the vast ocean of unfathomable emotions you feel for her. You become vulnerable, considerate, thoughtful and polite. You begin to worry about how you look, what you wear, you change ten t-shirts before you decide the first one you tried was right, you make sure not a hair on your head is out of sorts, you pay attention to hygiene and ensure that you smell at the least pleasant, if not divine. And considering how much trouble you go to, and how much work it sounds like, you are still happy, you’re always smiling, always humming a song, sleeping well and if not, lost in the fantasy world that you are weaving in your head. No matter how you were before or are going to be after, at that moment, you are the best person that you can possibly be. For that reason alone, I think falling in love is worth the trouble and even the heartbreak, that barring a fortunate few, inevitably follows.
So yours truly fell in love too, like any hormone pumped teenage kid, trying to make sense of himself and the world around him. That unforgettable moment when the cupid finally struck after 18 years of endlessly hoping, waiting, anticipating, giving up and hoping again is still so vivid, so real in my head, I can almost taste it. It was the first day of my second year in college. Like any senior I was looking forward to the new blood that was going to be infused into our college lives. I wasn’t hoping for too much, actually I wasn’t hoping for anything at all. That was probably the giving up phase, when you feel if something has to happen it will, and if it doesn’t, well…screw it! Now many people would argue that there is nothing like love at first sight. But hey…the first time I saw her, standing with her friends near the college canteen, I felt like I was possessed by a feeling so raw, so powerful, it had disabled my senses momentarily. I didn’t show the tension and conflict inside me, but I could barely raise my hand and say hi. I still remember the way she looked at me, the way she tilted her head slightly towards her right, and smiled. Maybe trying to figure me out, without the living knowledge that every part of me was involuntarily falling apart, piece by piece. It was like a dream I had never dreamed, it was the first time I felt unabandoned happiness and immeasurable pain, both at the same time, and it felt so absolutely wonderful and fulfilling, like I was overflowing with joy and I didn't know how to contain it. I know it sounds exaggerated...I mean cmon! who feels that way? But I did! that's how I honestly felt and I wanted to feel that way forever, for as long as I was alive and in that instant of helplessness, I knew this was the girl I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Pretty dramatic stuff for a 19 year old, but hey...we've all been there, when you're that young and full of life and brimming with energy, you think you can conquer the world and there is nothing in this world that can stop you.
Now what happened after is a matter of history and I hate to disappoint you, but I didn’t end up spending the rest of my life as I know it, with her. However, I did make a lot of unforgettable memories, moments etched in my mind for eternity, went through a lot of ups and downs, learnt so many things about life, about myself. Nothing after has come remotely close. Maybe it's the novelty of the experience or the rawness of your heart or just some hormones going crazy, but it remains with you forever. That's why the first time is always just that.
So life plays a few jokes on you, heck all you can do is smile and play a few jokes back. At the end of the day, I console myself with the fact that the most memorable love stories in the world seldom have happy endings. I don’t know if my love story was memorable or worthy of mention, but I think it was, and I like to think that where ever she is, maybe she does too.
The important thing to remember if your first love didn't make it to the end of the bridge, is not to forget to move on and let go. Don't let it haunt you, coz it can. Don't let it be a curse, let it be an antidote. There is a reason why the first one didn't make it to your present, maybe they were meant for someone else and so were you. Go and find that someone, or let yourself be found, and give that person a chance, they might just surprise you! :)