The stigma of the first time!

I sometimes judge our society on how it has romanticized the concept of “The First” in relationships. The first kiss, first love, first fight, first sight, first date, first hate…whatever…you get the picture! Not only is this obsession legitimized by the perennial stalwarts of everything romantic namely Archies and Hallmark but it’s turned into this marketing opportunity which every corporate worth its dime seems to be jumping into. Now I know people will be like, what’s wrong with that? Actually honestly…nothing! But I just have a diametrically opposite opinion about it nonetheless. Let me explain.

My problem is not that I disagree with people celebrating and marking their first anniversaries or dates etc. It's just that everything first is supposed to be this life altering, emotionally defining moment which you will savor and remember for the rest of your life and if god forbid something goes wrong, you will be scarred for life, unable to feel or ever experience the divinity in that moment, coz obviously it can never happen again! Or they would like you to believe. Ever felt the pressure of expectations weighing down on you when you’re about to get or give your first kiss…or experience something intimate for the first time. It’s like you are supposed to be this vivacious, enigmatic lover who knows all the right moves and all the right lines and sweeps your partner off their feet, violins start playing in the background, the moon and the stars descend from the heavens and you both are transported to this magical world to experience something that is truly cosmic and transcendental.

Was that how you thought it was going to be, or should be? I am sure if not entirely, the depiction was close. But how did you know this was supposed to happen, you didn’t dream it or imagine it all by the creative forces in your mind. You were made to believe this is how it should be or must be. Whether it’s from being fed on the philosophy and fictional junk of these candy floss romantic flicks or going teary eyed reading quixotic paperbacks aka Mills & Boons, Twilight and the likes. They set such high and idealistic precedents that somehow we are supposed to match them at some degree. At least that’s what every hormone infested adolescent feels and so do many young adults. Not meeting these standards seems to be nothing less than a crime, or leaves you feeling inefficient, depressed and questioning your ability and worthiness. Not the picture perfect ending we were gutting for now is it?

Now people will argue that I am completely discounting the importance of the first encounter. No I am not, what I am saying is, we have romanticized it far too much. It's supposed to be special, but we’ve turned it into this do or die kind of performance ability test which everyone needs to ace. Now I really hope that most of you had first encounters that you really treasure and fondly remember. However, if you did not, that’s OK. You can make it work the second time or third time, or whenever you feel you are ready. That doesn’t mean you’re a failure and your partner is going to drop you like a bag of wet sand. It’s not like you started walking the moment you were born. You learned to crawl, then to stand and then to walk. So you’ll get there, some people I concede have a natural ability…some people are good talkers, some people handle emotions well, some connect with people well, some solve math problems with ease, and some people have artistic ability and some people are good at relationships. But that is no manner conveys that you can’t learn. Human beings by nature are emotional creatures, emotions are at the core of who we are and how we behave and are influenced. So it’s not some major complex physics formula that you need to crack. If it doesn’t work for you the first time, it will eventually. No need to eat yourself up over it.

People really are fixated with getting it right the first time, coz apparently if it’s right the first time, then it’s perfect. C’mon now…nothing in this world that is perfect or perceived as such was accomplished on the first go. Hell…Edison tried a thousand times before he invented the electric bulb. Einstein spent his entire life working and researching to come up with E=mc². So give perseverance a high five people!

Let me tell you honestly, most people have very awkward first times. Firstly coz they’re nervous maybe even petrified, overtly self conscious and insecure. So if someone tells you, dude I nailed it at the first go…please! Tell that person to go suck an egg coz 9.5 out of 10 times they are just fibbing and even if they are telling the truth, they are definitely pulling it beyond obvious recognition. Don’t be hung up on this first time dogma that society tends to perpetuate. If it’s perfect the first time, that’s wonderful, congratulations to you! If not, not to worry, it’s just a learning curve, there will be many more times when you can make it special. The best part is, you will be better prepared and better conditioned. And when it does happen, it will be on your terms, and you can waive the magic wand and create your own wonderland.

That first time!

[This is my entry for the blog adda contest - My first crush in partnership with Pringoo]

When we think of love, we more often than not go back to the first time we discovered we could blow the circuits in our mind sky high. That first stolen glance, the first time we heard our own heart beat echoing from our ears to the tips of our fingers, when all the heart desired was to listen to her voice, watch her talk and loose ourselves in her beauty and charm. No matter how many relationships you have or how many times you fall in love after that, it’s never the same, probably never as intense and never as innocent.

Like everyone else who has fallen in love, I did too! It was the most indescribable, most enchanting, most indelible experience of my life. I believe that everyone should fall in love at least once in their life. It brings out a side of you that you never thought existed, it makes you want to do silly things which under normal circumstances would be downright (especially for guys) embarrassing. At that moment, it doesn’t matter what the world thinks, or your friends or peers think. All you can see are her beautiful eyes and how you want to drown forever in the vast ocean of unfathomable emotions you feel for her. You become vulnerable, considerate, thoughtful and polite. You begin to worry about how you look, what you wear, you change ten t-shirts before you decide the first one you tried was right, you make sure not a hair on your head is out of sorts, you pay attention to hygiene and ensure that you smell at the least pleasant, if not divine. And considering how much trouble you go to, and how much work it sounds like, you are still happy, you’re always smiling, always humming a song, sleeping well and if not, lost in the fantasy world that you are weaving in your head. No matter how you were before or are going to be after, at that moment, you are the best person that you can possibly be. For that reason alone, I think falling in love is worth the trouble and even the heartbreak, that barring a fortunate few, inevitably follows.

So yours truly fell in love too, like any hormone pumped teenage kid, trying to make sense of himself and the world around him. That unforgettable moment when the cupid finally struck after 18 years of endlessly hoping, waiting, anticipating, giving up and hoping again is still so vivid, so real in my head, I can almost taste it. It was the first day of my second year in college. Like any senior I was looking forward to the new blood that was going to be infused into our college lives. I wasn’t hoping for too much, actually I wasn’t hoping for anything at all. That was probably the giving up phase, when you feel if something has to happen it will, and if it doesn’t, well…screw it! Now many people would argue that there is nothing like love at first sight. But hey…the first time I saw her, standing with her friends near the college canteen, I felt like I was possessed by a feeling so raw, so powerful, it had disabled my senses momentarily. I didn’t show the tension and conflict inside me, but I could barely raise my hand and say hi. I still remember the way she looked at me, the way she tilted her head slightly towards her right, and smiled. Maybe trying to figure me out, without the living knowledge that every part of me was involuntarily falling apart, piece by piece. It was like a dream I had never dreamed, it was the first time I felt unabandoned happiness and immeasurable pain, both at the same time, and it felt so absolutely wonderful and fulfilling, like I was overflowing with joy and I didn't know how to contain it. I know it sounds exaggerated...I mean cmon! who feels that way? But I did! that's how I honestly felt and I wanted to feel that way forever, for as long as I was alive and in that instant of helplessness, I knew this was the girl I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Pretty dramatic stuff for a 19 year old, but hey...we've all been there, when you're that young and full of life and brimming with energy, you think you can conquer the world and there is nothing in this world that can stop you.

Now what happened after is a matter of history and I hate to disappoint you, but I didn’t end up spending the rest of my life as I know it, with her. However, I did make a lot of unforgettable memories, moments etched in my mind for eternity, went through a lot of ups and downs, learnt so many things about life, about myself. Nothing after has come remotely close. Maybe it's the novelty of the experience or the rawness of your heart or just some hormones going crazy, but it remains with you forever. That's why the first time is always just that.

So life plays a few jokes on you, heck all you can do is smile and play a few jokes back. At the end of the day, I console myself with the fact that the most memorable love stories in the world seldom have happy endings. I don’t know if my love story was memorable or worthy of mention, but I think it was, and I like to think that where ever she is, maybe she does too.

The important thing to remember if your first love didn't make it to the end of the bridge, is not to forget to move on and let go. Don't let it haunt you, coz it can. Don't let it be a curse, let it be an antidote. There is a reason why the first one didn't make it to your present, maybe they were meant for someone else and so were you. Go and find that someone, or let yourself be found, and give that person a chance, they might just surprise you! :)