Happy Birthday!

[I wrote this last month to mark my birthday, I hit the dreaded thirty :P but age as they say is just a number, which is just affirmative crap! Here's the truth people, we are all getting older! :O ohh..the horror! Jokes aside, hope it doesn't sounds like I'm gloating through the poem, felt it conveyed some message, so thought I would share, your comments are most welcome :)]

Another year passes by,
another year in the blink of an eye,
bring out the cake and the pie,
its time for 29 to say goodbye,

Lessons have been learned along the way,
some demons have also been put away,
I'm hoping this time I will not stray,
the sun is shining, time to make some hay,

A hope long relinquished has come to fore,
I'm down on my knees and begging once more,
this final time, my knock on your door,
heed to my call, oh celestial soul,

Pump blood into my wings so I may fly,
not like Icarus, to eventually drown and die,
not like a naive, silly, overzealous boy,
but with the poise and gallantry of a real Mccoy,

Fill my heart with passion and courage once again,
for Love has beguiled me like a dose of coccaine,
with every whiff I go more insane,
it's so different this time and yet the same,

Gratitude for the tenacity you bestowed on my immortal soul,
and the will to keep going through every minute unconsoled,
despite the pain and failure I had to endure,
there was always faith at the end of the scroll,

It was not all gloom and dark and grey,
there was lots of laughter and lots to celebrate,
small milestones were attained, I know it sounds like a cliche,
but I wouldn't change a thing, if I had my way,

I am a product of every experience I have undergone,
despite my kinks and faults, still a proud black schwan,
as my destiny is revealed, I will cease to be a pawn,
from the chaos and carnage, like a sunrise I will spawn,

So one more year to put behind me is what they say,
the crowd they bustle and the horses neigh,
the conductor waves his baton and the music plays,
Oh! daunting 30, I'm on my way.

Morning Rain

Morning rain, the sky has wept,
the birds sheltered, the leaves are wet,
my eyes sore, I've hardly slept,
the same song keeps playing from that darn cassette,

Morning light, the sky is ripe,
the birds are chirping, in hunger, in fright,
im right beside you, just out of sight,
some dreams take off, some need more fight,

Morning breeze, the sky is fading,
the birds fly away, time for grazing,
the mind is awake, my eyes are sleeping,
you're the only dream worth dreaming,

Night is here and morning's gone,
the birds in their nests, as darkness is born,
seven minutes of a moment, is where I truly belong,
the clown dries his tears, for the show must go on.

Sense

It floats to me like a cloud of light,
in waves of amber, blue and white,

taps on my shoulder and pecks my brow,
a longing embrace, an endearing glow,

softly kisses me on cold moonlit nights,
wakes me up to music and candle lights,

visions and dreams it shows to me,
carries tremors from my heart to thee,

reminds me my mind is to blame,
and my heart is the only part of me that's sane,

paints ribbons of orangy red against the sunset sky,
says it may be impossible to win, but insists I still try,

says I'm a million miles away,
but assures me I will find a way,

blatantly leads me to your door,
like an unfinished tale from an ancient folklore,

I plead for its identity, says only time will break this suspense,
and now that I've found you, somehow it all makes sense.

No Turning Back

I try to hide the fears now,
nurse them with hope,
Don't you test my will now,
my spirit's almost broke,
I was just about to drown now,
if not for your support,
why keep me alive now,
if not to hold me close,
I'm learning to breathe again now,
your life in every stroke,
There's no turning back now,
my ship has set its course.

My Experiments with Truth - My Limbic System!

I have been trying to post something new for the past few weeks and sadly none of my efforts have been worth posting. OK, I’ll be honest; I haven’t been making any effort at all! The thing is, writing for me is so much about the moment; and about the fluidity of my thoughts in that moment. Sometimes I can sit for months and nothing happens, my mind is devoid of ideas and everything I write seems to be forced. I know what you’re thinking, it’s called WRITERS BLOCK! It’s not the first time I’ve faced it, I go through exhaustive periods when I not only am starved for ideas or inspiration, but I completely lose the will or motivation to write. It feels like a chore, something I am imposing on myself and as far as I know myself, the moment that factors in, I just turn off and it takes me a long time to get myself active again.

Another thing I have noted in my writings over the years, most of them have been written when I’m on one or the other extreme of the emotion scale. Leaving a very few posts, most of my posts have been deep, intense, introspective and indulgent. I have hardly ever written when I am emotionally stable. I don’t find writing light, frothy posts easy. They just don’t come out the way they should. Whenever I try, I get frustrated and just give up. I think that is my most basic and fatal drawback as a writer. I have sub-consciously or semi-consciously stereo-typed my writing because on that stage, I find the words so forthcoming and sublime. On the other hand, when I have written something simple and frivolous, it has come out so bad, so atrocious and sub-standard that I have questioned if I can write in the first place!

I know, maybe I am over reacting and all writers go through this at some point in their lives. However, for me the journey is tougher because I am kind of a snob…ok…ok…a lazy procrastinating snob! Some things I believe as just below me and some things are not worth writing about (which is false, coz anything and everything is worth writing about, all that’s needed is a discerning eye). To add insult to injury, since I have lost my adolescent thirst for reading, I am very, very short on ideas and topics to write about, having to write about something that needs to be researched and analyzed, I just quit then and there. I don’t even pursue it, the few times that I have forced myself to; the results have been rather encouraging. One more thing, sharing my views on most things is not my modus operandi, I am usually the person who sits in the corner and listens intently. I don’t really have strong opinions, and I don’t like to force feed my philosophy to anyone, both traits in hindsight, I might have benefited from, maybe to a certain extent.

So you must be wondering, all of my thousands of followers…yes all 14 of you! :P Why this monologue? Why am I projectile vomiting my inhibitions and insecurities as a writer for all of you to read and maybe some of you to ridicule? Well it’s sort of my way to start a personal crusade to become a better writer. To write about things that I find interesting, but also to take interest in things that fall outside my palate, to break the shackles of my own mind, and to push myself, to shed my skin, to wake myself up and snap out of this complacent, self centered egotistical bubble that I am living in. It’s an honest attempt, one that I hope bears fruit. So over the course of the next few months, I will be trying my hand at writing about things and topics that I have not ventured till now, it is my honest endeavor to grow, both as a writer and a human being.

P.S. – All and any suggestions are welcome :)

Alone with you

I look back down the years and wonder, how did we reach where we are today? I know things have never been simple for us, I know there have always been variables that have been beyond our control and circumstances that have mostly gone against us. I can even go to the length of saying that whatever could have gone wrong for us...has! But even in moments of utter chaos...even when everything around us was falling apart...when even hope seemed to be an impossible possibility...even then...the world that existed between you and me was one of unspoken devotion, unbridled love, a calm warm place that existed when we were together in any form. A safe place where we could escape to and find the will and resolve to keep going. I thought that would never change, no matter what happened and how far away we drifted. I always lived with the divine belief that no one could take away the one place in the world that truly belonged to me. Maybe my belief was a state of being in a prolonged drunken stupor. Now when this delusion has faded, I find myself distraught and alone in a way I have never felt before.

I know I cannot complain, and I cannot blame anyone for what I am experiencing, not even you. I know we all change with time, we all experience things that leave permanent scars on our life. My pain, anguish and struggle is mediocre when compared to what you have gone through. I still hold myself responsible for not being there, for not being able to share your burden or even to hold your hand. I can blame fate by saying that it was all part of the Lord's written word and I could have done nothing to prevent what happened, but the truth is that I had a choice, to stay or leave, I took the latter. I think that was the first moment in my life when I actually thought of us at two separate people, two distinct individuals, two disparate souls with their own destinies. Before that moment I never believed we would ever be apart. I never let the thought even crawl into my head. Now the realization that this alternate reality could even exist left me cold, callous and disillusioned. I don't think I have ever completely recovered. I know people can argue that I didn't really have a choice and you had taken your stand and I did the right  thing by setting you free. Maybe I did what was best for the both of us. I guess I took the best choice, but the best choice is not always the right one!

I may never be able to completely empathize with what you went through and how much it changed you. At one level, I think it's because I have never experienced the trauma and agony that comes from what you have lost, and on another level, because I no longer figure as a confidante, someone who you can turn to, someone who you believe will always catch you when you fall. No matter how much you say that is untrue, what my heart feels when I close my eyes, no amount of words or pretentiousness can ever prove wrong. I know you may not believe me, but I do understand. If you have lived in a prison, then I have been in the darkest most murkiest corners of it with you. I have taken every step and caught every tear that has trickled down you face. I may never be able to completely express to you what it feels like to see someone you love in pain, and not be able to help, to touch, to share...to abandon them almost...because life gives you no other choice.

I don't know how much of what you have gone through has changed you, and what bruises you carry with you. I will never know if you never let me in. Yet, I can see the change, I can feel the change. I remember a time when being in your embrace was the most intense, most exalted, most overwhelming feeling I had ever experienced. It became an addiction and I have never experienced such a moment of raw, unrestrained emotion with another living being. It was forbidden, maybe even sinful. Now as I lie next to you, I can see the body, I can touch the flesh, but I cannot feel the heart. I cannot find the soul. Maybe the girl I loved has been left behind somewhere. I just want you to know, that if you put your trust in me one last time, I will go back into the darkness, I will find her again and I will bring her back...I will bring you back! Because as far as I know, if you don't exist, neither do I and nothing else in the world matters. I don't want to live like this, even when you are by my side, I don't want to be alone...even when I am with you!

Christmas Lights

Its that time of year once again,
I see the signs, I can tell,

the same old tale, the same old claim,
pieces on the board, but we never finish the game,

the Christmas cheer, the cold winter breeze,
lights serenading as I walk down the street,

counting my blessings, a prayer in my heart,
to melt the gates of fate that keep us apart,

parents, children, tis the time for family,
postcards, presents and the Christmas tree,

carols being sung, their voices fill the air,
it's as much happiness as I can bear,

I feel no disdain, only self pity,
I'm not jealous, just guilty of envy,

I remember taking this walk with you,
we spoke of love, promises and dreams come true,

we walked so long together, yet strayed so far,
won the battle, but lost the war,

the little things are always the hardest to forget,
the way you tied your hair, kissed my forehead,

my barren palm reminds me, times have changed,
but the more things change, the more they stay the same,

the older I grow, the lonelier I feel,
the more I trust, the less I heal,

only questions to negotiate, not an answer in sight,
like a bemused bird swaying aimlessly in flight,

the reasons you didn't return I never could see
I was afraid you'd say the reason was me,

you can tell me forever my assumption is absurd,
but silence sometimes speaks louder than words,

there's joy and happiness around me, but I can't sing along,
I'm the forsaken ghost of Christmas, with my own forsaken song,

like a river of diamonds and silk, flows the night sky,
you're happy where you are, and so am I,

you come and go as you please, like the years that pass me by,
these Christmas lights will always be here, and so will I.