Monday, November 22, 2010

A note for a rainy day..

...It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word

And then that word grew louder and louder
'Til it was a battle cry

I'll come back
When you call me
No need to say goodbye..

I tried remembering the events of that night...I knew what you wanted me to say...I knew how you were feeling and exactly what you needed. I wanted to blurt it out...scream it out and let you know exactly how I share every ounce of unsaid and unexpressed emotion that was trapped inside me...brimming...bouncing with volatility...just waiting to be unleashed. I wanted to say keep it inside me was the blood in my veins was pumping with the rushing intensity of a the point that I felt it might actually gush out of me...but I needed to hold on...I needed to enjoy the savor bask in its indulge in the moment.

I had wanted to hear the same words from you so many times many moments squandered and so many portraits left unfinished...can't remember how many times I was left with nothing but the unsettled dust of defeat...and now when you wanted to hear the same words...why didn't I relent...why didn't I put an end to your torture...I don't know!! I felt control and I loved it. I knew I should not allow myself to be enticed by the corrupting charm of power...but it was a futile matter how fanatically I was screaming the words...inside me...I wouldn't let them go...these words...reverberating and bouncing around like marbles in a crystal box...inflicting damage but not fatal...unable to break free.

I wouldn't let myself say it...maybe I wanted you to feel what I every moment of disappointment and the soul twisted and cringed under the pressure...sadistic of me I know...I shouldn't have...I would pay a price for this...a heavy price...was I stupid enough to gamble with something so precious?

In all this chaos...I looked at your eager, craving eyes...and I looked away...I couldn't...I felt so vain and petty...almost disgusted...but I wouldn't say it...not day I would but not today...and maybe then the tables would be turned on me...and I would experience exactly what you were going through at this moment...the anxiety...the fear...the hope...the wishful thinking...but I knew I could take it...I had done it so many times was a habit now...bring the pain I said to myself...bring it!!

The night had passed and all I was left with was the palpable aroma of your breath wrapped around me and a memory of how bigoted and self obsessed I was. A very sad caricature and a depressing tapestry.

I stood across from you now and as I had predicted..the tables had turned...but I was prepared and I was conditioned...there was no fear...there was no remorse...I knew what was going to's funny how we play this out so many times and by now even you know how this is going to end...but we come back every time...hungry and craving for more...two insatiated these cross roads...leaving an even more indelible infliction on each other every time...and then walking away...I don't really know how long this drama will continue but I will keep playing my role as long as you keep playing yours...let us be damned to do this forever...maybe that is the curse for what we have done to each other...two tattered forsaken souls...whose only means of survival...only means to feel to come crawling back to this place again and again...till either one runs out of hope or the stamina to continue...

I looked up...into your eyes...fidgeted with a piece of paper in my coat pocket...I had written the words you wanted to hear that was carefully folded...I asked you to hold out your hand and as you did, I placed the paper on your palm...

"Don't read what's written in it now," I said.

"Why?" you inquired.

"Keep it for a rainy day, when you're not at your strongest, when you begin to lose the will to keep going, when your spirit gets tired of fighting, when giving up seems to be the only choice, when every part of you aches and cries out with the anguish of enduring life and all it has thrown in your path, read it then, read it out loud, maybe you will understand...and if you do...come find me," I said.

As the words trailed away with the passing breeze, I smiled at you.

Then turned around and walked away...there was nothing left to say...


Priya said...

As usual, very powerful prose. Loved the imagery and the juxtaposition of thoughts and images...your words are always from the heart and strike a chord somewhere inside, even if we all haven't experienced exactly the same situations, but it's put so well together, that we understand what your characters are feeling and why they are doing what they do.
Your feelings and depth of psychological insight are fascinating...loved it! :-)

anu said...

Very nice flow.Good article


@Priya: Thanks are a sweetheart! Now if only I could find a publisher who thought of my writing in the same way :P

@Anu: Thank you!

Mehak said...

hehe, i'm sure you would find a publisher if you tried, Imroz. You should so write a book!
i love the song you've included and i love the narrative.. so emotive, so evocative.. brilliantly written. :)


Thanks Mehek :)