"Reasons"

As my life flashes before my eyes
I construe the memories, the truths and the lies
I feel exalted at times and in others demeaned
The pain lasted longer than it seemed
My journey from innocence to subversion
A loyal soldier coerced to treason
Everything seems chosen, from hour to season
But I'm still searching for the reason

I see myself from cradle to grave
A rotting soul no one would save
Labouring to speak when I had been mute
Muffling the words as I overfill the flute
Reliving those moments I had dreaded so much
Trying to grab those that mattered as such

The hands I reached for, that were never there
The ones that caught those innocent tears
The friends who vowed to stay together
The ones I promised and failed to remember
The girls who loved me, I never did see
The one I loved, didnt see me

The rain pours down as the skies cry
I close my eyes, my futile effort to keep dry
The world twisting and turning in pain
I slam the windows, my selfish crusade to keep sane
I question in moments of deep introspection
Can I change this world with sheer determination?
Like most things in life, the answer deceives
Am I part of the cure or part of the disease

A blade of grass breaks the barren soil
The wounded ant finds the strength to toil
An abandoned baby finds his mother in a queen
A messiah spilts the Iteru in between
The masses go wild and I stand tall
The day they break that wretched communist wall
Everything seems chosen, from hour to season
But I'm still searching for the reason

All this fear and all this pain
So much to loose and so little to gain
A web of hatred has trapped mankind
The skies cry blood, the earth embraces the dying
The mocking crowd takes a redskin to task
Condemns the man with the Holy Mask

When will this haze of deceit pass us by?
When can I see the clear blue sky
So many questions oscillating in my head
Cant sense if I am living or dead
How far do I walk before my feet surrender?
How long must I swim before I too go under?
How many days before I can eat?
How many nights before I can finally sleep?
How many wars before there is peace?
How many locks that have no keys?

Walk till your soul finds salvation
Swim till you achieve emancipation
Eat when your neighbour has had his fill
Sleep when you break life's monotonous drill
Wage the war on greed to find peace
Then all the locks will open with ease
Everything seems chosen, from hour to season
I think Hope is the only reason

Ray Of Light...

There used to be a time when everyday was a struggle. My life was never really in my hands, its like using an escalator, you know where you are going but u cant really control anything else, the ground beneath my feet decided where I wanted to go and what I wanted to do. More importantly, I didnt believe in myself enough to even try and break this wearisome constancy. I was afraid of breaking away from this subdued aliveness that was Life. But somewhere and for a few moments I remember being happy...always wished it would last longer...but it never did...the harder i tried to hold it tight...the more easily it slipped, like sand, between my fingers...I wish I would be born again...as someone else...something else...I sound like an escapologist I know...but thats what happens when you find thorns rather than the roses...when will this overcast sky disassemble...so that I can see life once again...and escape these walls...

...and one day it happened...a ray of light broke through the benighted clouds...it touched my face...and I opened my eyes for the first time...it was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen...through the tears...the sight of a watery sunrise...the one time dampness didnt bring a dingy aftertaste...it brought hope...it brought renascence...it brought greenery...it dissolved the darkness...and the sun shone down on me...warm and delicate...with all its illuminating brilliance...the walls were finally broken and never again would I let them rebuild themselves...never...life was much too beautiful...I am sure you will agree...that ray of light was my saving grace...I thank it with all my heart...I hope it can hear me...

Erratic Liaisons!!

We enter this world innocent, scrupulous and pure...as we grow, the social commitments of this world take over...we begin moulding ourselves into a variety of social incarnations - brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers etc. But the one relationship that is most sought and satisfying has to be friendship, not just because it usually takes place between two strangers but because it is sometimes the antithesis of everything else around us, something that helps us break free from the sophistications of civil society and lets us just be...removes our political comouflage and liberates us of all pomp and title - this ofcourse under the condition that the friendship is immaculate and not another societal parody...then surely we all realise that a friend is all we really need, love is volatile...friendship on the other hand is perpetual!! Thats what I have got from her...without expecting I got her "FRIENDSHIP" and without giving I got her "LOVE"...

..i promised myself that this time I would not let my desires get the better of me, this time I would play the game right, I would not let this relationship fail...fall...not let it drop into obscurity...I want to hold on to this one for life...but how much I feel at this moment that I have failed again...failed before I could even begin...I have let sensuality creep into this holy pact and I am burning in its guilt. How weak I am...this one time, just this once, why could I not be unprejudiced and selfless...in this battle between the mind and heart...I have become the malefactor!!...once again...I am proudly poised to loose all...to loose her...

I knew I should have stopped...when my heart began to relish in the warmth of her touch...when a stolen glance would make my heart race...when I began to smile for no apparent reason...when looking into her eyes seemed like a heavenly pleasure...why didnt I stop then...why couldnt I stop then...???

I wanted her friendship...and I got her love...I wanted her companionship...and I got her commitment...that was how she is...you expect less and she gives you so much more. I feel so selfish and egotistical...so tiny in front of her...I am sure that in time...the guilt of it all will kill me. I am afraid...so perplexed...not because I dont feel the same for her but because I am afraid that fate will take her away from me...snatch away even this strand of hope and happiness I have left. Fate keeps setting tasks for me like it does for us all...the difference being, I keep falling into its trap...it preys on me and waits silently...like a vulture...it knows I will inevitably fall...I am a slave to temptation and one way or the other...I will succumb...I will be entrapped...and it enjoys its supremacy over me. But I am adamant...I will not go down without a fight...even if I have to sink with my ship...I will...but I will revolt till my final breath...its the least I can do for her...she deserves much more...I know...but sadly thats all I can give her.

I fear now that I have done too much damage already...the worst part of it all is...I can't stop...I want to be with her...to hold her hand...to embrace her...to just sit with her and enjoy the calmness and peace it brings to my heart. I am selfish I know...all I wanted was her friendship...now I have so much more...did I ask for too much...did I allow her to be deceived...for a relationship that should have lasted the distance...the end maybe near...is this the beginning of the end...or does fate have something else instore for me...whatever it may be I have decided to fight each day...I will not falter this time...and even if I do fail...I know one thing...I may loose her friendship...but I will never loose her trust!!

Unfaithful Dreams!!

Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.
- Robert Frost

It was a cold, sedate night and I had just slipped into bed. I was just getting cozy when someone abruptly rang the door bell. "Who could it be at this odd hour," I wondered. The sound of the doorbell was somewhat different...i mean door bells are door bells...but i dont know...something about the manner in which the bell had been rung...like the finger had been undecided about the action it was about to perform...and in a moment of hope or lucidity...the finger has executed the command...it made the identity of the visitor all the more alluring to me. I hobbled to the door and lazily unlocked it. As I opened the door...the silhouette of a person was faintly visible, standing in the doorway. I opened my mouth to call out when the figure proceeded towards me..by now i could make out it was a woman. As the dim moonlight kissed her face...the realisation of what I saw left me numb and speechless. There she stood...in all her serene beauty...vulnerable and defenceless. She looked exhausted...as if she had been on a journey...her eyes...tired...thirsty...like a nomad in search of an oasis. I didnt say a word...I couldnt...it was like my tongue...my mouth...was dry and frozen...all the way down to the pit of my stomach. I had imagined this scene in my mind so many times and enacted my reactions so many more...but nothing could have prepared me for this. I stood there in front of her...naked...just as vulnerable as she...emotionless and cold. She approached me...I felt the sweet warmth of her breath as she took my name...I looked into her eyes and all I could do was embrace her...we held on to each other like our very existence depended on it. The gesture broke my passiveness...for that moment...there were no questions in my mind...why did you go? why did you come back? Who do you think you are?...nothing...just tranquility and sweet silence...the only thing I could feel was immense contentment...a profound joy...of finding something you thought you had lost forever. Slowly drops began to descend...intially like a drizzle...and then they became bigger and heavier...heavier...like two hearts...in a boat about to sink...with only the dim hope that their love might keep them alive...the dream started to melt...the moment began to pale...like the colors abandoning leaves in the fall...and then slowly...it was no more...all that was left was the sound of raindrops...silence again...morbid and cold...

The dream was like an extension of reality. I kept thinking about it, what would I do if she really came back. Would I be able to tell her that I didnt want her back in my life...that I was happy...I was really happy and I would be happier if she left me alone...would the words come out. I dont know really, there are moments when I feel strong and I feel...after what she did...why should I even contemplate taking her back into my life. Above everything...this entire dilemma was rather stupid. Why would she come back?...she didnt need to...she had already made her decision...however hasty it may have been...but I am sure she thought about it thoroughly and then took her decision. Ofcourse..how silly of me...she would have made the right decision...I mean her entire life, her future depended upon it. All my mind was doing, was manipulating my thoughts...those dreams had a perfectly scientific explanation...like why there is night and day...why the planets move around the earth...why the apple falls to the ground...or why we grow old..they all have reasons...right...its just a dream...just a dream...or is it??

Sometimes dreams can be a figment of one's reality and the two...dreams and reality...may blend so well that you wont be able to tell one from the other. The dream brings up one big question..."Do I want her to come back into my life?"a perplexing question...I dont think I have one answer for it. The more I feel I am better off without her...the more I long to be with her...its crazy...I dont really understand..maybe it's just a hangover...I keep wishing that I will get up one morning and I wont remember her...she will be wiped off my memory...my life will move forward...no longer in the shadows of my past...but how dreadful...if I forget everything about her...my inspiration of life...the fire in my stomach will die away...and I will become just like the rest of the flock...another face in the crowd...lost in the nitty gritties of social existence...I am content as I am...atleast I have something to hold on to...even if they are just memories...some people dont even have that!!

Lets me put an end to this debate...I think that after all this brooding...I have come to just one conclusion...I dont know what the dream means...I dont really care...the truth is...I dont want her to come back...there I have said it...not because I dont love her but because if she ever returns, I would never be able to turn her away. I dread the frailness of my will and determination...I fear the ease with which she can come back into my arms...frustrated that my arms are always open...afraid that I will never really be able to let her go...ever...I wish I could turn back the fingers of the clock...but i guess somethings are better off, if left alone...Time Brings Everything to Light...

I leave you with a few lines from one of my favourite songs...The Scientist...food for thought..

...Come up to meet ya, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need ya
And tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets, and nurse me your questions
Oh lets go back to the start
Running in circles, coming in tails
Heads on a science apart
Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh take me back to the start...

Hope Hopen..

I looked at her letter one final time...touched the words she had penned down...wanting to envelope myself in her words...for they were all i had left of her. I meticulously folded the letter and placed it in its resting place. I didnt want to see them again..I wanted to destroy them..I wanted to burn them...I wanted to snatch their grandness away from them...take away their soul so that they remained just papers...papers...trivial and insignificant. I took the letter out again in a bid to tear it to pieces..but something stopped me..i could not muster the courage because somewhere in some deep dark corner of my heart they meant something...they were if nothing else..memories..painful..ironically they still brought a smile to my face and made me feel like I was in love again...even if it was for a few moments..quite gartifying!!

Words have a way of growing on you...especially when they are attached to some emotion or cognitively associated with a happy or sad memory. Those words in those letters were something like that..no matter how much I wanted to let go of them..some potent force kept stopping me. Was it some kind of hope..hope that she may return..hope that she may still love me...hope that inspite of everything that had happened there was so much left to happen..I dont know...when i think of it rationally, it just seems like wishful thinking. More than hope maybe its just this indelible imprint of herself that she has conferred on my psyche. I have to rid myself of it. I tell this to myself everyday...every hour..every second that I think about her. But the truth is that my heart is just not ready to let go so easily someone who it has held dear for so long. The memories...in any form...letters...gifts...intimate encounters...they all hurt...but its bitter sweet. I cant cry anymore...the tears just dont come out...for once i feel i cant loose her more than I already have. The pain cant be worse..I am already dealing with it, it wont kill me...it cant kill me. So i just smile...its a feeling of dismal contentedness...and then i wrap all these mental images into a bundle and hide them somewhere in the labyrinths of my subconscious existence hoping that i will forget where I left them and they will never bother me again.

Do i sound like a hopeless romantic or a hopeless lover, maybe I am both, but that is how I am, i am overly optimistic. That is how I get through each day, peeling off my inhibitions...searching ..and then surrendering to the inevitable...after every night comes light and day...the night has passed...look the sun has risen in the eastern sky...its genial sunshine...melting my prohibitions...giving me hope...it's my prerogative...the sun feels like her...I am warm again...maybe she may never return and my wishful thoughts might just remain hope hopen...but atleast they keep me alive...appreciative of life and all it has yet to offer...

Solitude!!

Sitting by my window, i look outside...see the wind blowing the autumn leaves...the leaves dancing as if they have just been released...like they are going somewhere more beautiful...a higher place...where there is spring throughout the year...where they will be green forever. So lucky they are...they have the liberty to break free and just be...complete in their own way! As the leaves disappear with the whistling of the wind...I look for something, my eyes are searching for something, someone...maybe hope...i am not too sure. But I can just sit by that window and keep looking aimlessly outside, sometimes thinking of where I have been and where I am going?? Am I too worried...some of my friends say I think too much...well what can I say...some people get stressed out...loose their temper...scream and shout...I on the other hand...well I think!...its my way of unwinding. But maybe I should think less coz your memory can be your biggest enemy sometimes. Hmm...need to think about that...

Still sitting by this window on this cold winter morning and seeing my breath spread across the glass pane like a coat of frost...and i write my name in it...maybe to give myself an identity...maybe to just see myself and recognise who I am...so what if its just a name.

I cant think of what to do...there is so much that i want to take out...i wanna cry...i wanna hold someone tight and vent my fears and pain. Sometimes I feel someone there...or maybe its just a feeling, a figment of my imagination or something else...but i can hold on to it...hold it tight against my breast and then for that one moment...everything seems to fade out...I can feel again...breathe again...love again. Its like a spirit...a guardian angel and it keeps me safe. I am alone...alone in this world...alone in this city...alone in my womb...alone in this consciousness that we call life. Not alone just because I want to be...but because thats how my life has been painted...am I too self indulgent...maybe...it feels good...i feel important...someday I will abolish these superficial chains and break free. I wont be less lonely but I will be more content and a lot happier...happiness...seems like such an unachievable situation...unattainable...why..??? I dont know that answer...maybe i will know in time...till then I am at ease in my solitude..