A Turtle Dove

I think I am a turtle dove,
I've heard it never forgets its love,
I know my wish may never come true
but I am wishing you're one too!

Had I known this journey with you would be cut short I would not have packed along so many dreams, so much love and hope. But then I guess how would I call that true love. Its sad to admit that you will no longer be mine and I can never call you mine. I know that you will be happy wherever you go, I only wish that happiness could have been with me. I don't have to tell you how much I love you and how much I will miss you. I will try and move on and I will try to be happy. I was looking at a picture of you recently and it seemed like you were looking at me once again. For a moment I lost track of time and place, it took me sometime to come back to reality. I touched your eyes and held the picture to my chest, it seemed like forever had passed since I had held you last. Your smile I will miss the most, the way it lit up my day and my life. Every time I saw you smiling, I thanked God with all my heart for blessing me with you. Alas, the lord had bigger plans and neither you nor I can make sense of them. I will not ask you why you are leaving, I am just hoping it was important enough for you to let go of me. I am also hoping I was as important for you as you are for me. I wish you luck and I wish you joy. I know no one can love you like I can because no one sees what I see in you. But I wish that when someone does loves you, they realize what they have gained and what you are truly worth. I know because I have lost you. But I will not upset myself and I will not cry. I have the strength and courage to face life without you. I am content just with the thought that somewhere under this vast expanse of blue, you are alive, smiling, happy and beautiful. Ironically I am also an eternal romantic and I believe my love will not wither with time, it will return some day, maybe in some new form, a new name or a renewed promise. So fly away my love, let not a single chain of condition bind you to me, someday maybe you miss the warmth of my heart and the perfume of my love guides you back.

Come here my love, lie down beside me
let me look at you one final time,
let me sing you one final rhyme,
these moments might be your final with me,
so breathe into my lungs and fill yourself in me,
let me love you and let you love me,
then I can let you go and you can let me be...

Justice Denied...

I don't understand...Where's the justice in it all...
What's the point of childhood...when you cant be a child...
The road is long and the seat is agonizing...but they'll still tell you to enjoy the ride...
What's the point of wishing on a star...when your wish will never come true...
What's the point of this rainbow...when all you see is blue...
What's the point of cheering for the underdog...when you are told Life is never fair...
What's the point of a God...when your faith is naked and bare...
Whats the point of religion...when you don't believe the holy sermons you say...
What's the point of planning for the future...when you don't know if you will survive the day...
What's the point of missing...when you know they are not missing you...
What's the point of forgiving...when they will inevitably be unfaithful to you...
What's the point of standing here and waiting...when you know she is never going to come...
What's the point of writing these letters...when your words will one day go numb...
What's the point of breaking someone's heart...when you know yours is just as easy to break...
What's the point of judging someone...when you know you are just as fake...
Why do you compel yourself to remember...when it will hurt even more to forget...
Why do you have to let go...what you struggled so hard to get...
What's the point of loving her...when you don't even know her name...
What's the point of hoping...life will move on and everything will be the same...
What's the point of expressing your love...when you don't have the courage to live it...
What's the point of these words in blood...when you don't have the heart to say it...
What's the point of meeting me...each time you wear a new disguise...
What's the point of singing this song...when you will never hear my heart's lonely reprise...

A Memorable Vacation

Growing up, the word vacation meant coming back to India during the summers. Sadly, I can’t recall anything memorable about any of my vacations. Most of the summer would be spent in my ancestral home “Amroha” socializing with my relatives and family friends. I found this exercise rather futile because I forgot each one of them as soon as we left.

But now that I think of it, there was one such vacation where I did something that I still remember. I was 10 years old, I think, and we had rented out one of the floors in our “haveli” to a family of seven. Over the summer, I grew fond of them, especially their youngest daughter who they all called “Munni.” I never realized how quickly time passed that summer. When it was finally time to leave, I felt a deep sense of grief. My final conversation with Munni revolved around the time we spent together and if the family would still be there when we returned next time. Before leaving she mentioned how she and her sister would not be able to go to school, as they didn’t have money to buy books and pay the fees. To this day I still feel guilty for what I did that day, I somehow managed to steal 500 rupees from my mother’s vanity case and gave it to Munni. I really don’t know how much that money helped them, but I felt a bad deed if done for a good cause, was not so bad!

Standing on the Edge..

Standing here on this cliff, away from life's nuances and ambiguity, I feel free. Like a bird thats been trapped in a cage suddenly finds an opportunity to escape, and grabs it with both hands. There is no other place that makes me feel so powerful and so fragile, both at the same time. The feeling is so unexplored, like a child examining a broken piece of glass, it feels the joy and power of finding something fascinating and when it cuts itself, realizes the glass is more fatal and powerful than it perceived. But its good because there is something different about today.

The cool breeze is blowing into me, caressing my body, playing with my hair and filling my lungs with life and vitality. As I look down I can see the waves lashing at the rocky shore below. Today the ocean seems to be subtler in its reprimand of the shore. I remember coming here a long night ago, the dizziness of my experience still fresh on my mind. I was a different person then, weaker, afraid and vulnerable. The ocean was more violent then or maybe my perception was clouded by my psychological state of mind. I had climbed up because I had this sudden urge to jump down. Maybe I wanted to feel alive and free because I clearly remember that at the time, I felt as alive as a zombie. I had been alone and my heart had been broken. I missed her and I wanted her to come back. I cried till I could not cry anymore.I could taste the salty residue of my tears and feel my saturated skin stretching under the saltiness. I was afraid of the coming day, the morning sun and the sounds of birds chirping away to welcome it. I wanted the night to last longer, maybe never to end. I wanted the pain to consume me so that I could tell myself that I had not been a coward and that I hadn't given up. I wanted life to give up on me. I walked to the edge and stood there thinking to myself, what I had done wrong or what I had done to deserve this apathy. There were very few chances that I would survive the fall, if the rocks wouldn't get me, the waves definitely would. I rejected the idea, the thought of living seemed a little more cozier than before. I realized that if I got through this night, a new day would come eventually. It maybe not be perfect, but then nothing in life really was.

The night sky seemed darker than ever and I knew it was too dark to climb back down. I had to get through the night, I told myself to just hold on. The morning that I had been despising would become the seed of my new beginning. But I needed to get through this night, somehow, anyhow I needed to survive. I was alone, it was cold and I had nothing to hold on to, nothing to comfort me and nothing to keep me warm. I began to crouch myself together, holding tighter as the dormant minutes passed by. I ended up lying there like a baby thrown out of its womb, how I longed for the warmth of a mother's belly. The wind was mercilessly cold and it would only get colder as the night went on. I needed something to keep me warm and it had to come from within me. I could only think of two things that could get me through this night, god's mercy and the warmth of her love.

Apart from a lot of things, the night made me realize the true meaning and strength of love. It didn't matter if she loved me or wanted me, I loved her and I wanted her. The thought itself made me feel a bit warmer. If I loved her only because she loved me, that would mean my love had been selfish and shallow. It didn't feel that way, inside me, my heart still burned for her like the first day I had fallen in love with her. Somehow I knew thats how it would remain, I just knew it. No matter where I was and who I was with, my love for her would stand the test of time. I had always loved her but at this moment I didn't need for her to love me back. My love had actually become selfless, maybe I too had become selfless. At that moment of self realization, I stopped shivering, the warmth inside me flowed out and filled the world around me. God's mercy had been the rope I needed to hold on to and her love had given me the will to climb back up.

The minutes didn't seem that long anymore, time was at my mercy now. I was not waiting for the day to be born, the day was waiting for me with open arms. Finally when it showered down in all its crimson brilliance, I knew I had the strength to fight away a million such nights, never again would I give in and give up. A smile crept to my face and I was happy at what I had achieved, how ever little and insignificant it may have been.

I walked to the edge of the cliff again. I looked down and I was not afraid. The fear that had gripped me the night before had evaporated with the coming of the new sun. I didn't take the leap of the cliff, but the morning breeze carried my spirit with it and I was not afraid of the uncertainty, of pain, of fear itself. My lord was inside me and I had just learned how to love. Enough milestones for a day. As for life, it would take care of itself...

the lonely wanderer...

A lonely road and a lonely stroll,
a lonely thought of a lonely soul,
up a lonely hill and down a lonely slope,
over the lonely desert and around the lonely grove,
a lonely river and a lonely boat,
a lonely suitor and his lonely hope,
a lonely sunrise and a lonely moon,
a lonely lamp in a lonely room,
on a lonely paper some lonely words,
some lonely memories some lonely woes,
a lonely tear and a lonely smile,
this lonely road and so many lonely miles...

I Wonder...

I heard a saying when I was growing up that the people who seem to be the happiest or who provoke smirks and laughter from the people around them are sometimes the ones who go through the most turbulent relationship with pain imaginable.

Their pain is something they live with , forget and remember again like a re-occurring dream, pain may seem similar to this for all of us, but for them its more profound. Their pain is imprisoned in the crimson walls of their heart, silent to the world and even themselves on most occasions. There is so much more to them than meets the eye. In the deep trenches of their heart they hide this pain, it might be something or someone or just some distant memory preserved in its near virgin state. It has left an indelible scar on their lives and even "Time" has decided to turn a blind eye and leave that memory undisturbed.

I wonder if she is that kind of person. Is that what's hidden behind that brimming smile? I wonder how much of her is actually evident to the world around her and how much of herself she chooses not to advertise? I wonder who she is when she sheds her image, peals of her fabricated self and wears her uninhibited skin? I wonder what thoughts run through her mind when she wonders how long she can keep this act up? I wonder how she feels when she stands in front of the mirror and looks into her own eyes? I wonder if she sees an irony or herself? I wonder how she feels when she realizes that people love her so much for what they think she is that maybe, no one might take the trouble to know the person behind the name? I wonder if she feels lonely sometimes or wishes there was someone or something that could fill the void? I wonder if she curls up and hugs her pillow when she sleeps, in an effort to calm her throbbing heart? I wonder if her audacious ego allows her to ever confess that she needs anyone at all?

Sometimes the laughter seems too good to be true, she hides herself so well in her boisterous, brassy personality. I wonder what is it that she hides? I wonder why she has decided to be the way she is? I wonder if she ever cries or allows herself to cry at all? I wonder what she fears more, the world around her or herself? I wonder if she craves attention more or love? I wonder if she would trust anyone enough, to ever show them her true naked self? I wonder if she has forgotten how she used to be and what it was like when life was more simpler and innocent?

Maybe my thoughts, perceptions and presumptions may all be wrong and fictitious. Maybe this damn mind of mine can't decide if it likes her more for the illusion she is or dislikes her for her pretentiousness. Could it be that all that she does and all that she enacts, is true. There must be a flaw, there must be a story...I wonder what that story is or if there even is one?

A very famous funny man by the name of Charlie Chaplin once said, "I cry in the rain, so that no one will see my tears." I wonder if I will find her someday surrendering to the raindrops...

...find me again...

I know no words will bring you back,
but I still hope you find me again,
I know I cant turn back the clock,
I hope your memories help you find me again,
I know that I will miss you each day that I breathe,
I hope you will miss me enough to find me again,
I know our gods have different names,
I hope their doctrine helps you find me again,
I know the distance between us may only grow greater,
I hope the loneliness will help you find me again,
I know you may not love me like before,
I hope my love helps you find me again,
I know I hope against hope,
I hope this resilience helps you find me again,

And if we are never meant to be is destiny's song ,
Search your heart and prove destiny wrong,
All the loneliness and doubts will wither,
the distance wont seem that long,
and you'll find all this time, I had been there all along...